Giles Coren Has No Idea

As the Archbishop of Canterbury resigns Giles asks the key question - does anyone care? Following Donald Trump’s election victory there is a rumour doing the rounds that some rich celebrities plan to leave the US for Britain. Do we want them, does anywhere want them? Might they be in for a surprise with the reality of modern London not quite matching the dream…How does one deal with a moth infestation? Top tip: cedar wood, moth balls or sue the house seller for 30million pounds!Finally, what do you get if you cross a Slovenian girl done good, chat GPT and a White House? A FLOTUS memoir – simples! 

What do Kamala Harris and QPR have in common? Giles and Esther react to the breaking news that Donald Trump is back as the American President. They ponder the reasons and how to break the news to a despondent teenager. Any mood can be lifted by a good cheese trolly, some people can even build a career off the back of a cheese trolly. Can being married also keep one chipper? Depends on who you’re married to!Finally, if you own an air fryer it might be spying on you – it’s your own fault. And what is a double dip..?

Is Kemi Badenoch rude, or just straight talking? Esther has changed her ways and now plays a very polite tactical game; Giles on the other hand takes too much pleasure in expressing his true feelings in glorious technicolour. Who cares if its rude. It’s all change at British Airways as they switch from lunch to brunch on many flights; Esther isn’t sure what all the fuss is about…How do you get a nickname and what does it say about you if you don’t have one? Pee-the-pants and Pester discuss.After the break the decline of the golden arches. As McDonalds’ sales dip Giles considers where the burger giant is going wrong.  

Tomorrow is the big day! Budget Day looms, and we're bringing you a special feature from The Times' brand new show: Feel Better About Money.In her inaugural money chat, Holly Mead is talking about budgeting and the budget. She looks at the many different aspects of money to help you make better financial decisions about pensions, mortgages, investments. With so many suggestions, rumours and supposed leaks about the upcoming budget, what should we be preparing for now and how? Find the new show here: https://shows.acast.com/times-money.Regular Giles programming to resume later in the week.

Are Sir Keir Starmer and Angela Raynor following in the footsteps of The Coren's builders – telling you how bad the previous tradesmen were?Who is in charge around here? Giles has a boomer bee in his bonnet and wonders if they’re just struggling to accept their waning influence in society. He takes to the comments to do battle; but he certainly doesn’t call them c…. !Ozempic may be a miracle drug for those overweight, but it is a killer for restaurants. Fear not Esther can save the day.Would you pass a ‘real world’ maths test? Would you pass a dad maths test? Time to find out… 

All change this week as The Corens are having work done – brick work not cosmetic work. As a result, they have decamped to someone else’s house…it prompts discussion about interior decor and the ‘Sandbanks House Wars’ where multi-millionaires are competing to build the grandest home.It turns out Christopher Columbus was Jewish; unfortunately, now he has been branded imperialist and racist its 500 years too late for Giles. Is there anyone else that is going to be dumped on the Jewish community?After the break, who are the nicest and nastiest celebs that Giles and Esther have ever met? Mostly uncensored.**One of Brian Clough’s autobiographies was titled ‘Cloughie: Walking on Water.’ In reference to a song the Nottingham Forest fans used to sing about him. 

There are only three weeks left to audition for the new HBO Harry Potter series, sadly for Giles his best wizarding days are behind him, but he has high hopes for his son.In fact, at fifty-five are most of his best days behind him? Who knows, he’s too old to care. But he does know what goes best with a square of dark chocolate…“There is no such thing as ‘man flu’” says Giles, but then he goes on to say lots of other things which Esther has more of a problem with.Finally, a great new dating app for the Catholic church and…something else, no its gone, I can’t remember. 

Three questions:1)     What constitutes modern art? A sieve without a handle, a misshapen squash? Esthers patience with the Turner Prize has reached its limit.2)     What’s the difference between a banana and a phone? ...what's a banana?3)     What’s the first rule of customer relations? The customer is always a tw@t.Plus, the positives of Oxbridge sliding down the university league tables.And saving the best till last, look out for Giles and Esther’s absolutely fabulous Jane Horrocks impressions.** Contains strong language from the start