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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
‘He has a dreamcatcher tattoo on the back of his wrist. It’s like he does these things deliberately to make me hate him’
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Hennessy pulls out the big guns to help settle a case of caravan arson
From The Irish Times, this is Ross O'Carroll-Kelly's weekly audio column, read by Paul Howard.
irishtimes.com
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‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’
06:17I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming.‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’
06:02Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana.‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’
06:23Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third.‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’
05:43I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?”Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip
05:54I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’
05:52I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’
05:45Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.I’m like, “Why would you even think that?”Honor rubs at the graffiti with a dainty, circular motion, like she’s applying foundation to the face of an elderly loved one
06:15I haven’t seen Honor look this angry since the time she spear-tackled a woman who tried to cheat her out of first place in the sack race at the Castle Pork Dalkey Open Sports Day.She’s like, “What ... the ... fock?”Sorcha goes, ‘I don’t need a 26-old copy of Cosmopolitan to tell me that I married the wrong man’
06:15Sorcha says she’s sorry and I’m there, “Hey, it’s cool,” even though I’ve no idea what she’s even apologising for?She goes, “Oh my God, I was such an idiot.”