Legs & Eggs

This morning Klem wrapped herself around me and said "you like me because I have big titties".Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you The Best of the rest of Klem Stump

What can we say about Heather that hasn’t been said before? We can’t. It has all been said before because Heather is the most basic of all basic bitches. Heather invented basic. You’ve heard of NormCore. Well, Heather inspired it with her infinite power of basic. Being that basic can make a girl tired. And oh boy is Heather tired. She’s exhausted with all the stupidity in the world. She’d like everyone to shut up and let her enjoy a glass of wine and a cigarette. Heather’s a mom. She’s not your mom. But you wish she was. She’s America’s Favorite Wine Mom. Who doesn’t love moms? Want more Heather? You can get more Heather by subscribing to our Substack. Heather loves substacking. Or maybe you’re a freak who wants to call her and leave her a message. You can do that too. Heather loves messages. They make her happy. You want her to be happy, right? Don’t let your favorite mom down. Give her a call. 929-263-4165Embrace your inner basic bitch and get yourself a Heather tote bag. It’s perfect for bringing home a few bottles of wine and a carton of cigarettes. Heather would appreciate very much if you would follow her on Twitter. 

Who is Fupa Jones? He’s a man with a plan. A rebel without a cause. He’s 3 children in a trench coat. Fupa Jones is all of us. He’s none of us. He’s an Actor, in a bathtub. It’s Fupa Jones’, the actor’s bathtub. The bathtub of Fupa Jones, the actor. Fupa Jones is a poet. A beautiful poet. A hopefully someday award winning poet. He’s the man who brought us the hits Spaceman Dan and Kobe Bryant is on Fire. Is he a drug addled podcaster from Brooklyn? Is he an anti government edge lord? He is all of that, and none of that, and all of that again until it doesn’t exist anymore and you are living in a fever dream of corn and chili dogs. Or maybe he’s not that at all. He’s more of a feeling, or a taste, or one of your other senses. Maybe Fupa Jones is touch? Is he touch? We know he’d love to touch Hunter Biden’s bare ass. Subscribe to our Substack to get all of Fupa Jones’ beautiful poetry. You like poetry, right? Everyone loves poems. Want Fupa to watch you urinate? Maybe do a number 2 every so often. Now you can with your very own Fupa Jones shower curtain. Don’t forget to follow Fupa on Twitter. He loves when you do that. 

All the Wolf you love to eat! This episode is like a burrito that’s choc full o’ Wolf Blitzer. You thought you knew Wolf Blitzer but you don’t know Wolf Blitzer like we know Wolf Blitzer so you ain’t got no fuckin’ idea what you’re talkin’ bout when you bring that weak-ass Wolf Blitzer shit into my Wplf Blitzer motherfuckin house motherfuckersWe got our friends The Dillon Street Boys from Swamp Talk with us this week. We got Heather educating us about her favorite Billy Joel song, River Of Dreams. And we get to hear all about her touching Mother’s Day. (Heh. Touching mothers.)We got our pal President George W. Bush reciting poetry! PLUS!! the world premiere of our new song FROGGY CHOO-CHOO! It’s about Klem and Fupa’s cat Curtis. We love Curtis so much. AND we dive back into the tub once more and go INSIDE THE ACTOR’S BATHTUB WITH THE ACTOR FUPA JONES!Jesus looks so sad. Probably cuz he’s on a cross. I wouldn’t look happy, I can tell you that much.Hey, do you like this kind of thing? Subscribe to our Substack. You get stuff like this all the time. It’s like having some friends you don’t have to clean up after or make dinner for or have an awkward conversation as you feel out if the neighbors are swingers or not and if you’re into it.And please, call our phone number in 929-263-4165 and say something to us. We love talking and hearing and listening to you, my sexy babies. It would make us so very happy. Once again that number is 929-263-4165 CALL NOW!!!

Before Bernie Kolfeld. Before Heather Facts. Before Toilet Talk with Klem Stump. Before Legs & Eggs there was a man, a woman, and a plan. It was a canal. It was a house. An Anal House.Legs & Eggs presents an episode of Anal House, Klem and Fupa’s first podcast which became the L&E you know today. These aren’t available anywhere. But we’re making this one available to you right now! So come on up to the house. Anal House.

Is Jelly Roll a Government plant? Our sources say maybe? Does Bono sculpt his chest hair? Yes, and you won’t believe what sculpting product he uses. Does Bright Eyes suck their own nipples? Reply hazy, try again.Also, Mayor Eric Adams tells you what you can you experience in New York. President Joe describes things in terms of how many 9/11s they are. And Klem gives you the hot scoop with her Toilet Talk!And that’s not all! What the fuck are Hot Cross Buns? Gaveen’s tummy! Bernie Kolfeld assuages your prostate concerns. Plus more from Fox and Julio from Conspiracy Soldiers podcast!I am the pilot, folks. And we’re all going down together. Because there’s no parachutes on this plane.Follow us on Twitter!

Yenshee Baby, baby! It’s been a while. Time to squeeze this baby out.We are so back. Backer than ever. Fox and Julio from Conspiracy Soldiers are here! Yes they are! We fucking around and finding out.Heather has baking stories. Klem eats cheese. Everyone has intimate relations with John Popper of Blues Traveler. Doctor Penis. Medicine Penis.ABC’s Head Of The Class stars Dan Schneider and Howard Hesseman.Subscribe to our Substack! We put giant teddies in those. Teddies like the lingerie, which was a thing. Look it up! (I meant to say "tiddies" but "teddies" works).Feel like buying stuff? Buy this stuff!Legs & Eggs merch! Want Heather to watch you poop? Well now she can, kinda! Get your own Heather shower curtain and those private eyes could be watching YOU!Do you enjoy singing? Maybe you like listening to terrible singing? Join Klem (and sometimes Fupa) for some karaoke in The Loading Zone.All your other problems can be solved by putting a dick in your mouth. The End.

This weeks Legs & Eggs is WKNY FM 201.2! Tune in, turn off, and have yourself a good scratch.It seems like only a few short years ago when Eric Clapton was birthed out of a series of transistor tubes and shot out on the radio waves, but that was 47 short years and one dead toddler ago. Time sure does fly when you’re eating seafood specials and having prostate cancer treatments. Why, I can remember being birthed out myself. My mother, bursting at her seams, thrusting me out into the loving arms of Dr. Phil who took one look at me and said “I didn’t know it was turtleneck season.”But times change with the weather. Turtleneck Season turns to Crew Neck Season and Backstreet’s back all right. And if those crew necks aren’t working out for you then it’s time to go to the Dick Store and buy a bunch of dicks with Spaceman Dan. (Spaceman Dan, who also assisted my mother during my birth.) It’s a bowl of Christ for breakfast and the Witnesses don’t want you to know that.Hello World. We here at Legs & Eggs know that it’s a cold, lonely existence out here as we all take that slow march towards dementia and death. But it’s gonna be okay because we are here to hold your hand through all the pain! We’ll get you feeling good-slash-better because we’re not doctors, we only play prostate cancer survivors on TV.In fact, to show you just how not alone you are, you can ask us questions anonymously on NGL! Ask us there, and we’ll answer on twitter! Our favorite responses will go on instagram. A few might even become a substack. You can’t win if you don’t play! Just follow us @legsandeggspod on Instagram and Twitter, then ask away! We’ll answer. We may not give you the answer you want, but you’ll get the answer you deserve. Because you’re special. Not like that awful Netflix show Special where the dude freaks out about poop on his dick, but also not-not like that either.You know what else we do on Twitter? Send out links to our online karaoke room. That’s right. You can come sing with us. Theres’s no set schedule but we do it a lot. We do it a whole lot when Klem is menstruating which happens either all the time or not at all because peri-menopause AMIRITE! So, lots of karaoke and we’ll show you how. Bring the big pads.

New year. New podcast. New activewear! Find out just how active that wear is with your friends at Legs and Eggs! Why does Jimmy Smits looks like that? Why does Nick Turturro look like a flushed turd but his brother is cool AF? Why do we kill everyone Sipowicz loves?These questions, and more, will be addressed like Lincoln addressed Gettysburg.Which reminds me! Legs and Eggs is proud to introduce — wait for it — DOCTOR PENIS, MEDICINE PENIS! Who dat? You’ll find out!All that AND: We’ll make scenes at an Italian restaurant with David Brooks! The difference between Riverdance and Deliverance! Mayor Eric Adams for President! Leggo this Eggo!Are you worried you missed an episode? Having trouble finding us on social media? Well, have no fear! We know your struggle and have wrapped everything up nice and neat and even put a fucking bow on it. Just visit our website shows.acast.com/legsandeggs where you will find everything your little heart desires. We even have a link for StarMaker where you can sing karaoke LIVE with Klem!Our Patreon is where all the action really is. Early access, bonus content, Legs and Eggs swag, and if you dare to go Inside the Actor’s Butthole, Fupa Jones, the actor, will send you a signed pic of his butt. That’s right! Fupa’s ass can be framed and hung in your home! What are you waiting for?Have questions for any of the hosts? Want some advice about dry jacking or whether it is ethical to refuse a load? You can email us at legsandeggspodcast@gmail.com or leave a message on our Google phone number 929-263-4165. Drunk messages encouraged because those have been funny af.Click here to get your very own JOPants!