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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’
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If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do it
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‘A threesome?’ Sorcha goes. ‘Why would you think I’d be into having a threesome?’
06:10|Sorcha asks if the beef is from a regenerative form and I end up having to look away. Seriously, you can’t bring her anywhere.‘Things have changed since you were at school, Sorcha,’ the old man goes. ‘We recognise that traditional media is our enemy now’
06:59|Hennessy, the old man and Honor are sitting around the island, looking as thick as thieves. Which is exactly what they are.The competition gets under way. The entrants are each told to remove a sock and put it in the pint glass in front of them
06:56|Driving through the gates of University College Dublin (UCD) brings back one or two memories. Not that I spent much time in the place when I did the Sports Man Dip course back in the day.‘Your father is a moral eunuch, Ross. Those aren’t my words. That was a main finding of the Mahon tribunal’
06:27|So we’re in Morton’s of Ranelagh, doing the big shop, when we run into Rebecca Leahy, the old dear of Honor’s classmate Diva Leahy. Actually, she and Sorcha both reach for the last punnet of kumquats in the shop and I watch Sorcha’s body shape change to fight mode until Rebecca goes, “Sorcha! How are you? Oh my God, look at you! You must weigh nothing!”The porty invitations were returned with the words, ‘Honor O’Carroll-Kelly? Are you focking kidding me?’
06:13|I‘ve always worried about Honor – from the time she emerged from her mother’s womb and gave a “fock you” look to the midwife who slapped her orse.A lot of things are storting to make sense, including the violin case Leo carries around with him like a Chicago gangster
06:34|Leo’s music teacher, Mrs Gordon, says that Leo has a genuine gift for music and I’m thinking that I need this like Ranelagh needs more launderettes with performance spaces.‘Our daughter is nothing like Donald Trump, Sorcha – aport from the tan and the vengefulness’
06:34|It’s, like, the first day back at school for Honor and she eats her muesli with the quiet, steely-eyed intensity of me doing my traditional 500 sit-ups on the first morning of the Six Nations Championship.Sorcha knows my game. She can read me like the instructions on an airplane vomit bag
06:11|It’s true what they say – travel really does broaden the mind. And even though I’ve never seen the point of having loads of knowledge in my head when pretty much everything is available on the internet, you can still end up learning things when you go abroad whether you like it or not.It’s a miracle Sorcha’s old man has never killed me, though he did buy me a plot in Shanganagh Cemetery for my 40th
06:14|Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever done to her. It’s not even in the top 10. But I don’t think it’s going to help my case if I stort running through some of my greatest hits.