Why She Stayed

In this episode, I’m sharing my honest thoughts on whether the word “narcissist” may actually be setting us back when it comes to understanding abuse and coercive control.We talk about why focusing so heavily on whether an abusive person is a “narcissist” can sometimes distract from what matters most: the behavior, the patterns, the power dynamics, and the impact of the abuse.I share my perspective on why I think it’s worth taking a step back from the narcissism conversation and looking more closely at coercive control and the dynamics of abuse.A Resource for Survivors: If you’re looking for additional support, check out Aimee Says, an AI tool designed to help survivors of domestic abuse.Use code GRACE at checkout: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select

In this episode, Helen shares her story of the subtle ways coercive control made her believe that she was the problem.She shares how he repeatedly blamed her for leaving “right when he was about to get things right,” pressured her sexually by suggesting other women would pursue him if she wasn't "his covering, and even involved their children by asking, “Do you want Dad to have to get a girlfriend?”Helen also describes how he compared her to other women and used criticism about her being “clumsy” to make her second-guess herself and constantly walk on eggshells.What looked like frustration, disappointment, or relationship problems was part of a larger pattern designed to shift the blame onto Helen and keep her focused on fixing herself.Aimee Says AI Tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/selectUse Code GRACE at checkout for a discount.Helen's Instagram page: https://www.instagram.com/helennataliec/?hl=en

How do you know when an abuser’s “change” is actually just another form of control?In this episode, I break down the clear signs that an abusive person is not truly changing, including real text messaging examples and behaviors you may see after leaving.I also talk about how you can respond in a way that gives you greater clarity and helps you recognize a stream of clues that the change is performative or temporary. We’ll talk about using boundary setting as a tool for yourself (not because you expect a coercive controller to respect your boundary indefinitely), but because a boundary can create a marker for YOU to refer back to. Their response to that boundary can give you a stream of new evidence to help you remain focused while you are away from them.If you’re struggling to determine whether someone is truly changing or simply changing tactics, this episode is for you.Aimee Says AI Tool: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select - use code GRACE for a discount.Abusive Men Describe the Benefits of Violence Article: https://www.bwss.org/abusive-men-describe-the-benefits-of-violence/Quotes used from the book "Why Does He Do That"

If you never read another book, listen to another podcast, or consume another piece of content about abuse, there is one thing I want you to understand:If you continue looking at your relationship through an incident-based lens, you will always end up asking the wrong questions. You’ll focus on individual moments — What did he say? What did I say? What happened right before the argument? Could I have handled that differently? Did I contribute to this? each incident, it becomes incredibly easy to conclude that you could have done something differently.That is exactly why pattern-based thinking is so important.Instead of examining each incident as though it exists independently, pattern-based thinking asks you to step back and look at what is happening over time. What function does his behavior serve? What does it consistently produce? What happens to you as a result?The more you analyze individual incidents, the easier it becomes to put yourself on trial. An incident-based lens can leave you endlessly trying to solve individual moments. A pattern-based lens allows you to finally see the system you are living inside. Write These Questions DownAs you listen, I want you to write these questions down and begin applying them to the interactions you have experienced:What is the function?What outcome is this producing?Why does this work?What about this is effective?How does this destabilize me?What is the sentence designed to do?What is the impact on me?How does this erode my clarity?These questions move you away from “What happened in this one argument?” and toward “What is this behavior accomplishing within the larger pattern?”That shift can change everything.Aimee Says Link: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/home?via=graceUse Code "GRACE" for a discount.Schedule a 1:1 with me here: https://linktr.ee/gracestuart01?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAcGRvZgJleHRuA2FlbQIxMQBzcnRjBmFwcF9pZA85MzY2MTk3NDMzOTI0NTkAAadSCqIThrr8DL-EI5lNwPKf4xpSvBk5gz2uryK-e1VOqEVdiXi2-vlkNuEVTw_aem_HJGz5_nmZ5wQrP2wQInssw

In this episode, I sit down with Wednesday to talk about how the nervous system can become attached to predictability—even when that predictability is harmful—and how an abuser can become both the poison and the antidote, the distress and the comfort.Wednesday shares how her ex used martial arts, clumsiness, and “accidents” to explain away physical trespasses—creating just enough "truth" to make her question what was actually happening.We also unpack:Why we sometimes wish our abuser would do something obvious enough to finally give us permission to leave.How early lack of commitment can look like the opposite of control, making us chase harder and overlook warning signs.“Why are you making me out to be the bad guy?” / “You think I’m some kind of monster?” / “Why do you always assume the worst of me?”How phrases like “You’re making an elephant out of a mosquito” turn legitimate concerns into evidence that we are the problem.Why physical abuse is so often accompanied by an explanation: “I didn’t slam the door on you—you didn’t move.” “I didn’t kick you—you walked into my foot.” “I wasn’t pushing you—I was trying to calm you down.”How an impending exit date can change an abuser’s behavior—less arguing, more emotional withdrawal, and a relationship that suddenly appears “peaceful,” making you question whether leaving is really necessary.Links & Codes:Aimee Says Code: Use code GRACE at checkout: https://www.aimeesays.com/en/plan/select"If He Hit Me I Would Leave" Poem: https://emmarosebyham.substack.com/p/if-he-hit-me-i-would-leave-himGuest's Instagram Page: https://www.instagram.com/wednesdaysamantha/

Ali shares the brutal reality of trying to leave an abusive relationship and how, after leaving and returning over and over again, she began to lose trust in her own ability to stay gone.In this episode, we talk about:Why repeated leaving and returning can create a deep distrust in yourself.How isolation can make you feel that talking to your family “too much” is strange or abnormal.How she began hiding the truth from friends and family in an attempt to reclaim autonomy over her own decisions.The mind game of believing, “If I can just be perfect enough, maybe we can get back to how things were in the beginning.”How abusers capitalize on partial truths and technicalities to shift blame and make you question your own reality.Why focusing on the technical details of an incident can make you completely miss the larger pattern of coercive control.And finally, what changed when Ali became ruthless about staying gone.Guest details are private for now, but listeners can DM me on @whyshestayedpodcast on Instagram if you would like to request to message Ali.

Everyone asks what happened the day Aubree’s husband shot her twice, murdered their nearly six-month-old son, Kymani, and then took his own life.But the deeper question is: What happened long before that day?In this episode of Why She Stayed, Aubree shares the story of the timespan leading up to the unimaginable tragedy that left her paralyzed and forever changed her life. While many people assume lethal domestic violence begins with physical abuse, Aubree’s story demonstrates something experts on coercive control have long understood: the pathway to extreme violence often begins with isolation, emotional abuse, and the gradual erosion of a person’s autonomy—not necessarily previous acts of physical assault.Aubree describes how her husband increasingly isolated her from the outside world, manipulated her decision-making through fear, and became consumed by conspiracy theories surrounding COVID-19. What initially appeared to be opinions or personal beliefs evolved into tools of control. His distrust of institutions, technology, and society became justification for limiting her independence, influencing where they lived, and keeping her increasingly disconnected from others.Throughout the conversation, we explore how paranoia, grandiose thinking, and fear-based narratives became mechanisms for coercive control, shaping nearly every aspect of their lives while making the abuse difficult to recognize for what it truly was.If you’ve ever wondered how relationships escalate to lethal violence without a history of physical assault, this conversation offers an important look at the patterns that too often go unseen.Aubree's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/reclaiming.aubree/Content Warning: This episode contains discussions of domestic violence, homicide, suicide, and the death of an infant. Listener discretion is advised.

I sit down with Lindsay Stoker creator of The Control Code to unpack the most misunderstood aspects of coercive control and psychological abuse.One of the most powerful shifts in understanding abuse is learning to stop asking, “Was this incident abusive?” and instead asking, “What was this behavior designed to accomplish?” We discuss why the function of abusive behavior matters far more than the form it takes.In this conversation, we cover:Why abusers don’t lose control—they deploy it.Why coercive control is built through a million tiny threads that eventually become a rope.How abusers intentionally use "low-cost" methods of control that leave no bruises but dramatically reshape your behavior.How abusers get you to control yourself.Why the phrase “He never hit me” can keep survivors from recognizing an abusive relationship.How looking at abuse one incident at a time prevents you from seeing the system of control operating underneath it.Why abuse is like a pig wearing different colors of lipstick—the tactics change, but the function remains the same.If you’ve ever questioned your own experience because there wasn’t one “big enough” event, this episode is for you.Guest Links and Resources:Lindsay's Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/the_control_code/Lindsay's TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@the_control_codeLindsay's SubStack: https://substack.com/@thecontrolcodeLindsay's Coercive Control Guides: https://linktr.ee/TheControlCode?utm_source=ig&utm_medium=social&utm_content=link_in_bio&fbclid=PAZXh0bgNhZW0CMTEAc3J0YwZhcHBfaWQPOTM2NjE5NzQzMzkyNDU5AAGnCAZZI0BG0_X3rb4H7PS00yhJ3cAaZlTXiZ4Fi2zTweMMAbCGRy79jdMi_aQ_aem_lzeUgb-UjxBaVXAmpyJlaATopics: coercive control, emotional abuse, psychological abuse, domestic violence, narcissistic abuse, abusive relationships, manipulation, trauma, survivor education, relationship red flags, coercive control patterns, Lindsay Stoker, The Control Code.