Hennessy pulls out the big guns to help settle a case of caravan arson

Hennessy pulls out the big guns to help settle a case of caravan arson From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, read by Paul Howard. irishtimes.com

‘He has a dreamcatcher tattoo on the back of his wrist. It’s like he does these things deliberately to make me hate him’

What, he’s graduating? God, it only seems like five years ago that he was born

Sorcha asks me if I’m ready and I tell her – yeah, no – I think so? I’ve got my Rugby Tactics Book on the coffee table, twenty-four sticks of Heinemite in the fridge and I’ve aired out my Cantos with the loose elastic in which I do all of my best thinking.

Noah is graduating from creche. (Who the fock is Noah?)

Honor serves to get the match under way and loses the first point. Then she double-faults on her next serve

“Daddy long-legs,” Leo goes, pointing at quite literally nothing. “It’s a focking daddy long-legs.” I’m like, “For the fifteenth time, Leo, it’s not a daddy long-legs. It’s a crack in your glasses from when Johnny hit you across the face with the griddle pan.”

Sometimes you have to break the Mount Anville code

Ross O’Carroll-Kelly’s father shows up at Castlerock College with a crane and wrecking ball

“Ross,” Fionn tries to go, “you can’t keep turning up at the school like this.”And I’m like, “Who says so?” sitting down opposite him and throwing the old Dubey Dubey Doos up on his desk.

‘You didn’t think I was going to sit back and watch you allow girls into this school, did you?’

Honor is playing Corina Brien at the Glenageary Lawn Tennis Club, and has done a deep dive of her social media to find her weakness

“Oh my God, that’s her!” Honor goes.&nbsp;Her being Corina Brien, her opponent in the first round of the Joshua Pim Shield in Glenageary Lawn Tennis Club.

‘I love Honor’s attitude. Not everyone does, but I’d be a major, major fan’

‘I thought there’d be a bigger fuss about it on the Vico Road Residents’ Association WhatsApp. I mean, we ordered a skip, Ross’

Sorcha has ordered a skip. Yeah, no, that might not be big news where you live – but on Vico Road, Killiney, it’s, like, massive? Because it’s evidence that you’re up to something. And around here, there’s very little that escapes the attention of the local residents’ association, especially with their hourly drone flyovers looking for evidence of illegal building activity in the area.

Sorcha is still serious about knocking gaff and turning it into aportments

Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for the Leinster game. Who will it be?

So I’ve brought Brian, Johnny and Leo to Morseille – yeah, no, the one in France – for their very first European Cup final. It’s, like, 24 hours before kick-off – or kick-orse, as I call it – and the excitement is already storting to build? https://www.irishtimes.com/podcasts/ross-ocarroll-kelly/

"Three triplets and only one can be a mascot for Leinster. Who will it be?"

Seeking revenge against the Vico Road Residents Association, Sorcha asks her orchitacht friend to help 

There’s a familiar face in the kitchen, although I’m struggling to put a name to it. “Ross,” Sorcha goes, “you remember Foraoise Farrell, don’t you? Holy Child Killiney?”And that’s when the penny suddenly drops. Yeah, no, I was in UCD with her brother, Conor. We did the old Sportsman Dip course together – although the only sport we actually played, if I’m being honest, was pool while pissed.

‘We want to build a block of aportments... affordable ones’ 

The Vico Road Residents’ Association are up in arms over a council decision to allow new homes to be built 

“What do you think?” Sorcha goes. Yeah, no, she’s trying to choose an outfit for the annual Vico Road and Vico Road-Adjacent Residents’ Association stort-of-summer borbecue and she’s been at it since nine o’clock this morning.

‘There are millions of people who would give their right orm to live in Killiney’ 

As Castlerock prepares to go co-ed, Ross and his dad pay a visit to the principal 

So it’s, like, Day Whatever-it-is and my period of isolation is finally over. I’m about to ring the goys to see if anyone fancies hitting The Bridge for a few bank holiday scoops when all of a sudden my phone rings and it ends up being dick features himself.

Women’s toilets? I mean, what’s next? A hockey pitch?

The weekly Ross o&apos;Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

The weekly Ross o'Carroll-Kelly column in audio, read by Paul Howard.

Ross O'Carroll-Kelly

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‘He has a dreamcatcher tattoo on the back of his wrist. It’s like he does these things deliberately to make me hate him’

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Sometimes you have to break the Mount Anville code

‘You didn’t think I was going to sit back and watch you allow girls into this school, did you?’

‘I love Honor’s attitude. Not everyone does, but I’d be a major, major fan’