Seth Forgets

I love to wander. But the word implies a lack of direction or plan. And that might be true but also it isn’t. Sometimes having no plan is the plan and getting lost is sometimes the only way to find our way.

Exploring the Queen Mary was like getting stuck in a Funhouse. But without the mirrors. I went to stay two nights at the Queen Mary for my birthday this year. I didn’t realize it was a floating hotel. It was so fun and so expensive. Everything there was in increments of $80. But. I had the best night sleep I’ve had in years. Something about the ocean breeze and the ghosts wandering the hallways comforted me. I went on a walk with my girlfriend. Every plan we made the Universe slapped down. But we yielded. We didn’t fight it. And we had the best time. Sometimes letting go is the best way to move forward.

Yesterday, I had a follow up to a physical with my doctor at Kaiser Permanente. My doctor got so mad at me. She said I was wasting her time and she was not here to chase down every ache and pain for me. She suggested in a very unkind way that I needed medicine for anxiety not for an illness. The way she handled it was wrong. I think she must have been having a bad day. But I also think she was right. Anxiety can express itself in physical form. The last few years have been overwhelmingly stressful for me. So many life changes. Career, relationship, all of it. But my take away isn’t anger at my doctor (although I will never let her treat me again). The lesson here is deal with your shit. Nothing ever truly goes away. You have to turn over the stones and find the hidden things to really heal yourself.

It's not what we do it's why we do it. And it goes further than that. When we do things because we love others, we often heal ourselves in the process.

If given the chance, what would you do if you could go back to the beginning with all the knowledge you have now?