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Alonement
Anita Bhagwandas: Finding a Social Balance When You Live Alone
Season 9, Ep. 4
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My guest this week is Anita Bhagwandas, an award winning beauty director, and more recently the author of Ugly: Giving Us Back Our Beauty Standards, a book that examines the damaging impact of narrow beauty ideals and serves as a brilliant manifesto towards a more inclusive attitude. The book explores the importance of practising self care on your own terms, not what the beauty industry tells you - something Anita knows a lot about after 15 years in the industry. Anita also lives alone in London, like me, and we discuss the creative joys of cooking for one, getting to plan a week that perfectly balances quiet night doing laundry with going out to gigs with friends - something Anita loves – plus an honest discussion of why getting flaked on can affect you much harder when you’re single or live alone.
Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.
Takeaways
- Alone time preferences can vary from person to person, and it is important to find a balance that works for you.
- Self-care is not about buying things or following trends; it is about understanding what truly nourishes and rejuvenates you.
- The commodification of self-care has led to a misconception that it requires expensive products or activities, when in reality, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes for yourself.
- It is important to advocate for yourself and communicate your needs to others, especially when it comes to making plans and canceling.
- Cooking for oneself can be an act of self-care, and it is important to challenge the notion that it is not worth it to cook for one person.
- Don't just follow beauty trends or societal expectations, choose makeup and beauty routines that bring you joy and creativity.
- Alone time can be an escape from beauty standards and an opportunity to embrace your natural self.
- Choose what beauty work brings you joy and let go of the tasks that feel tedious or unnecessary.
- Journaling and checking in with yourself can be a valuable practice for self-reflection and self-care.
Chapters
00:00
Introduction and Speed Friending
02:14
Being Good at Time Alone
03:10
Introverts and Only Children
05:39
Alone Time During the Pandemic
08:05
Journalist Mode in Social Situations
11:12
Solo Hobbies
15:31
Changing Relationship with Alone Time
18:04
The Myth of Self-Care
27:57
Counteracting Myths Around Self-Care
32:30
Navigating External Reinforcement of Self-Care
35:08
Overcoming Only-Me-ism in Cooking
36:45
The Joy of Cooking and Makeup
38:20
The Danger of Makeup as a Tool to Hide
39:17
Rediscovering the Joy and Creativity of Makeup
40:30
The Solo Process of Makeup and Self-Criticism
41:35
Cooking for Yourself vs. Cooking for Others
43:58
Escaping Beauty Standards in Alone Time
44:49
Choosing What Beauty Work to Enjoy
47:25
Picking and Choosing What Makes You Feel Good
48:21
Alonement: Journalling and Checking In with Yourself
49:36
The Joy of Writing in a Nice Notebook
You can follow Anita Bhagwandas' Substack at anitabhagwandas.substack.com, and mine at francescaspecter.substack.com
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46:18||Season 10, Ep. 1Welcome to season 10 of Alonement! Katie Norris, an award-winning comedian and confirmed cat-cherlorette (OK, I came up with that) is my guest on the first episode of this season. Katie adopted her 'lockdown baby', Atticus, at the start of the pandemic. He's been her companion as she's established herself as a stand-up comedian, and taken a prolonged dating hiatus. She shares how she's claiming the much-maligned 'childless cat lady' stereotype (with a middle finger up to JD Vance). Plus, the highs and lows of solo comedy (after years of being a double act) and maintaining self-esteem in the face of criticism. This is a conversation about following your heart, as Katie has done, towards a life that feels right for you – romantically, and creatively. Whether you’re a fellow pet owner, a single person, a comedy fan or simply someone curious about all of the above, there will be something here for you. Happy listening – and if you love this episode, do leave a glowing review! Now for some handles! You can find Katie on Instagram at @katienorris26 – while Francesca is on Instagram @chezspecter and writes a Substack newsletter, francescaspecter.substack.com8. Maggie Smith: Financial Independence, Relearning Vulnerability & Dating After Divorce
42:03||Season 9, Ep. 8Maggie Smith is a poet & writer who found overnight fame when her poem, ‘Good Bones’, went viral on social media in 2016. Later on, her life was to take a further change when her husband of 19 years, and the father of her children, announced he wanted a divorce two years later. Her memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, published in April 2023 – explores the connection between these two events, how become a hit writer led to the breakdown of her marriage – and what could be found in the disruption that followed it all. Throughout it all, Maggie’s love of creativity and solitude has been a constant – something she speaks to me about in this episode. We also talk about finding love in middle age, and the joy of a relationship that’s free from the pressure of milestones.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.TakeawaysAlone time can be a positive and restorative experience, especially for creative individuals.Being in a relationship that is not working can be lonelier than being alone.Financial independence and self-sufficiency are important for personal empowerment.There is freedom in choosing a relationship without merging lives and milestones.Alone time is essential for creativity and self-reflection.Chapters00:00Introduction and Small Talk03:33Exploring the Meaning of Alone04:27Aloneness as a Positive and Restorative Experience05:24The Irony of Being an Introverted Writer06:24The Challenges of Being an Introverted Writer in the Public Eye08:15Navigating Life After Divorce09:43The Loneliness of Incompatible Partnership10:41Living Alone vs. Living Without a Partner11:36The Myth of Partnership Solving Loneliness13:29The Shift in Attitudes Towards Being Alone14:52The Impact of Age on Relationship Choices16:13The Pressure to Settle Down and Have Children17:32Financial Independence and Self-Sufficiency18:45The Liberation of Not Racing Through Relationship Milestones19:58The Freedom of Choosing a Relationship Without Merging Lives21:20Balancing Independence and Vulnerability22:48The Lack of Cultural Models for Non-Traditional Relationships23:44The Beauty of Constant Companionship24:43The Negative Side of Hyper-Independence25:39The Importance of Alone Time for Creativity27:29Learning to Accept Help and Support28:54Returning to a Special Place for Solitude31:43The Restorative Power of Writing Alone33:09The Impact of Professional Success on Relationships35:31The Evolution of Creativity After Having Children39:21The Joy of Having Unstructured Alone Time7. Alice Vincent: A Garden of One's Own
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49:30||Season 9, Ep. 6Leslie Stephens is the writer behind Morning Person, a top 10 Substack newsletter that chronicles her life in Portland, Oregon. In August last year, shortly after her 30th birthday, Leslie announced to her readers that she was separating from her husband. Over the past 18 months, she’s chronicled her journey of living by herself for the first time, including her recent solo house purchase – which we chat about in this episode. She also shares her advice – as a former food and lifestyle editor – of establishing a home by yourself, and – crucially – for yourself, rather than designing around the absence of someone else. Whether or not you’re already familiar with Leslie’s work, this conversation is full of gems for any kind of solo living – I hope you get as much from it as I did.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device. This season of Alonement was edited by Pineapple Audio Production.Chapters00:00Introduction01:00Learning to Make a Home for One02:25Designing a Home as a Solo Liver05:22The Challenges and Mistakes of Designing Alone06:47Designing with a Partner vs Designing Alone10:59The Lack of Resources for Solo Living11:55Creating Content for Solo Living13:17Making Changes in a Solo Living Space14:44The Importance of Solitude in Designing a Home19:44The Lack of Resources for Designing a First Home Alone21:08Building a New Relationship with a Parent22:32Navigating the Grey Areas of Life25:16Coping with Weekends and Sundays Alone27:07Finding Joy in Cooking for One32:29Creating Recipes and Experimenting with Cooking Alone38:11The Inspiration Behind the Novel 'You're Safe Here'46:26Maintaining Solitude in a Relationship47:45The Ultimate Alonement: Movement and Stillness10:00The Importance of Self-Awareness20:00The Role of External Validation30:00Navigating Comparison and Social Media40:00The Impact of Internal Dialogue48:40Conclusion