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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matches
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The old man is on the phone, shouting at me in his usual all-caps voice.
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‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’
05:43I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?”Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip
05:54I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’
05:52I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’
05:45Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.I’m like, “Why would you even think that?”Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one
06:15I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day.She’s like, “What ... the ... fock?”Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’
06:15Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for?She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.”Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us
06:15“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it."irishtimes.com'I’ve got my top off, and Réaltín’s looking at me like my old man turning his nose up at cheap steak'
05:52So I’m shaking hands with Hugh and Marie Atcheson after our latest victory in the Leinster Padel Championships and the famous Réaltín – as in, like, my mixed doublesportner? – is just, like, glowering at me.‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly is not the victim. She is a highly intelligent young woman from a privileged background’
07:21Honor pretends to sneeze, but instead of ‘achoo!’ she goes ‘fock you!’ to the prosecution barrister