Legs & Eggs

It’s 9/11. And Legs & Eggs is back again from the depths of your soul to the front of your face. Guten tag, bitchez! Guten tag!Today we celebrate the birth of Freedom Fries and the death of Saddam Hussein. Today we fly the corn muffin at half-mast. Today we remember to not forget. Celebrating with us for the first time ever is the one, the only GAVEEN! Let’s welcome Gaveen to the podcast! We've got new songs. We’ve got old songs. We’ve got cat hairs in our ears. We’ve got Bernie Kolfeld with more cyberknife information. Jet fuel may not melt steel beams, but this edition of TOILET TALK WITH KLEM STUMP sure will!Happy first day of 9/11 season everybody. Let’s see this bitch through to MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!Follow us on Twitter (@legsandeggspod)Subscribe to our Substack and stay up to date on all Fupa's poetry

OR IMMEDIATE RELEASE!Joe’s dropping out. We had thoughts. You need to hear them. Listen to Fupa, Klem, and Heather react to the news of Joe Biden dropping out of the Presidential race. We all know they’ve been holding him up Weekend at Bernie’s style for months anyway. They drone struck and missed Cher’s Diner and Joe got retired so Val Kilmer is now President for the next 38 days until Jojo Siwa becomes Doja Cqt and we all can walk again. Jesus H Motherfucking Christ

This morning Klem wrapped herself around me and said "you like me because I have big titties".Ladies and Gentlemen I present to you The Best of the rest of Klem Stump

What can we say about Heather that hasn’t been said before? We can’t. It has all been said before because Heather is the most basic of all basic bitches. Heather invented basic. You’ve heard of NormCore. Well, Heather inspired it with her infinite power of basic. Being that basic can make a girl tired. And oh boy is Heather tired. She’s exhausted with all the stupidity in the world. She’d like everyone to shut up and let her enjoy a glass of wine and a cigarette. Heather’s a mom. She’s not your mom. But you wish she was. She’s America’s Favorite Wine Mom. Who doesn’t love moms? Want more Heather? You can get more Heather by subscribing to our Substack. Heather loves substacking. Or maybe you’re a freak who wants to call her and leave her a message. You can do that too. Heather loves messages. They make her happy. You want her to be happy, right? Don’t let your favorite mom down. Give her a call. 929-263-4165Embrace your inner basic bitch and get yourself a Heather tote bag. It’s perfect for bringing home a few bottles of wine and a carton of cigarettes. Heather would appreciate very much if you would follow her on Twitter. 

Who is Fupa Jones? He’s a man with a plan. A rebel without a cause. He’s 3 children in a trench coat. Fupa Jones is all of us. He’s none of us. He’s an Actor, in a bathtub. It’s Fupa Jones’, the actor’s bathtub. The bathtub of Fupa Jones, the actor. Fupa Jones is a poet. A beautiful poet. A hopefully someday award winning poet. He’s the man who brought us the hits Spaceman Dan and Kobe Bryant is on Fire. Is he a drug addled podcaster from Brooklyn? Is he an anti government edge lord? He is all of that, and none of that, and all of that again until it doesn’t exist anymore and you are living in a fever dream of corn and chili dogs. Or maybe he’s not that at all. He’s more of a feeling, or a taste, or one of your other senses. Maybe Fupa Jones is touch? Is he touch? We know he’d love to touch Hunter Biden’s bare ass. Subscribe to our Substack to get all of Fupa Jones’ beautiful poetry. You like poetry, right? Everyone loves poems. Want Fupa to watch you urinate? Maybe do a number 2 every so often. Now you can with your very own Fupa Jones shower curtain. Don’t forget to follow Fupa on Twitter. He loves when you do that. 

All the Wolf you love to eat! This episode is like a burrito that’s choc full o’ Wolf Blitzer. You thought you knew Wolf Blitzer but you don’t know Wolf Blitzer like we know Wolf Blitzer so you ain’t got no fuckin’ idea what you’re talkin’ bout when you bring that weak-ass Wolf Blitzer shit into my Wplf Blitzer motherfuckin house motherfuckersWe got our friends The Dillon Street Boys from Swamp Talk with us this week. We got Heather educating us about her favorite Billy Joel song, River Of Dreams. And we get to hear all about her touching Mother’s Day. (Heh. Touching mothers.)We got our pal President George W. Bush reciting poetry! PLUS!! the world premiere of our new song FROGGY CHOO-CHOO! It’s about Klem and Fupa’s cat Curtis. We love Curtis so much. AND we dive back into the tub once more and go INSIDE THE ACTOR’S BATHTUB WITH THE ACTOR FUPA JONES!Jesus looks so sad. Probably cuz he’s on a cross. I wouldn’t look happy, I can tell you that much.Hey, do you like this kind of thing? Subscribe to our Substack. You get stuff like this all the time. It’s like having some friends you don’t have to clean up after or make dinner for or have an awkward conversation as you feel out if the neighbors are swingers or not and if you’re into it.And please, call our phone number in 929-263-4165 and say something to us. We love talking and hearing and listening to you, my sexy babies. It would make us so very happy. Once again that number is 929-263-4165 CALL NOW!!!

Is Jelly Roll a Government plant? Our sources say maybe? Does Bono sculpt his chest hair? Yes, and you won’t believe what sculpting product he uses. Does Bright Eyes suck their own nipples? Reply hazy, try again.Also, Mayor Eric Adams tells you what you can you experience in New York. President Joe describes things in terms of how many 9/11s they are. And Klem gives you the hot scoop with her Toilet Talk!And that’s not all! What the fuck are Hot Cross Buns? Gaveen’s tummy! Bernie Kolfeld assuages your prostate concerns. Plus more from Fox and Julio from Conspiracy Soldiers podcast!I am the pilot, folks. And we’re all going down together. Because there’s no parachutes on this plane.Follow us on Twitter!

Yenshee Baby, baby! It’s been a while. Time to squeeze this baby out.We are so back. Backer than ever. Fox and Julio from Conspiracy Soldiers are here! Yes they are! We fucking around and finding out.Heather has baking stories. Klem eats cheese. Everyone has intimate relations with John Popper of Blues Traveler. Doctor Penis. Medicine Penis.ABC’s Head Of The Class stars Dan Schneider and Howard Hesseman.Subscribe to our Substack! We put giant teddies in those. Teddies like the lingerie, which was a thing. Look it up! (I meant to say "tiddies" but "teddies" works).Feel like buying stuff? Buy this stuff!Legs & Eggs merch! Want Heather to watch you poop? Well now she can, kinda! Get your own Heather shower curtain and those private eyes could be watching YOU!Do you enjoy singing? Maybe you like listening to terrible singing? Join Klem (and sometimes Fupa) for some karaoke in The Loading Zone.All your other problems can be solved by putting a dick in your mouth. The End.