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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
‘You wouldn’t last one day as a girl,’ Honor tells me
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Honor walks through the arrivals gate with a face as long as a wet weekend in Knock and I take it as read that the week in St Moritz was a bit of a let-down?
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The dude goes, ‘The famous Rosser, what?’ looking me over like I’m a buffet item gone cold
06:02|So – yeah, no – I’m in Dunnes Stores in, like, the Stephen’s Green Shopping Centre, grabbing a few bits for Sorcha, who’s making a special dinner tonight. I dump my items on the checkout belt and make a mental note to find out if it’s her birthday, or our wedding anniversary, when all of a sudden I hear an old woman’s voice go, “Mind if I just go ahead of you there, son?”‘You’re both loved and feared, Honor – and I’m so proud’
06:27|It would be an understatement to say that Honor was never the most popular girl growing up. As a matter of fact, on the very rare occasions when she was invited to a porty, Sorcha used to sew cubes of pancetta into the hem of her dress so that at least the family’s dog would play with her.‘Why do you want to go disinterring the past, Ross?’
06:09|The old man and Hennessy look a total state in their chef’s uniforms. Yeah, no, they’ve invited us all around to the old pair’s gaff for a New Year’s Eve dinner, a dry run – their words – for when the two of them supposedly buy and then reopen Shanahan’s on the Green.Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer
05:53|So I’m, like, standing out on the balcony and – yeah, no – I’m vaping like a crazy person and I’m going, “Remember, goys, your old dear is going to be under a lot of pressure today.”The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’
06:20|The old dear smiles and I end up having to look away. I’m there, “Can you at least put your teeth in?”‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’
05:50|Sorcha says she knows me. She knows me inside-out. But I tell her that the Rossmeister General still has one or two surprises in his locker.‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’
06:22|So – yeah, no – it’s that magical night of the year again when we all sit down as a family and write our letter to Santa Claus. We’ve the Bublé CD on and we’re all wearing our Christmas jumpers.Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’
06:13|Honor is in an absolute fouler when she gets into the cor.I’m there, “Tough day at school?”