Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

Saturday, November 13, 2021

‘I lead the boys at gunpoint up the Shelbourne Road’

It’s a big day for Johnny Sexton. And it’s a big day for me as well. I’m – yeah know – bringing the boys to see the great man win his 100th cap against Japan at the Aviva, and I decide to swing into Christian’s gaff on the way there just to use the old Josh Ritter.

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Friday, June 2, 2023

‘I want to have – oh my God – everything done?’ Honor goes. ‘My chin, my nose, my forehead, my lips’

Honor has been walking around under a bit of a cloud ever since a dude by the name of Jonah – Wesley College, before you ask – friend-zoned her.

Friday, May 26, 2023

‘What does Patrick Kielty have that I don’t?’ asks the old dear

There’s no mystery as to why they chose Kielty for the Late Late. He’s not 76 years old. His bodily organs didn’t come from a black morket doctor in Bogotá

Saturday, May 20, 2023

The old man is a focking embarrassment at rugby matches

The old man is on the phone, shouting at me in his usual all-caps voice.

Friday, May 12, 2023

The two of them are staring at me like this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. It’s not even in the top 10

So we’re at a dinner in the famous Rochestown Lodge in – let’s be honest here – Sallynoggin, to raise money for the Seapoint Rugby Club U-8s Trip to Biarritz: Leave No Child Behind.

Friday, May 5, 2023

Honor says Joshua just wants to be friends. Better than nothing I say, but I hate lying to the girl

Honor goes, ‘It’s because I’m not good-looking.’ I’m there, ‘Looks aren’t important, Honor,’ and I’ve no idea where I’m pulling these lines from.

Friday, April 28, 2023

I’m the father of a 15-year-old girl. I think, by this stage, I’ve earned the right to embarrass her?

He’s, like, standing right in front of the gaff, staring at his phone. I throw open the front door and I’m like, “Whatever you’re selling, fock off before I call the Feds,” which would be pretty much por for the course in these ports?

Friday, April 21, 2023

‘I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s’

People talk about polyamory like it’s a new thing. I’ve been polyamorous since the late 1990s. It’s just that I’ve never told my wife.

Friday, April 14, 2023

Here we are on the roof of the house, vaping away to our horts’ content

I know they say it’s not good for your health but my relationship with Honor has never been better

Tuesday, April 11, 2023

The old dear arrives at the door, smelling like a distillery tour, asking to see her granddaughters

She has so much filler in her face that she looks like she’s had herself embalmed to save us the trouble when she finally pops it.