Share
We Need To Talk… with Dr. Darcy Sterling
Navigating Polyamory with Attachment Theory
Our early experiences with our caregivers creates a blueprint that influences how we trust, connect, and build relationships in adulthood. We call that blueprint our attachment style. And to keep it simple, that style will either be secure (ideally) or insecure (more likely).
If you suspect or know that you have an insecure attachment style, don’t lose hope—healing is possible. And it often happens through our adult relationships—when we choose partners who help us feel safe, who show up for us consistently, who speak the truth, and who navigate conflict in ways that make us feel seen rather than abandoned.
But what happens when your relationship model isn’t monogamy? Can you still find emotional security and healing in non-monogamous relationships? For those with a secure attachment style, non-monogamy may feel natural. But for individuals with an insecure attachment style or who have unresolved trauma, it can magnify challenges like jealousy, fear of abandonment, and emotional withdrawal.
Today, I’m joined by Jessica Fern, therapist and author of Polysecure, to explore the intersection of attachment, trauma, and non-monogamy. Jessica’s work offers hope and actionable tools for building emotional security—even in non-traditional relationship models.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
- How attachment styles profoundly impact our adult relationships.
- How insecure attachment styles differ from secure attachment styles in non-monogamous relationships.
- Practical strategies to foster emotional security, no matter your relationship structure.
Whether you’re monogamous, polyamorous, or exploring open relationships, this episode will provide valuable insights into how attachment and trauma shape our love lives—and how we can heal.
Xxoo Darcy
REFERENCES
Befriending Your Nervous System: Looking Through the Lens of Polyvagal Theory
Polyvagal Prompts: Finding Connection and Joy through Guided Explorations
Anchored: How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Non Monogamy by Jessica Fern
CREDITS
“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Preston Smith.
More episodes
View all episodes
50. The Passion Paradox in Long-Term Relationships with Dr. Emily Jamea
01:00:10||Season 1, Ep. 50There is nothing quite like the feeling you get when your new relationship becomes official. That shift from casual dating into knowing that you and your partner are truly becoming a committed team. You develop relationship rituals for when you see each other, and you’re beginning to create a framework for navigating life together. For so many people, it’s simultaneously grounding and intoxicating.But it’s almost inevitable that as relationship familiarity grows and partners become more secure with each other, that initial passion starts to wane.And it doesn’t just happen when a new sense of security takes the place of the honeymoon phase — it actually happens throughout the course of our relationship and our lives.It’s the paradox of long-term relationships: The qualities that help keep a partnership alive over years or even decades are often the exact opposite of what you need to maintain a fulfilling sex life.Dr. Emily Jamea, a sex therapist and author of Anatomy of Desire: 5 Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate Passion, joins us to discuss why sex and intimacy change in long-term love and what we can do to keep passion alive.In this episode, you’ll learn:What makes sex amazing in new relationships and how those qualities change in a long-term partnership.The surprising behaviors that couples do or don’t do that gradually erode desire.How couples can emerge from a sexless phase and reignite passion.I loved this conversation, and I think you will too!Xxoo DarcyREFERENCESMindful CareAnatomy of Desire: Five Secrets to Create Connection and Cultivate PassionCREDITS“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Preston Smith. DISCLAIMER#Dating #DatingTips #RelationshipGoals #DatingAdvice #Relationships #RelationshipPodcast #RelationshipPodcasts #RelationshipAdvice #RelationshipExperts #RealTalkRelationships #LoveLanguage #RelationshipIssues #RelationshipHelp #PodcastLove #WeNeedToTalkWithDrDarcy #Therapy #CouplesCounseling #CouplesTherapy #DrDarcySterling #DoctorDarcySterling #DrDarcy #LongTermRelationship #Intimacy #DrEmilyJameaInstagram:@drdarcysterling Facebook:Dr.Darcy SterlingTik Tok:@doctordarcysterling X:@DrDarcySterling YouTube:@DarcySterling Threads:@drdarcysterlingWatch this episode here on YouTube.49. Meet The Breakup Therapist: Ginger Dean
42:00||Season 1, Ep. 49I have often fantasized that there should be a place where you can go for a week to heal from the devastating loss of a breakup. A place where people are trained to understand what you’re going through and what you need, because let’s face it—most of us don’t know what we need in those moments. But what if someone did?Today’s guest is Ginger Dean, a therapist who specializes in breakup recovery and guides people through the healing process after a breakup. Her book, Loving Me After We, helps women rise above toxic relationships and step into a new chapter with strength and clarity.So, if you’re navigating a breakup—or if you just want to learn how to support your loved ones when they find themselves broken-hearted, this conversation is for you.In this episode, you’ll learn:What makes breakups so uniquely painful and difficult to navigate.Why people struggle so much with their identity after a breakup.Practical first steps for moving from heartbreak to building a new life after a breakup.AND… Ginger Dean shares the surprising ways we can show up for a loved one when they’re grieving the loss of a relationship.Xxoo DarcyREFERENCESMindful CareTo find out what your strongest values and principles are, click here. Loving Me After We: The Essential Guide to Healing, Growing, and Thriving After a Toxic Relationship#Dating #DatingTips #RelationshipGoals #DatingAdvice #Relationships #RelationshipPodcast #RelationshipPodcasts #RelationshipAdvice #RelationshipExperts #RealTalkRelationships #LoveLanguage #RelationshipIssues #RelationshipHelp #PodcastLove#WeNeedToTalkWithDrDarcy #Therapy #CouplesCounseling #CouplesTherapy #DrDarcySterling #DoctorDarcySterling #DrDarcy #RelationshipHealing #BreakupRecovery #EmotionalHealing #BreakupCoach #LettingGo #GingerDeanCREDITS“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Preston Smith. DISCLAIMERInstagram:@drdarcysterling Facebook:Dr.Darcy SterlingTik Tok:@doctordarcysterling X:@DrDarcySterling YouTube:@DarcySterling Threads:@drdarcysterlingWatch this episode here on YouTube.48. Millennial Dating with Lindsey Metselaar
46:31||Season 1, Ep. 48Dating in the digital age is a completely different game than it used to be. Swiping left and right, ghosting, breadcrumbing, and situationships have all become part of the millennial love landscape. But with so many choices, why does it feel like finding a meaningful connection has become even more difficult?Today I’m joined by Lindsey Metselaar, host of the podcast, “We Met At Acme,” where she covers millennial dating and relationships. Lindsey has her finger on the pulse of millennial dating trends, modern dating challenges, and of course our digital dating culture.I’m going to be asking her all the questions, including:Was dating actually easier before dating apps? Why do Millennials seem to struggle with defining their relationship status? What’s the real reason behind why Millennials are delaying marriage, homeownership, and parenthood?Xxoo DarcyREFERENCESMindful CareCREDITS“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Preston Smith. DISCLAIMER#Dating #DatingTips #RelationshipGoals #DatingAdvice #Relationships #RelationshipPodcast #RelationshipPodcasts #RelationshipAdvice#RelationshipExperts #RealTalkRelationships #LoveLanguage #RelationshipIssues #RelationshipHelp #PodcastLove#WeNeedToTalkWithDrDarcy #Therapy #CouplesCounseling #CouplesTherapy #DrDarcySterling #DoctorDarcySterling#DrDarcy #ModernRomance #ModernLove #MillennialLife #WeMetAtAcme #LindseyMetselaarInstagram:@drdarcysterling Facebook:Dr.Darcy SterlingTik Tok:@doctordarcysterling X:@DrDarcySterling YouTube:@DarcySterling Threads:@drdarcysterlingWatch this episode here on YouTube.47. Are We Ignoring the Role of Childhood Trauma in School Shootings?
20:00||Season 1, Ep. 47School shootings have become part of the national dialogue in America, with much of the focus on weapons and security measures. But today I want to shift the lens in this conversation to something that doesn’t get nearly enough attention: Childhood trauma, and how it connects to the mental health crisis underlying these violent acts.Today, we’re going to examine the long-term effects of childhood trauma and how it intersects with the kinds of violence we see in schools. What would it look like if we intervened earlier—if we could catch the signs of a kid who might be in trouble before it’s too late? Could doing that be part of our gun violence prevention strategy?In this episode, you’ll learn:Why childhood trauma leads to violent behavior as a teenager.The 7 warning signs that a student is in trouble that could lead to a school shooting. What specific actions schools and communities can take to prevent trauma from turning into violence.Xxoo DarcyREFERENCESMindfulCare Darcy's DissertationFinkelhor, D., Turner, H. A., & Shattuck, A. (2023). Adverse childhood experiences: Understanding and addressing trauma in children and families. Springer. FBI's "The School Shooter: A Threat Assessment Perspective" (2000):U.S. Department of Justice's "Indicators of School Crime and Safety" (2019):National Threat Assessment Center. (2019). Protecting America’s schools: A U.S. Secret Service analysis of targeted school violence. U.S. Secret Service, Department of Homeland Security. CREDITS“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Preston Smith. DISCLAIMERInstagram:@drdarcysterling Facebook:Dr.Darcy Sterling Tik Tok:@doctordarcysterling X:@DrDarcySterling YouTube:@DarcySterling Threads:@drdarcysterling Watch this episode here on YouTube.46. Porn, Partners, and Pleasure: Finding Balance in a Digital Age
57:38||Season 1, Ep. 46In a world where access to explicit content is just a click away, pornography has become a significant part of our sexual landscape. For some, it’s a tool for exploring curiosity. For others, the mere thought of their partner viewing porn crosses the line of infidelity. But no matter where you stand, there’s no denying that porn has the power to shape our understanding of sex, our desires, and how we relate to our partners.Today we’re diving into the psychological, emotional, and ethical dimensions of pornography’s influence on love, trust, and sexual satisfaction. We’re going to explore how porn shows up in our relationships and how we can talk about it openly, without fear or shame. In this episode, you’ll learn:How watching porn affects our romantic relationships. What happens when it becomes a point of contention—or a source of connection—between partners. How to bring up concerns about your partner’s porn use without triggering shame, discomfort, or defensiveness.Xxoo DarcyREFERENCESMindful CareSLAA - Sex and Love Addicts AnonymousCREDITS“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Preston Smith. DISCLAIMER#Dating #DatingTips #RelationshipGoals #DatingAdvice #Relationships #RelationshipPodcast #RelationshipPodcasts #RelationshipAdvice#RelationshipExperts #RealTalkRelationships #LoveLanguage #RelationshipIssues #RelationshipHelp #PodcastLove #WeNeedToTalkWithDrDarcy #Therapy #CouplesCounseling #CouplesTherapy #DrDarcySterling #DoctorDarcySterling #DrDarcy#Intimacy #IntimacyTip #IntimacyCoaching #EmotionalIntimacy #IntimacyMatters #LetsTalkAboutSex #LoveAndSex #PornInRelationships #PornographyInRelationships #SexualHealth #SexLife Instagram:@drdarcysterling Facebook:Dr.Darcy SterlingTik Tok:@doctordarcysterling X:@DrDarcySterling YouTube:@DarcySterling Threads:@drdarcysterlingWatch this episode here on YouTube.45. The Reality of Dating When You’re A Reality Star with Tiffany Pollard
51:38||Season 1, Ep. 45Tiffany Pollard is a woman whose name has become synonymous with reality TV Royalty. She burst onto our screens with a big personality and an even bigger heart on Flavor of Love and has since become an icon in the reality television world. I had the pleasure of working with her on Famously Single, where I taught her dating and relationship skills, but she’s also about to hit your screens in an exciting new show called House of Villains, premiering in October on E! Network.Today, I’m talking to her about how being a celebrity has impacted her personal life. I’m going to go behind the curtain to talk to the real person who is known professionally as both “HBIC” and “New York,” but to me, she’s just plain Tiff. Here’s what’s in this episode:All the deets on Tiffany Pollard’s dating life.How Tiffany stays grounded in her relationships when the world wants the ‘New York’ they see on TV.Tiffany’s biggest fear about marriage (it’s probably your biggest fear too). Xxoo DarcyREFERENCESMindful Carehttps://www.mindful.care/CREDITS“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Preston Smith. DISCLAIMER#TiffanyPollard #RealityTV #RealityTVnews #RealityTVshow #RealityTVStar #HouseOfVillains #FamouslySingle #HBIC #E! #E!Entertainment #Dating #DatingTips #RelationshipGoals #DatingAdvice #Relationships #RelationshipPodcast #RelationshipPodcasts #RelationshipAdvice#RelationshipExperts #RealTalkRelationships #LoveLanguage #RelationshipIssues #RelationshipHelp #PodcastLove #WeNeedToTalkWithDrDarcy #WeNeedToTalk #Therapy #CouplesCounseling #CouplesTherapy #DrDarcySterling #DoctorDarcySterling #DrDarcyInstagram:@drdarcysterling Facebook:Dr.Darcy SterlingTik Tok:@doctordarcysterling X:@DrDarcySterling YouTube:@DarcySterling Threads:@drdarcysterlingWatch this episode here on YouTube.44. Mental Health In Dance & Competitive Sports
01:04:28||Season 1, Ep. 44Being a therapist wasn’t my dream job. Being a dancer was. But I came to dance late — just before my 18th birthday — ancient by dance standards. Still, I was determined and auditioned to be a dance major in college. Dance training shaped me more as a person than as a dancer. Dance taught me discipline, perseverance, and the ability to tolerate failure. From the beginning, I knew I had to work twice as hard as everyone else because I started so late. The mental toughness I learned as a dance trainee is the reason for every success I’ve experienced in my life. But it wasn’t all good. The dance world can be dark, and I didn’t walk away unscathed. There’s a "tough love" mentality that gets passed down from one generation to the next, leaving many dancers with emotional scars.The relentless drive for perfection often leaves dancers dealing with anxiety, body image struggles, and levels of insecurity that can follow them for life.If this sounds familiar to you, it’s because dance shares many of the same pressures and psychological challenges as competitive sports. Today’s guest knows this all too well. Dr. Chelsea Pierotti is a former professional ballet dancer turned sports psychologist. She understands the emotional wounds that can come from both dance and sports and is here to talk about the mental health challenges in these high-pressure environments.In this episode, you’ll learn:The psychological toll that comes with competitive sports.The warning signs that a training environment is crossing into unhealthy territory.How athletes and dancers can build resilience without internalizing the message that they need to suffer for excellence. Xxoo DarcyCREDITS“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani and Preston Smith. DISCLAIMER#SportsPsychology #DancePsychology #DanceTherapy #PerformanceAnxiety #AthleteMentalHealth #SportsMentalHealth #DancerMentalHealth #CompetitiveSports#EmotionalResilience #SportsTherapy #EliteSports #EliteAthlete #MentalToughness#BodyImage #WeNeedToTalkWithDrDarcy #Therapy #CouplesCounseling #CouplesTherapy #DrDarcySterling #DoctorDarcySterling #DrDarcy #DrChelseaPierottiInstagram:@drdarcysterling Facebook:Dr.Darcy SterlingTik Tok:@doctordarcysterling X:@DrDarcySterling YouTube:@DarcySterling Threads:@drdarcysterlingWatch this episode here on YouTube.43. Staying Close When You’re Far Away: Managing Long Distance Relationships
31:06||Season 1, Ep. 43In an era defined by globalization and digital connection, long distance relationships have become increasingly common, but no less challenging. From managing loneliness and navigating intimacy, to the inevitable communication hurdles that come from having different time zones and schedules, long distance relationships make the usual relationship hurdles seem quaint. That said, LDR’s are 100% possible, and in this episode, you’ll learn:Why the way we communicate when we’re in close proximity DOES NOT WORK when you ARE long distance (and what to do instead). How to use new technology to bridge distance between you and your long distance partner (it’s not what you think). Creative ways of getting your sex on no matter how many miles are between you.AND… I debunk the most common myths about long distance relationships. Xxoo DarcyREFERENCEShttps://www.gottman.com/blog/the-magic-relationship-ratio-according-science/CREDITS“We Need To Talk With Dr. Darcy Sterling” is a Sterling Standard Production. Editing and sound engineering by Bart Migal. Our theme music is by Trending Music. Special thanks to Amanda Cristiani, Stephanie Sterling and Preston Smith. DISCLAIMER#Dating #DatingTips #RelationshipGoals #DatingAdvice #Relationships #RelationshipPodcast #RelationshipPodcasts #RelationshipAdvice #RelationshipExperts #RealTalkRelationships#LoveLanguage #RelationshipIssues #RelationshipHelp #PodcastLove #DrDarcySterling #WeNeedToTalkWithDrDarcy #Therapy #CouplesCounseling #CouplesTherapy #DrDarcySterling #DoctorDarcySterling #DrDarcy #LongDistanceLove #LDRGoals #MilesApartHeartsTogether#LoveKnowsNoDistance #LongDistanceRelationship #LDRCouple #DistanceMakesUsStronger #LDRLoveStory #TogetherApart #LDRSupport #LoveAcrossTheMiles #LDRStruggles #DistanceAndLove #FarButClose #LongDistanceLovers #DigitalLove #CloseInHeart #ConnectedByLove #BridgingTheDistance #LoveWithoutLimitsInstagram:@drdarcysterling Facebook:Dr.Darcy SterlingTik Tok:@doctordarcysterling X:@DrDarcySterling YouTube:@DarcySterling Threads:@drdarcysterlingWatch this episode here on YouTube.