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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
‘Elf went missing and Sorcha’s old man went loop-the-focking-loop. He actually rang the Gords’
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Sorcha’s old dear has a scream on her like Wayne Bornes’s whistle. Sorcha’s old man is like, “What in the name of God?” and we all rush into the living room – we’re talking me, Sorcha and, like I said, her old man – to see her standing there with the famous Elf on the Shelf in her hand.
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‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’
06:03|Joy Felton – yeah, no, one of our neighbours – is standing at the front gates as I swing the cor into the driveway and she nearly ends up with the BMW logo imprinted backwards across her, I want to say, midriff?‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’
06:28|A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I’m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name. She’s like, “Ross!”‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’
06:37|So – yeah, no – I’m in the staffroom and I’m chatting to one or two teachers about the Leinster match against La Rochelle: Miss Casey, who teaches something-or-other, and Miss Nealon, who teaches, I don’t know, something else.‘There’s a Londis in Foxrock? I’d say my old dear is turning in her–’
05:50|I’m packing away the last of the Christmas bits and – yeah, no – I’m throwing out the Advent calendar that someone sent me obviously as a joke. It’s a Blackrock College Advent calendar – which is the same as a regular Advent calendar, except that your daddy opens all of the doors for you!‘We’re going to run up the Sugar Loaf carrying rocks. Work through the pain barrier!’
05:41|“Okay,” I go, “today we’re going to work on one or two moves from this sacred text,” and I show the players my famous Rugby Tactics Book.There are no gasps from the kids, even though there are a lot of rugby coaches out there who would kill to get their hands on it.Yeah, no, they all just roll their eyes, probably pissed off at being asked to train in Herbert Pork on New Year’s Day....irishtimes.comChristmas or no Christmas, I’m frankly disappointed by Sorcha’s lack of killer instinct
06:40|“Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo,” Sorcha goes – and not for the first time since we left Dublin. “Mee, meh, mah, moh, moo.” And I’m there, “Don’t worry – I’ll, em, let you know when that gets annoying.” She goes, “I’m doing my vocal exercises, Ross. This is a huge night for us.”The old man goes, ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t muster any enthusiasm for Christmas this year’
06:25|The old man says he doesn’t think he’ll bother with Christmas this year – “what with everything”. By which he means, what with it being the first one since the old dear – yeah, no – pegged it. Sorcha goes, “Oh my God, Chorles, Fionnuala was such a Christmas person. She’d want you to celebrate it.”‘We’re going to buy a sh**load of frozen turkeys - if there’s a shortage I can sell them for €500 each’
06:23|Sorcha is in her – literally? – element. She goes, “This is gorgeous, isn’t it?” This being the humungous Christmas morket in – believe it or not – Belfast. Honor’s there, “I still don’t understand what we’re even doing here?” And Sorcha’s like, “Honor, we may end up living in a united Ireland one day. And what do we know about our brothers and sisters from the North?” “They’re very angry,” Johnny goes.