Finding You: with Dr. Brad Reedy

Dr. Reedy discusses the trend of people going no contact with their family members. He explains how to respond when someone shares that they want to go no contact. He explains why people do and don't set such a boundary with family. members.

Dr. Reedy takes questions from the Inner Circle audience. He talks about the difference between sharing your feelings and asking others to be responsible for your feelings. He talks about the challenge when children don't forgive parents.

Dr. Reedy discusses the impact of parental anxiety, especially anxiety that is un-owned by the parent, on the child. He explains that the child will interpret this distress in the parent as "something is wrong we me, the child." He also describes how a parent's nervous system becomes the blueprint for the child's developing nervous system and sense e of Self. He describes the coping strategies employed by the child when parental anxiety prevents attunement, connection, and a secure attachment.

Dr. Reedy discuss the negative influence of guilt on our lives and our relationships. He minimizes the often cited distinction between guilt and shame and talks about how both are obstacles on our journey towards mental health and intimacy.

Dr. Reedy reviews what he considers to be the most important book written on the subject of child development and mental health. Alice Miller writes in her book, “Experience has taught us that we have only one enduring weapon in our struggle against mental illness: the emotional discovery of the truth about the unique history of our childhood…we must try, in a long process, to discover our own personal touch, a truth that may cause pain before giving us a new sphere of freedom. If we choose instead to content ourselves with intellectual ‘wisdom,’ we will remain in the sphere of illusion and self-deception. The damage done to us during our childhood cannot be undone, since we cannot change anything in our past. We can, however, change ourselves. We can repair ourselves and gain our lost integrity by choosing to look more closely at the knowledge that is stored inside our bodies and bringing this knowledge closer to our awareness. This path, although certainly not easy, is the only route by which we can at last leave behind the cruel, invisible prison of our childhood. We become free by transforming ourselves from unaware victims of the past into responsible individuals in the present, who are aware of our past and are thus able to live with it. Most people do exactly the opposite. Without realizing that the past is constantly determining their present actions, they avoid learning anything about their history. They continue to live in their repressed childhood situation, ignoring the fact that it no longer exists.

Dr. Reedy explains the diagnosis of NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) and the wound that creates it. He explains the connection between this wound, defenses, and gaslighting. He talks about how narcissism isn't too much love or indulgence, but rather objectifying the child.

Dr. Reedy takes question from the audience on taking care of yourself and setting boundaries with your family to do so. He also talks about how our defense, our need to be good, will often result in gaslighting type behaviors. He takes question on how our children are our teachers and how symptoms can inform us about ourselves and others.

Dr. Reedy discusses psychodynamic informed therapy and how many of what we hear today is 100 years old. We just weren't ready to hear it when Freud and Jung were alive. He talks about the core of their work (and what people call "trauma-informed") is based on the idea that symptoms are messengers that we need to listen to rather than get rid of. He explains that the therapeutic relationship is the medicine where the client can re-experience themselves is a safe context.