Giles Coren Has No Idea

Three questions:1)     What constitutes modern art? A sieve without a handle, a misshapen squash? Esthers patience with the Turner Prize has reached its limit.2)     What’s the difference between a banana and a phone? ...what's a banana?3)     What’s the first rule of customer relations? The customer is always a tw@t.Plus, the positives of Oxbridge sliding down the university league tables.And saving the best till last, look out for Giles and Esther’s absolutely fabulous Jane Horrocks impressions.** Contains strong language from the start

What is a freebie, how do you get them and do you have to pay tax?A tale of two particular freebies this week, interspersed with a collection of Giles and Esthers own freebies from the past.While Lady Starmer has fallen foul of some members of the press for her new dresses, Eamonn Holmes has been scoffed at for taking his lady friend on a cruise. Esther and Giles have sympathy, freebies aren’t all they’re cracked up to be and anyway they’re part of the business, aren’t they… 

Giles and Esther are thrilled to be back from their long summer break, well Esther is.And there is so much to talk about; Keir Starmer has taken a truth serum, but is that what people want? Donald Trump went face to face with Kamala Harris in an animalistic US presidential debate. The weight loss drug Ozempic is now being offered to children and Greggs have launched a range of footwear. The world is still mad. But fear not, take joy in the simple things, just like Giles and Kitty on the way to school… 

Giles and Esther send a quick note from their holidays. They'll be back and raring to go next week.

A new dawn has broken, has it not… well something like that. Giles and Esther channel their inner Nostradamus to predict last night’s results. If, as assumed Sir Keir becomes PM, what does it mean for his family? Giles considers penning an ode to Kentish Town and all that the Starmers will leave behind.As Sir Keir awaits his big result, Giles is waiting for his own important phone call, but its from the NHS so who knows when it will come, today, tomorrow…never.  Rumours abound of very underhand tactics being planned within the parental whats app groups of certain private schools. Will it be enough to change Labour policy? Amidst the big news a smaller but perhaps more meaningful event, the closing of a chapter in the Coren household. When dealing with the emotional toll of children growing up, who better to turn to than A. A. Milne or F. Scott Fitzgerald?  Finally, women are better at espionage than men…how else did Dame Judi make it to be head of MI6..?

Giles is feeling bright and breezy, and it’s all thanks to Ether. For once he took her advice and tried the latest ‘wonder drug’ Naltrexone. What would have otherwise been a night of drunken excess instead turned into a night of charitable excess. He is a convert. Sadly, neither he nor Esther have made any money out of their pharmaceutical evangelism. Keir Starmer has exposed the latest ‘get out of jail free card’ for those in public life: ”I’m changing it from the inside.” Seeing it for the cop out that it is they wonder what else could be changed from the inside...?If one wished to be pale, male and stale, how would one go about it? Giles has all the tips you’ll need. Esther indulges her love of low-level pettiness and offers it to the listeners for those who share her joy of pointless tiny battles. Finally, a look at the spat between David Tennant and Kemi Badenoch and the effects of success guilt. ** The ambient sounds were out in force this week, with the doors open on a very hot day we had the sound of local children, a workman using an angle grinder and as always, the birds.  

In response to a survey suggesting people are turning away from the news Giles and Esther pander to the masses and happily look past the obvious headlines. Who or what constitutes a working man? As the blue and red parties scabble to attract anyone who earns a living Giles is temporarily bewitched by the endless tax breaks on offer from the Reform party. His conscience kicks in but with his new found knowledge of the candidates he does a ‘who said what’ quiz for Esther. Little House on the Prairie - an idyllic serene country existence…? Not so fast! If you survive the warring factions on the plain and the syphilis you’ve still got to fight off the cowboys. Perhaps not the best example of the past to offer to children. Giles and Esther consider some better examples, and more pertinent advice for the young people of today. Lastly, could it really be true that privately educated children are thinner in middle age than their state educated counter parts? Of course not, Esther is suitably exasperated.

Esther is front page news after writing about a drug which helps with alcoholism…unusually she hasn’t just written about naltrexone, she’s tried it. It leads to a discussion about the results of alcohol abuse within different economic groups. As ever the Germans are ahead of the game, they’ve decided to only sell England football fans low alcohol beer.Rishi Sunak has once again shown his gift for the uncommon touch; Giles thinks he shouldn’t be let lose without a minder. What is the point of going to university? Giles and Esther disagree, but both can see the endless benefits of going to boarding school.Bring back kids TV, so says Russel T Davis. Esther likes the idea but what would one bring back, TISWAS, Swap Shop or Going Live? Finally, as protests sweep the nation Giles has a cunning idea, a protest against his own podcast…

Stephen Fry has upset the ruddy faced members of the MCC; it has left Giles awkwardly fiddling with his box as he balances his desire to join the MCC with his admiration for Mr Fry.No such trouble with Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak who come in for equal disdain. Was it a debate or a barrister and a banker meeting at the school gates? Or a special episode of Numberwang…?The debate slid to one side Esther and Giles consider a throbbing question; What are the most annoying ‘corporate speak’ phrases? Low hanging fruit, blue sky thinking…? Whichever it is, Giles and Esther are about to smut them up for you.Esther thinks Giles has a big one, Giles thinks it is actually quite small, certainly not as big as Fergie’s. Thank goodness the late Queen Elizabeth insisted Fergie parade hers in public…After all the saucy talk Esther needs a stiff drink…but not on a plane.Finally, its back to the election as Rishi Sunak enlists Tom Cruise into his campaign team…