Alonement

Maggie Smith is a poet & writer who found overnight fame when her poem, ‘Good Bones’, went viral on social media in 2016. Later on, her life was to take a further change when her husband of 19 years, and the father of her children, announced he wanted a divorce two years later. Her memoir, You Could Make This Place Beautiful, published in April 2023 – explores the connection between these two events, how become a hit writer led to the breakdown of her marriage – and what could be found in the disruption that followed it all. Throughout it all, Maggie’s love of creativity and solitude has been a constant – something she speaks to me about in this episode. We also talk about finding love in middle age, and the joy of a relationship that’s free from the pressure of milestones.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.TakeawaysAlone time can be a positive and restorative experience, especially for creative individuals.Being in a relationship that is not working can be lonelier than being alone.Financial independence and self-sufficiency are important for personal empowerment.There is freedom in choosing a relationship without merging lives and milestones.Alone time is essential for creativity and self-reflection.Chapters00:00Introduction and Small Talk03:33Exploring the Meaning of Alone04:27Aloneness as a Positive and Restorative Experience05:24The Irony of Being an Introverted Writer06:24The Challenges of Being an Introverted Writer in the Public Eye08:15Navigating Life After Divorce09:43The Loneliness of Incompatible Partnership10:41Living Alone vs. Living Without a Partner11:36The Myth of Partnership Solving Loneliness13:29The Shift in Attitudes Towards Being Alone14:52The Impact of Age on Relationship Choices16:13The Pressure to Settle Down and Have Children17:32Financial Independence and Self-Sufficiency18:45The Liberation of Not Racing Through Relationship Milestones19:58The Freedom of Choosing a Relationship Without Merging Lives21:20Balancing Independence and Vulnerability22:48The Lack of Cultural Models for Non-Traditional Relationships23:44The Beauty of Constant Companionship24:43The Negative Side of Hyper-Independence25:39The Importance of Alone Time for Creativity27:29Learning to Accept Help and Support28:54Returning to a Special Place for Solitude31:43The Restorative Power of Writing Alone33:09The Impact of Professional Success on Relationships35:31The Evolution of Creativity After Having Children39:21The Joy of Having Unstructured Alone Time

Leslie Stephens is the writer behind Morning Person, a top 10 Substack newsletter that chronicles her life in Portland, Oregon. In August last year, shortly after her 30th birthday, Leslie announced to her readers that she was separating from her husband. Over the past 18 months, she’s chronicled her journey of living by herself for the first time, including her recent solo house purchase – which we chat about in this episode. She also shares her advice – as a former food and lifestyle editor – of establishing a home by yourself, and – crucially – for yourself, rather than designing around the absence of someone else. Whether or not you’re already familiar with Leslie’s work, this conversation is full of gems for any kind of solo living – I hope you get as much from it as I did.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device. This season of Alonement was edited by Pineapple Audio Production.Chapters00:00Introduction01:00Learning to Make a Home for One02:25Designing a Home as a Solo Liver05:22The Challenges and Mistakes of Designing Alone06:47Designing with a Partner vs Designing Alone10:59The Lack of Resources for Solo Living11:55Creating Content for Solo Living13:17Making Changes in a Solo Living Space14:44The Importance of Solitude in Designing a Home19:44The Lack of Resources for Designing a First Home Alone21:08Building a New Relationship with a Parent22:32Navigating the Grey Areas of Life25:16Coping with Weekends and Sundays Alone27:07Finding Joy in Cooking for One32:29Creating Recipes and Experimenting with Cooking Alone38:11The Inspiration Behind the Novel 'You're Safe Here'46:26Maintaining Solitude in a Relationship47:45The Ultimate Alonement: Movement and Stillness10:00The Importance of Self-Awareness20:00The Role of External Validation30:00Navigating Comparison and Social Media40:00The Impact of Internal Dialogue48:40Conclusion

Getting engaged to your partner is typically a time for celebration. But for today’s guest Max Dickins, it was …. more complicated. As he prepared to propose to his girlfriend, Naomi, he had an uncomfortable revelation: he couldn’t think of anyone to ask to be his best man. This prompted a personal crisis for the writer and comedian – one which inspired him to address the dwindling friendship connections in his own life …… and to investigate the topic of male mental health and loneliness more. The result was his brilliant non-fiction book, Billy No Mates: How I Realised Men Have a Friendship Problem.This is a wide-ranging discussion, which actually opens with a chat about the romance of solitude – sometimes Max has always valued, but once used as an excuse for why he sometimes had no one to see at weekends. We also cover gendered attitudes towards both solitude and loneliness, which was really interesting and definitely opened my eyes. I hope you enjoy listening.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.TakeawaysSolitude and loneliness are not the same; solitude is a choice to spend time alone, while loneliness is a subjective feeling of unhappiness with social connections.Gender plays a significant role in the association of solitude and loneliness, with historical and cultural factors influencing the gendered distinctions.Toxic masculinity can contribute to extreme solitude and the need to outdo each other in terms of solitude, which can be pathological.The social biome is a balance of different types of relationships, including close friendships, casual connections, and moments of solitude.Weekend loneliness is a phenomenon that affects many individuals, particularly men, who may feel isolated and lacking social connections during weekends.Understanding and appreciating the value of solitude can lead to a healthier balance in relationships and personal well-being.Chapters00:00 Introduction and Background03:00 Gendered Perspectives on Solitude06:00 Toxic Masculinity and Extreme Solitude09:00 The Rationalisation of Solitude10:00 Loneliness vs. Solitude12:00 The Social Biome and Balance15:00 The Friendship Problem for Men20:00 Exploring Masculinity and Gender Conditioning23:00 Gendered Behaviours and Barriers to Connection29:00 Weekend Loneliness and its Impact34:00 Reevaluating the Value of Solitude38:00 Reflections on the Book and the Importance of Conversation

My guest this week is Anita Bhagwandas, an award winning beauty director, and more recently the author of Ugly: Giving Us Back Our Beauty Standards, a book that examines the damaging impact of narrow beauty ideals and serves as a brilliant manifesto towards a more inclusive attitude. The book explores the importance of practising self care on your own terms, not what the beauty industry tells you - something Anita knows a lot about after 15 years in the industry. Anita also lives alone in London, like me, and we discuss the creative joys of cooking for one, getting to plan a week that perfectly balances quiet night doing laundry with going out to gigs with friends - something Anita loves – plus an honest discussion of why getting flaked on can affect you much harder when you’re single or live alone.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.TakeawaysAlone time preferences can vary from person to person, and it is important to find a balance that works for you.Self-care is not about buying things or following trends; it is about understanding what truly nourishes and rejuvenates you.The commodification of self-care has led to a misconception that it requires expensive products or activities, when in reality, it can be as simple as taking a few minutes for yourself.It is important to advocate for yourself and communicate your needs to others, especially when it comes to making plans and canceling.Cooking for oneself can be an act of self-care, and it is important to challenge the notion that it is not worth it to cook for one person. Don't just follow beauty trends or societal expectations, choose makeup and beauty routines that bring you joy and creativity.Alone time can be an escape from beauty standards and an opportunity to embrace your natural self.Choose what beauty work brings you joy and let go of the tasks that feel tedious or unnecessary.Journaling and checking in with yourself can be a valuable practice for self-reflection and self-care.Chapters00:00Introduction and Speed Friending02:14Being Good at Time Alone03:10Introverts and Only Children05:39Alone Time During the Pandemic08:05Journalist Mode in Social Situations11:12Solo Hobbies15:31Changing Relationship with Alone Time18:04The Myth of Self-Care27:57Counteracting Myths Around Self-Care32:30Navigating External Reinforcement of Self-Care35:08Overcoming Only-Me-ism in Cooking36:45The Joy of Cooking and Makeup38:20The Danger of Makeup as a Tool to Hide39:17Rediscovering the Joy and Creativity of Makeup40:30The Solo Process of Makeup and Self-Criticism41:35Cooking for Yourself vs. Cooking for Others43:58Escaping Beauty Standards in Alone Time44:49Choosing What Beauty Work to Enjoy47:25Picking and Choosing What Makes You Feel Good48:21Alonement: Journalling and Checking In with Yourself49:36The Joy of Writing in a Nice NotebookYou can follow Anita Bhagwandas' Substack at anitabhagwandas.substack.com, and mine at francescaspecter.substack.com

In this episode, Jessica Pan discusses her book 'Sorry I'm Late, I Didn't Want to Come' and her journey of embracing extroversion. As we discuss on the show, Jessica is almost the opposite to me – she’s an introvert who learnt to be more extraverted, whereas I started exploring Alonement as a means of dealing with my fear, as an extrovert, of being alone. She tells me about her journey to embrace solo travel, socialising with strangers and making new friends, all with the help of her 'extrovert mentors'. What this following episode touches on is the importance of balance and choice around how we spend our alone time, plus how learning to integrate more connection in your life can help you fall back in love with your solitude. We also touch on the loneliness of big cities, particularly London, and how Jessica has managed to curate her own tiny village within the UK capital. Jessica also talks about starting her Substack newsletter, It'll Be Fun, They Said, based on part-time job working in a local independent bookshop. Finally, she shares her favourite kinds of alone time, which involves reading by the ocean and journaling in a cafe.TakeawaysEmbracing alone time can be a luxurious and fulfilling experience when it is a choice.Working in a bookshop can be enchanting and provide opportunities for meaningful connections with customers.Journaling is a valuable tool for self-reflection and understanding one's thoughts and feelings.Solo travel can be challenging but can also provide opportunities for personal growth and self-discovery.Having extrovert mentors can provide guidance and support in navigating social situations.Chapters00:00Introduction and Background02:21Different Journeys, Same Goal03:42The Fluidity of Introversion and Extroversion04:10The Pleasure of Working in a Bookshop05:31Starting the Substack Newsletter06:30Choosing Pleasure and Storytelling08:25The Enchantment of Working in a Bookshop09:50The Joy of Working in a Bookshop10:46The Aspirational Lifestyle of Working in a Bookshop11:02Balancing Work and Alone Time12:57The Privilege and Prison of Being Alone13:57Choosing to Be Alone14:25The Nuance of Enjoying Alone Time15:24The Universal Loneliness Problem16:48The Counterintuitive Decision to Be an Extrovert17:18The Loneliness of Metropolitan Life19:10The Surprise Solo Travel Experience23:12The Challenges of Solo Travel25:08The Benefit of Extrovert Mentors32:50Favorite Extrovert Adventures36:36Gaining Compassion for Introverted Parts40:05Tips for Spending Time Alone45:27Appreciating Introverted Parts of Yourself46:26Creating a Village in the City49:21Curating a Community51:17Creating Connections52:15Favourite Alone TimeThank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.You can follow Jessica Pan's Substack at jesspan.substack.com, and my own at francescaspecter.substack.com

My guest on this week’s episode is Poppy Jay, best known as the co-host of Brown Girls Do It Too, which won Podcast of the Year at the British Podcast Awards 2020. She’s also a BAFTA-nominated documentary maker, devoted to chronicling difficult, real-life stories for BBC Three and Channel 4. But she’s also been honest about her own: after entering an arranged marriage at the age of 19, Poppy got divorced at 25 – and has spent the past decade exploring her identity. In a Times interview earlier this year, she said – ’I’m 37 and and my whole life has been riddled with shame. Now I try to live by confronting it and owning it.’ And that’s exactly what she does in this episode – we talk about everything from the self-knowledge that comes from being alone, doing nothing, to why Poppy’s trying to be more honest for her need to be by herself after casual sex – and the unexpected beauty of a mutual, respectful break-up in your 30s.Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device.

'That's the root of perfectionism: that chronic deficit thinking, the belief that we're not good enough. That we're not attractive enough, smart enough, fit enough, whatever it might be. In order to compensate for those feelings, we project on to the world a perfect persona that we feel like everybody wants to see – that we should be, essentially. And it's exhausting if you have to keep that up in every single interaction.'Welcome back to another season of Alonement. My first guest on this season is Dr Thomas Curran, a world leading expert on perfectionism and the author of The Perfection Trap: The Power Of Good Enough In A World That Always Wants More. Endorsed by the likes of Adam Grant and, more recently, Gwyneth Paltrow, The Perfection Trap is the culmination of years of academic research, interwoven with other expert voices, and as well as being rooted in academia it’s also chatty, engaging and honest, which was not something I expected from an academic text. In this conversation, we chat about the relationship between alone time and perfectionism. This includes how solitude can sometimes be used as a space to recover from perfectionism, for practising a hobby that you’re not, technically, very good at – purely for the joy of it. But also the danger of bringing your own perfectionist tendencies along, like trying to get a PB every time you go for a solo run. We also touch on the potential loneliness of relocating you have to do as an academic professor – or any lifestyle, like digital nomadism, that involves rootlessness and moving around a lot. Finally, we discuss how time outside – specifically cycling in nature – is Thom’s favourite kind of alonement, and how sometimes finding joy in solitude can come to our rescue in our lowest moments. Thank you to our season sponsor Sensate, a palm-sized infrasonic stress and anti-anxiety device. Visit getsensate.com/alonement for 10% off your first device (you can also use the code ALONEMENT at checkout).

You can’t really love anyone until you love yourself. While we see this a lot on Instagram, it’s something that actually requires a lot of exploration – and it’s my guest this week, the bestselling author and mind coach Vex King, that many of us have turned to over the past few years to teach us the true power of self-love, through his books, first in 2018’s Good Vibes, Good Life and later in 2021’s Healing is the New High. Now, Vex is back with his new title – Closer To Love – an essential guide to bringing those lessons into dating and romantic relationships. In this episode, he shares a little sample platter of that wisdom. We discuss everything from how Vex’s difficult upbringing made him the person he is today - how he’s navigated what he calls the verb, or action, that is love, in his own relationship with his wife. Finally, a fresh approach to self-love: how to demonstrate it to yourself through actions, and how to self-love if you’re looking for a relationship but haven’t found one yet. We discuss, among other things:Vex’s understanding of love as something that exists ‘within you’ [5:31]How self-love can help us identify healthy relationship dynamics [7:58]‘Healing’ in a relationship versus outside of a relationship [15:25]The distinction between ‘mature’ and ‘immature’ love [25:32]How to show yourself love through your actions [30:30]Vex’s journey towards self-acceptance after being bullied for his voice [40:23]Why daily meditation is Vex’s alonement [48:02]Cultural references from our conversation:The concept of immature versus mature love, originating in Eric Fromm’s book The Art of Loving‘Knowing how to be solitary is central to the art of loving’, a quote from bell hooks’ All About Love‘You can’t heal what you don’t reveal’, from the song ‘Kill Jay-Z’ by Jay-ZYou can purchase all of Vex King’s books from Vexking.comSubscribe to my weekly email newsletter at francescaspecter.substack.com to follow my personal writing plus podcast bonus content.You can also order my book, Alonement: How To Be Alone and Absolutely Own It, which is based on this very podcast, now from Amazon,  Waterstones and Bookshop.org.Thank you so much to WestLab for sponsoring this season of the podcast. Visit westlabsalts.co.uk/products/dead-sea-salt and quote the code ALONEMENT15 for 15% off when you spend £10 or more, excludes subscriptions,T&Cs apply. Code expires 31st August 2023.Twitter:*  @ChezSpecter@vexking*Instagram: *@ChezSpecter@vexking