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Make Your Damn Bed
1204 || learning to dance with the chaos
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There’s something freeing about realizing it’s time to let go.
Life’s cycles sometimes match with my own, and things feel serendipitous and “meant to be” but more often than not, life cycles move faster than my own + I’m forced to play catch up on changes and news that I wasn’t just unprepared for, but in denial about. But things do happen. Life surprises you. And no matter how much you resist that reality, it doesn’t change it. I think life is a little bit fate and a little bit chaos. Like an improvised dance. Some steps may surprise you and others may feel like second nature, once you learn to stop resisting the unpredictability of it.
Because the steps are not meant to become more predictable to us, we’re just supposed to get better at flowing with it. Of learning as we go. Of learning how to let go when there is a mis-step and to have faith that the dancing will get more fun and beautiful as we continue.
But just because we stop cold in the middle of the dance, doesn’t mean the dancing stops. You can take a break, get a water, and become a wallflower if you want, but the real power comes from stepping back into the chaos and embracing the next moves with as much enthusiasm and joy as possible.
Because even if you choose to “hate dancing” and “sit this one out” life will eventually sweep you off your feet, and it’ll feel a lot more comfortable and enjoyable if you know how to confidently take a step or two for yourself, once in a while.
Learning a new way to dance in a new environment is not just possible, it can actually be enjoyable if I stop worrying about what I look like, or what the song was supposed to sound like, and instead I focus on finding my own rhythm within the flow that’s currently taking place.
I think I’ve spent a long time waiting for a more familiar song to play, so I can dance with confidence, but the longer I wait, the more resistant I get. If I can learn to jump in and “figure it out”, then the unfamiliar becomes familiar and the newness I feared is no longer new, and the resistance loses its power.
It feels counterintuitive, but sometimes the thing you’re resisting is the resistance itself. Once you stand up and listen to the music that’s playing, you may find yourself actually enjoying the process of finding your place within it.
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1223 || how to reason with the unreasonable
11:09|How do we reason with someone who is experiencing cognitive dissonance? For example: I know people who claim to believe in free speech but also support banning pronoun usage, race discussion, and even certain books in schools. How do we rectify the dissonance they've created to support two contradictory ideas?Unfortunately we can't change other people, but we can help them towards the path of changing themselves. With gentle, genuine questions, we can help them to reflect on where the disconnect lies. Timing and tone are essential pieces to this puzzle, but like with most things, we can get better at it with practice + patience. RESOURCE: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/326738#summaryANOTHER RESOURCE: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_dissonanceA HEAVIER RESOURCE: https://dornsife.usc.edu/wendy-wood/wp-content/uploads/sites/183/2023/10/Matz.Wood_.2005_Cognitive_dissonance_in_groups.pdfDONATE:www.pcrf.netGet Involved:Operation Olive Branch: Spreadsheets + LinksGET AN OCCASIONAL PERSONAL EMAIL FROM ME: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcastOR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcastOR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.1222 || active in love + happiness
10:25|love is an active process that involves engagement, gratitude, and practice. RESOURCE: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2008-15454-002RESOURCE: https://www.apa.org/topics/marriage-relationships/brain-on-loveRESOURCE: https://hms.harvard.edu/news-events/publications-archive/brain/love-brainDONATE:www.pcrf.netGet Involved:Operation Olive Branch: Spreadsheets + LinksGET AN OCCASIONAL PERSONAL EMAIL FROM ME: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcastOR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcastOR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.1221 || reasoning with the unreasonable
10:18|When we focus on curiosity, respect, and genuine understanding, we're more likely to bridge gaps with people we disagree with, but this takes practice. This means there is no room for contempt, defensiveness, criticism, and stonewalling, but that's easier said than done. RESOURCES: https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/https://www.gottman.com/blog/why-turning-against-your-partners-bids-is-so-harmful/DONATE:www.pcrf.netGet Involved:Operation Olive Branch: Spreadsheets + LinksGET AN OCCASIONAL PERSONAL EMAIL FROM ME: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcastOR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcastOR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.1220 || love is so scary
09:56|When we open ourselves up to love, we open ourselves up to pain and loss, but the loss of the love is what we will grieve, so we shouldn't resist that vulnerability. Embracing love's impermanence will deepen our experience with it. “love is not permanently gifted, it is loaned.” - James Sexton “Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” - Rumi Avoiding Avoidance (Healthline Article) https://www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/pushing-people-away#how-to-stopJames Sexton on Diary of a CEO: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-MGyiqVjdKIThich Nhat Hanh's Hugging Meditation: https://www.themarginalian.org/2015/05/04/thich-nhat-hanh-hugging-meditation/CS Lewis Quote: https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/14816053-the-four-lovesDONATE:www.pcrf.netGet Involved:Operation Olive Branch: Spreadsheets + LinksGET AN OCCASIONAL PERSONAL EMAIL FROM ME: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcastOR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcastOR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.1219 || the social withdrawal cycle
10:19|There is a feedback loop that seems to happen whenever I’m spending more time alone. I notice that my need for connection seems to dissipate as my anger towards humanity inflates. Psychologists have noted this through various research and confirmed that “lonely individuals tend to think more negatively of others and see them as less trustworthy.”If the feeling of loneliness really worked as it should, it would prompt prosocial behaviors that fulfill our need for belonging. It’s like a craving. Our bodies are craving social connection, so we should then seek it out to rectify that craving. But unfortunately, that’s not always the case. Especially for me. Basically, when you feel lonely, you probably also feel more depressed, which means you’re not feeling like your most “you, you”. And because you feel a bit unpleasant, it can exacerbate these issues. Scientists have long studied the correlation between depression symptoms and loneliness, but there seems to be less focus on the cyclical nature of these implications. The study I’ve been referring to did its best to track the associations between these feelings of loneliness and prosocial behaviors. Apparently this means the results from this study came with two distinct findings: Loneliness often comes with:An increase in motivation to support others, but a poorer interpretation or execration of that social contact.That idea that we want + seek out connections but feel an absence of soothing and support still, is the part that tends to push us further in the cycle of loneliness and despair. I thought it was interesting though, that it wasn’t just relationships with others we tend to be more negative about, when we’re lonely. According to the study, we also tend to evaluate ourselves more negatively as well. This lower sense of self confidence means that the odds are stacked against us. We feel lonely, so we feel more insecure, AND we feel more hesitant to let others in, which causes a validation of those negative biases. THE RESOURCE: https://www.nature.com/articles/s41598-020-75712-3 DONATE:www.pcrf.netGet Involved:Operation Olive Branch: Spreadsheets + LinksGET AN OCCASIONAL PERSONAL EMAIL FROM ME: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcastOR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcastOR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.1218 || loneliness is bigger than we thought
09:42|Studies show intrinsic goals make us much happier than extrinsic ones, but society tells us to focus our time on the material stuff. Why do we think that is? RESOURCE: https://www.theatlantic.com/podcasts/archive/2021/10/howto-friendship-loneliness-arthurbrooks-vivekmurthy-happiness/620281/DONATE:www.pcrf.netGet Involved:Operation Olive Branch: Spreadsheets + LinksGET AN OCCASIONAL PERSONAL EMAIL FROM ME: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcastOR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcastOR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.1217 || i'm lonely (and it isn't really my fault)
10:46|I'm on my way out the door of my apartment and it's starting to hit me just how isolated I've become. A lot of it is self inflicted: ignoring phone calls and texts, neglecting plans, or foregoing the follow up. That said, I still can't take all the credit. A majority of my feelings of isolation are systemic: it's expensive outside, I'm exhausted all the time, and I don't feel that connected to my neighbors (who don't always see eye-to-eye with me). So, let's talk about it and see if we can start a more "upward cycle" towards connectedness rather than isolation. RESOURCES: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2023/08/hillary-clinton-essay-loneliness-epidemic/674921/DONATE:www.pcrf.netGet Involved:Operation Olive Branch: Spreadsheets + LinksGET AN OCCASIONAL PERSONAL EMAIL FROM ME: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcastOR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcastOR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.1216 || Nietzsche was onto something here
09:27|“Nobody can build the bridge for you to walk across the river of life, no one but you yourself alone. There are, to be sure, countless paths and bridges and demi-gods which would carry you across this river, but only at the cost of yourself; you would pawn yourself and lose. There is in the world only one way, on which nobody can go, except you: where does it lead? Do not ask, go along with it.” — NietzscheTHE RESOURCE: https://medium.com/personal-growth/5-controversial-truths-by-nietzsche-that-changed-my-life-e8eb712a52c8DONATE:www.pcrf.netGet Involved:Operation Olive Branch: Spreadsheets + LinksGET AN OCCASIONAL PERSONAL EMAIL FROM ME: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcastOR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcastOR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.1215 || a little rant (about stoics)
09:13|Here is a little rant about people who co-opt beautiful theories + ideas and twist them in order to justify behaviors that are actually counter to its core principles. It's infuriating, but it makes sense... Let's dig into why this happens and what we can learn from the teachings, to stop it. RESOURCES: WIKI:https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stoicism#:~:text=Stoicism%20teaches%20the%20development%20of,the%20universal%20reason%20(logos).LANUSSE ON THE PARADOX: https://rickylanusse.medium.com/the-stoic-paradox-can-we-achieve-happiness-without-enjoyment-2e5f3da5233fREDDIT WITH CRITIQUES: https://www.reddit.com/r/askphilosophy/comments/srj643/are_there_credible_criticisms_against_stoicism/GREAT ARTICLE ON THE CRITIQUES: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-three-minute-therapist/202301/a-critique-of-stoicismDONATE: www.pcrf.netGet Involved:Operation Olive Branch: Spreadsheets + LinksGET AN OCCASIONAL PERSONAL EMAIL FROM ME: www.makeyourdamnbedpodcast.comTUNE IN ON INSTAGRAM FOR COOL CONTENT: www.instagram.com/mydbpodcastOR BE A REAL GEM + TUNE IN ON PATREON: www.patreon.com/MYDBpodcastOR WATCH ON YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/juliemerica The opinions expressed by Julie Merica and Make Your Damn Bed Podcast are intended for entertainment purposes only. Make Your Damn Bed podcast is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment.