Giles Coren Has No Idea

Its Christmas and it’s all hands to the ideas pump. Giles has columns to write, lots of them, and he’d like them done before Christmas eve. Cue a list of perennial Christmas crackers; cost of Christmas, Whamageddon!, other things to avoid before Christmas, who likes Christmas pudding and dead or alive at Christmas…A quick look at robot reverends and Esther’s tips on prepping for the end of the world, and we’re half an hour closer to Christmas.PS Benny Hill didn’t die on Christmas day. 

Giles and Esther are feeling a little uneasy about discussing the news. Well, one story in particular, the Israel Gaza conflict. Can anything be said, is anyone the right person to say it? In cheerier news, winter is here, hurrah! Light the fire, hunker down and see no one. Whilst huddled under a blanket Esther has an idea, possibly one ‘borrowed’ from an Adam Sandler film; Esther wants to enact VAR in everyday life…did you really put the toilet seat down? Finally, the merits of single sex or mixed schools - Giles and Esther make their pitch for; “The rest is education.” 

Alternative titles this week could have been ‘Massive Nuts’ or ‘Now imagine you’re on twitter, 16 and a bit thick.’ Anyway, how are you? Yes, you? All set for Christmas? I don’t know where the time goes, only seems two minutes since it was January. Care for a biscuit...? Giles and Esther are discussing small talk. It seems that some Gen Z's might need a helping hand with face-to-face communication. Sad face emoji.  They cover big talk as well with the autumn statement, eating disorders and anti-Semitic octopuses. Finally, they perform a graceful pirouette to discuss a trip to the ballet. 

An eclectic mix of men’s health, politics, literary theory, and superheroes this week.There is an unfortunate faecal air but fear not it is all in aid of cancer awareness, cinematic description or simply doing the Times’ dirty work. Giles ponders what kind of resignation letter he’d write, and Esther writes an ode to David Cameron.  Finally, the superhero is dead, long live the superhero…say hello to ‘The columnist!’

Giles is feeling cut adrift, in the camp but not part of it, fearing the plight of a secular Jew is a rip off. With that conundrum left unanswered they try to help Barbra Streisand find some fun in her life.  Both agree it is more likely a good book by the fire then a private jet to see Katie Perry. Finally, a big shout out to our listeners in New Zealand – Kia Ora! 

After a difficult few weeks Giles and Esther are back. Understandably the conversation begins with the ongoing conflict in the middle east, and its jarring contrast with the rest of life.Matters develop as the idea of emigrating emerges…well running away would be more accurate. But where to, that is the question; Cuba, New Zealand, Mumbai…?Finally, the ‘fruity’ language of Dominic Cummings…or is it Cummins? Is his lineage that of Campbell, Iannucci and Tucker? Or is he simply the result of unbearable frustration at pompous blobs…?

As you might expect, this week is a difficult episode. Giles tries to make sense of events and his fluctuating reaction to them. There isn’t much room for levity but Snoop dog releasing a new wine and Esther's fear of bedbugs do there best to offer some light to a very dark week.

Giles and Esther take a pragmatic look at the Tory party conference and wonder what the pay off might be to go with many of the policy announcements. Neither are happy at the idea of doing maths until they’re eighteen, after all many of Giles’ friends from set four did very well without it, thank you very much. Exeter university are running a masters course on magic, you can imagine the reaction. The art of the citizen’s arrest…Giles has tried on more than one occasion and failed, and that was when he was young and fit, before he hit the male menopause. Maybe he’d batter take some time off work to recuperate.

Flying cars, white wine on tap and ash trays by the bath. What possible wonders could the future hold? Whatever they are Giles hopes to live to see them but is pretty sure even with flying cars their will still be gridlock in the skies. Boris and Carrie’s former nannie has hit the papers, demonstrating one of Esthers mottos, always pay the staff. And a man walks into a bar and the barman says: ”Are you sure you should be here?”