Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

I think I’m on the record somewhere as saying that I’d prefer to be remembered as a great father than a great number ten. It’s total horseshit, of course. I’d much prefer if people talked about my abilities with a rugby ball after I’m gone. But being a brilliant, brilliant parent is sort of, like, my superpower? As in, I’ve no actual control over it. And I don’t know why I’ve been given it. It’s just a fact that I have to accept.

So – yeah, no – I’m in the cor with the boys, driving home from The Bridge 1859 after watching The Ster make shit of Clermont Auvergne, when the usual rugby singsong storts up.

Ronan is smoking one of his famous rollies in the doorway of the Museum of the Irish Gangster when he sees me coming. “Rosser!” he goes. “The fook are you doing on Capel Street dressed like that? Did you take a wrong turden cubbing ourra Chapter One again?”

It’s every parent’s worst nightmare. Sorcha goes, “You’re being ridiculous, Ross.” I’m there, “Oh, I’m being ridiculous, am I? My son gives up rugby to play the port of Sam Cormichael in Mamma Mia! and I’m the one being ridiculous!”

I’m like, “Westlife?” And I say it like that as well. I’m there, “Why are you going to see Westlife? You always said–” Honor goes, “No, I didn’t. I actually like Westlife?” and she’s telling me to – yeah, no – shut the fock up with her eyes.

The old man tells Hennessy that he has every faith in him. Hennessy’s like, “Wait a minute, what?” Yeah, no, we’re sitting in the District Court in Bray, waiting for Bernie’s case to be called.

“So, anyway, I tee’d off,” the old man goes, loving the sound of his own voice, “and of course I managed to slice the bloody-well ball and, well, naturally enough, it ended up in the lake!”

JP looks well – even though I don’t know what to call him any more? I’m like, “So how are things – I don’t know – Father?” He actually laughs at that? He’s there, “Ross, you don’t have to call me Father.” I’m like, “What do I call you then?” because it’s my first time seeing the dude since he finished his studies to become an actual priest.