Storytime

r TIFU Dropped a mug of peas in an empty office while I was an intern and they went under every single office door, thereby creating a massive security emergency and office-wide mystery that no one has cracked. I am playing a dangerous game. Bought a fridge that's physically impossible to get into my apartment, now I'm the building's unofficial hallway appliance dealer and my ego is in shambles. Tried to surprise my girlfriend with a relaxing night — ended up flooding the bathroom, burning the food, and nearly setting off the fire alarm. Thoughtful turned terrifying. Thought I saw my wife walking our dog. Shouted “I love you” from the car. It was her boss. Now I’m banned from pickup duty. TIFU by causing a sixth-grade field trip to have a traumatic bathroom experience TIFU by chugging street coffee like an idiot. TIFU by sending my coworker into an existential spiral with a dumb ChatGPT prompt list TIFU by burning chocolate chips in the microwave, and then clogging the toilet with the burnt mass of chocolate TIFU by getting WD-40 all over the concrete at work Took an edible. Accidentally ordered 500 chicken nuggets. Threw an impromptu block party. Doctor told me to take my pants off. I said “you too.” I want to die. Bought a realistic raccoon plush. My mom thought it was real. Cops got involved. My emotional support raccoon is now in custody.