Finding You: with Dr. Brad Reedy

In this episode, Dr. Reedy explains how our attachment must evolve along with our child’s development. He explains that the first tasks in attachment are belonging, safety, and stability. But once a child enters adolescence, the stage of life where one must develop their own identity and sense of self, the parents’ attachment task is more about letting go and separation. He explains that parents must change many of their fundamental ideals and assumptions about parenting for the child to grow in the ways that they need to grow.

In this episode, Dr. Reedy shares his thoughts on self-care versus self-improvement, the trap of self-righteousness, and how our self-awareness is only as good as our self-compassion. He explains why humans seek to please other humans and what is meant by a “transformation of consciousness.”

In this episode, Dr. Reedy talks about the roles we take on in families. He explains how the s scapegoat or identified patient serve to take on the shame and undone work of the family. Often their symptoms are messengers of the work previous generations have avoided up to this point. They often bring the entire family into therapy and are regarded as sort of a “hero.” This is because once the family system enters therapy, then the real issues, or the root of the issues, can be addressed. Ultimately, the responsibility for each person is to take back their own shadow, their own projections, and assume responsibility for the happiness and serenity of their own life.

Dr. Reedy explains how boundaries are synonymous with self-care. He explains that boundaries set from a codependent context are meant to change others while boundaries set from a secure sense of self are set to take care of one’s self. He explains how consequences, under the umbrella of boundaries, are an attempt to change behaviors in others. And finally, if we set boundaries to change others we are implicitly suggesting that serenity is found outside of us.

Dr. Reedy discusses whether going home for the holidays is the best thing for us. He discusses the guilt, shame and obligation that’s “baked-in” to us when it comes to visiting family or maintaining relationships we have outgrown. He doesn’t offer advice but rather takes the audience through the questions and the thinking that goes into our relationships. He explains that a task in attachment is to let go of others when they need to be somewhere else and how many people feel compelled to spend time with family and others because of unconscious obligations. The nature of the parent-child dynamic is discussed and how it can be turned upside-down when children feel the need to take care of parents’ emotional well-being and egos.

Dr. Reedy discusses how therapists (specifically analytical and attachment-based therapists) may think about religion. He explores the function of religion as a way to relate to life and to the world. He talks about how disconnection from God is synonymous with disconnection from ourselves. He talks about our relationship with fear and how if we avoid the feelings of uncertainty and the pain that comes from living, and trade those in for certainty and control, we are guilty of spiritual bypass.

Dr. Reedy explains that the goal in therapy is reducing shame, creating safety, and lessening resistance. Therapy is a different way of being with someone, so they feel safe enough to lower their defenses. He suggests that we can learn from therapy and apply principles of dealing with resistance to all our relationships and to ourselves. He discusses how common resistance is in our work. He talks about how to engage others so as not to provoke resistance and how our own resistance, rooted in shame, is the bulk of what therapy treats.

Dr. Reedy discusses the difference between therapy and a podcast. He explains that ultimately, we must face what is presenting itself to us in our lives. We must go in and through the pain and difficulty to discover news resources that lie within all of us. He talks about how we avoid parts of ourselves and repress feelings, characteristics, or traits in order to fit in and how the problems that bring us to therapy are a call to the hero’s adventure.