Giles Coren Has No Idea

Esther is front page news after writing about a drug which helps with alcoholism…unusually she hasn’t just written about naltrexone, she’s tried it. It leads to a discussion about the results of alcohol abuse within different economic groups. As ever the Germans are ahead of the game, they’ve decided to only sell England football fans low alcohol beer.Rishi Sunak has once again shown his gift for the uncommon touch; Giles thinks he shouldn’t be let lose without a minder. What is the point of going to university? Giles and Esther disagree, but both can see the endless benefits of going to boarding school.Bring back kids TV, so says Russel T Davis. Esther likes the idea but what would one bring back, TISWAS, Swap Shop or Going Live? Finally, as protests sweep the nation Giles has a cunning idea, a protest against his own podcast…

Stephen Fry has upset the ruddy faced members of the MCC; it has left Giles awkwardly fiddling with his box as he balances his desire to join the MCC with his admiration for Mr Fry.No such trouble with Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak who come in for equal disdain. Was it a debate or a barrister and a banker meeting at the school gates? Or a special episode of Numberwang…?The debate slid to one side Esther and Giles consider a throbbing question; What are the most annoying ‘corporate speak’ phrases? Low hanging fruit, blue sky thinking…? Whichever it is, Giles and Esther are about to smut them up for you.Esther thinks Giles has a big one, Giles thinks it is actually quite small, certainly not as big as Fergie’s. Thank goodness the late Queen Elizabeth insisted Fergie parade hers in public…After all the saucy talk Esther needs a stiff drink…but not on a plane.Finally, its back to the election as Rishi Sunak enlists Tom Cruise into his campaign team… 

Giles and Esther are away this week. In their absence here is a short collection of recent highlights.Giles faces a late fitness test. Esther takes the AA road quiz. And why won't flying taxis go south of the river...?Hope you enjoy them. Please do like and share and we’ll see you next week.

** This episode was recorded just before Prime Minister Rishi Sunak called the election; please sit back and bask in an election free zone.Has Kevin Costner got better with age? Esther thinks so. She also ranks his film ‘Robin Hood Prince of Thieves’ as the best of all time, unlike his current project – Horizon: chapter one. In a spooky premonition Giles stars in his own vanity project; a gripping drama about a snap election, an assassination and an ageing dad being called up to save the ashes. A new sex themed Italian restaurant has opened in Milan, Giles does not want to know what the specials are! Despite the recent tragic events statistically air travel is still very safe…just don’t board a plane built by the NHS and run by the Post Office. Whatever the plane, the 'Campden People’s Theatre' will be flying first class, but they’d love to mix with those in the cheap seats…Finally, it’s time to prepare! Never mind the election we’re talking pandemics, learn from lock down - more pasta and hummus, less toilet roll.If you’re wondering what the pitter patter in the background is, that’ll be the rain.

Artist Jonathan Yeo has painted luminaries such as Tony Blair, David Cameron and most recently the King. He has also painted Giles (twice) and Esther’s sister. As old friends of Jonathan, Giles and Esther are well placed to guide the philistines of Instagram through his artistic talents.Chancellor Jeremy Hunt is seeking to reassure the nation that all is well in the UK. Unfortunately, his lacklustre writing style is the least of his problems; he has an 800 year old tax rebate and a batty flautist to sort out first.  A new carrot and carrot approach to the obesity crisis is showing positive results. Are incentives the way forward to change behaviours…? How much to make people pronounce semaglutide correctly…?Finally, Giles gets in touch with his feminine side in the swimming pool, once he has buried his acorns…

The pressing question this week is: If a T-Rex played Taylor Swift at chess who would win? An octopus has offered to referee, but only if it is paid in food stamps. ‘An expert’ has suggested that the T’Rex may have been a little dim…so Giles wonders what or who constitutes dim in the 21st century...?Could the demise of Humza Yousaf be down to the Scottish Nationalists losing the culture wars…when asked for their opinion the great Scottish public replied “Get te f**k!” It turns out that it is not only opinionated columnists who need the culture wars, the Tory party do too, and possibly the Daily Mail. Bland, over processed and will do you no good – Taylor Swift or supermarket bread? The bread of course, but some, may have reached Taylor Swift saturation point. 

Could the culture wars finally be drawing to a close? If they are what will Giles talk about in future; certainly not ancient antiquities, his knowledge is lacking in that sphere. How to spice up one’s autobiography, some celeb gossip here, a royal orgy there…let’s ask Rebel Wilson she is bound to have a few more ideas.Age is but a number, which may just be seventeen thousand. That’s what John Cleese is paying for stem cell therapy. But why worry, what of the crows of the air, they do not sow or reap…perhaps because they are to preoccupied with the ‘Tokyo crow controller’…Lastly, what makes a good friendship…Giles doesn’t care he’s too busy picking up crisp packets. 

Warning flag: this episode contains sensitive content.Fresh from the Easter recess Giles and Esther have a cunning plan to lure in new listeners, they’re flying the flag for air fryers. Keen to be welcoming of all cooking methods they undertake some thorough research which includes never using, trying or knowing anything about air fryers, before coming to a categoric conclusion on the latest kitchen gadget… They take a look at the most expensive streets to live in the UK - none of which have flags in the  front garden - and compare them to their own ends.Saving the best till last Giles and Esther try to identify the twenty-one sexuality and gender flags on display at a hospital reception in the midlands. Giles can’t find his flag, and he is worried about members of the Royal Navy. Finally, he stumbles upon an idea which he sends up his flagpole to see if it gets a salute…