Giles Coren Has No Idea

Giles is feeling bright and breezy, and it’s all thanks to Ether. For once he took her advice and tried the latest ‘wonder drug’ Naltrexone. What would have otherwise been a night of drunken excess instead turned into a night of charitable excess. He is a convert. Sadly, neither he nor Esther have made any money out of their pharmaceutical evangelism. Keir Starmer has exposed the latest ‘get out of jail free card’ for those in public life: ”I’m changing it from the inside.” Seeing it for the cop out that it is they wonder what else could be changed from the inside...?If one wished to be pale, male and stale, how would one go about it? Giles has all the tips you’ll need. Esther indulges her love of low-level pettiness and offers it to the listeners for those who share her joy of pointless tiny battles. Finally, a look at the spat between David Tennant and Kemi Badenoch and the effects of success guilt. ** The ambient sounds were out in force this week, with the doors open on a very hot day we had the sound of local children, a workman using an angle grinder and as always, the birds.  

Esther is front page news after writing about a drug which helps with alcoholism…unusually she hasn’t just written about naltrexone, she’s tried it. It leads to a discussion about the results of alcohol abuse within different economic groups. As ever the Germans are ahead of the game, they’ve decided to only sell England football fans low alcohol beer.Rishi Sunak has once again shown his gift for the uncommon touch; Giles thinks he shouldn’t be let lose without a minder. What is the point of going to university? Giles and Esther disagree, but both can see the endless benefits of going to boarding school.Bring back kids TV, so says Russel T Davis. Esther likes the idea but what would one bring back, TISWAS, Swap Shop or Going Live? Finally, as protests sweep the nation Giles has a cunning idea, a protest against his own podcast…

Stephen Fry has upset the ruddy faced members of the MCC; it has left Giles awkwardly fiddling with his box as he balances his desire to join the MCC with his admiration for Mr Fry.No such trouble with Keir Starmer and Rishi Sunak who come in for equal disdain. Was it a debate or a barrister and a banker meeting at the school gates? Or a special episode of Numberwang…?The debate slid to one side Esther and Giles consider a throbbing question; What are the most annoying ‘corporate speak’ phrases? Low hanging fruit, blue sky thinking…? Whichever it is, Giles and Esther are about to smut them up for you.Esther thinks Giles has a big one, Giles thinks it is actually quite small, certainly not as big as Fergie’s. Thank goodness the late Queen Elizabeth insisted Fergie parade hers in public…After all the saucy talk Esther needs a stiff drink…but not on a plane.Finally, its back to the election as Rishi Sunak enlists Tom Cruise into his campaign team… 

Giles and Esther are away this week. In their absence here is a short collection of recent highlights.Giles faces a late fitness test. Esther takes the AA road quiz. And why won't flying taxis go south of the river...?Hope you enjoy them. Please do like and share and we’ll see you next week.

** This episode was recorded just before Prime Minister Rishi Sunak called the election; please sit back and bask in an election free zone.Has Kevin Costner got better with age? Esther thinks so. She also ranks his film ‘Robin Hood Prince of Thieves’ as the best of all time, unlike his current project – Horizon: chapter one. In a spooky premonition Giles stars in his own vanity project; a gripping drama about a snap election, an assassination and an ageing dad being called up to save the ashes. A new sex themed Italian restaurant has opened in Milan, Giles does not want to know what the specials are! Despite the recent tragic events statistically air travel is still very safe…just don’t board a plane built by the NHS and run by the Post Office. Whatever the plane, the 'Campden People’s Theatre' will be flying first class, but they’d love to mix with those in the cheap seats…Finally, it’s time to prepare! Never mind the election we’re talking pandemics, learn from lock down - more pasta and hummus, less toilet roll.If you’re wondering what the pitter patter in the background is, that’ll be the rain.

Artist Jonathan Yeo has painted luminaries such as Tony Blair, David Cameron and most recently the King. He has also painted Giles (twice) and Esther’s sister. As old friends of Jonathan, Giles and Esther are well placed to guide the philistines of Instagram through his artistic talents.Chancellor Jeremy Hunt is seeking to reassure the nation that all is well in the UK. Unfortunately, his lacklustre writing style is the least of his problems; he has an 800 year old tax rebate and a batty flautist to sort out first.  A new carrot and carrot approach to the obesity crisis is showing positive results. Are incentives the way forward to change behaviours…? How much to make people pronounce semaglutide correctly…?Finally, Giles gets in touch with his feminine side in the swimming pool, once he has buried his acorns…

The Garrick Club is finally opening its doors to women, well some women. Whilst not a member, as a regular frequenter of the Garrick Giles lets daylight in upon magic and reveals the earth-shattering secrets of the gentleman’s club. Esther wonders why on earth anyone would bother. A grassroots Muslim campaign group emboldens Giles and Esther to offer their own list of demands to potential PM Keir Starmer. Brexit makes an unwelcome return as the fall guy for a bad opening night. Esther has sympathy but Giles smells a Gallic rat.Finally, Esther stumbles upon the unforeseen consequences of automatic only driving tests…doom in a post-apocalyptic world. But does it make her sad...?

The pressing question this week is: If a T-Rex played Taylor Swift at chess who would win? An octopus has offered to referee, but only if it is paid in food stamps. ‘An expert’ has suggested that the T’Rex may have been a little dim…so Giles wonders what or who constitutes dim in the 21st century...?Could the demise of Humza Yousaf be down to the Scottish Nationalists losing the culture wars…when asked for their opinion the great Scottish public replied “Get te f**k!” It turns out that it is not only opinionated columnists who need the culture wars, the Tory party do too, and possibly the Daily Mail. Bland, over processed and will do you no good – Taylor Swift or supermarket bread? The bread of course, but some, may have reached Taylor Swift saturation point.