How To Have Sex

BDSM. Two seconds after hearing that word, most people picture whips, chains, leather, and some kind of expensive basement situation. (Just me? Okay, just me.)This week, certified somatic sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes breaks down what BDSM actually is — and spoiler: it's a much wider, far less terrifying spectrum than you think.We cover:What BDSM really means (and what it definitely doesn't have to mean)Why so many people are secretly curious about power play, restraint, and dominance, and feel weirdly ashamed about itThe psychology behind dominant people wanting to submit, and vice versaHow to go from "we've vaguely thought about this" to actually trying it, without a cringe disasterThe beginner's menu: easy, low-stakes things to explore firstConsent conversations that don't feel like a workplace health and safety briefingSafewords, aftercare, and the mistakes people make, copying what they've seen onlineAnd this week's Pleasure Practice to try at homeWhether you're deeply curious, mildly intrigued, or just here to find out what all the fuss is about, this one's for you.Don't start with a whip and a prayer. Start here. How to Have Sex is a shame-free sex education podcast hosted by broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney and certified sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes. Every episode is designed to educate, inform, and start the conversations that most of us were never taught to have.This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets.Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide…Pleasure Delivered.SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcastFACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcastYOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@HowtohavesexpodcastEMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.comSupport the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesexHow To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nzHOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media PersonalityInstagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeneyMelissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coachwww.melissavranjes.comInstagram: @melissavranjesReady to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school

Asking for what you want in bed might be the scariest thing you never do. Scarier than being naked. Scarier than asking for a pay rise. And for a lot of us, we'd rather go along with it, fake it, or hope they read our minds.In this episode, sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes and broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney get into the real reason we go quiet in the bedroom, and what to do about it.You'll learn:Why communication in bed is actually a courage problem, not a confidence problemThe worst time (and best time) to bring up a new requestHow to frame what you want so it sounds like a connection, not a complaintWhat to do when your partner shuts downScripts and examples you can actually useWhether you've been together forever or you're still in the honeymoon phase, this episode will help you stop hinting and start asking.Pleasure Practice: Build some courage. Pull the courage you already use outside the bedroom, and bring it in.How to Have Sex is a shame-free sex education podcast hosted by broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney and certified sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes. Every episode is designed to educate, inform, and start the conversations that most of us were never taught to have. This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets. Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide… Pleasure Delivered. SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast EMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com Support the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex How To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nz HOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media Personality Instagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeney Melissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach www.melissavranjes.com Instagram: @melissavranjes Ready to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school

Did you know your solo sex life is literally the foundation of your partnered sex life?In this episode, Jay-Jay finally figures out why this topic makes her want to crawl under the duvet and never come out, and it's more relatable than you'd think.Certified somatic sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes breaks down everything women were never taught about self-pleasure: where the shame actually comes from, why we were never given this education, and how exploring your own body is one of the most powerful things you can do for your sex life, with or without a partner.We cover:Why female self-pleasure has been stigmatised for centuries (and male pleasure hasn't)How self-pleasure builds body literacy and improves partnered sexWhy rushing is the biggest mistake most people makeHow to diversify your pleasure and avoid being wired to only one pathwayWhether you can get "addicted" to your vibrator (yes, really)Masturbating in front of your partner - hot or not?How to handle mismatched libidos without guilt or obligation sexJay-Jay has an unexpected breakthrough on camera that stopped us bothPlus Mel's pleasure practice for the week, and Jay-Jay's very honest response to it.Next episode: How to Get Your Needs Met in Bed (Without Turning It Into a Performance Review).How to Have Sex is a shame-free sex education podcast hosted by broadcaster Jay-Jay Feeney and certified sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes. Every episode is designed to educate, inform, and start the conversations that most of us were never taught to have.This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets.Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide…Pleasure Delivered.SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.comINSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcastFACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcastYOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@HowtohavesexpodcastEMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.comSupport the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesexHow To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nzHOSTS:Jay-Jay Feeney – Media PersonalityInstagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeneyMelissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coachwww.melissavranjes.comInstagram: @melissavranjesJoin Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school

Anal play. Butt stuff. The backdoor. Whatever you call it, more people are curious than will ever admit it. So this week, Jay-Jay and Mel are going there. Literally.Certified sex and relationship coach Melissa Vranjes joins a very nervous, very clenching Jay-Jay Feeney to unpack everything about anal and butt play, for all bodies and all genders. From the biology, to the beginner steps, to the stuff nobody talks about.In this episode:Why butt play is so taboo (and why that's changing)The male G-spot (yes, the prostate) and why most men have no idea what they're missingHow women can experience orgasms from anal stimulationThe difference between external and penetrative play (you do NOT have to go all in to enjoy it)Mel's three beginner techniques: The Doorbell, The Credit Card, and CirclesHow to prepare properly, and why porn has got it dangerously wrongThe importance of lube, going slow, and communicationWhat NOT to do (don't cross-contaminate, don't use spit, and absolutely never surprise someone mid-sex)How to bring it up with a partner without making it weirdRecovering from a bad experienceThis week's Pleasure Practice (JJ's reaction is priceless)Curious but nervous? That's exactly who this episode is for.This episode is sponsored by Wild Secrets. NZ's premium pleasure destination. Use code HAVESEX for 20% off. Pleasure delivered. wildsecrets.co.nz SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast EMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com Support the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex How To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nz HOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media Personality Instagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeney Melissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach www.melissavranjes.com Instagram: @melissavranjes Ready to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school Want more from Mel? She writes a weekly sex column for Woman's Day magazine. Pick up the latest issue to read it.

Earth-shattering. It sounds ambitious, but Mel reckons it's not only possible, it's absolutely learnable. And it has nothing to do with performing, faking it, or wondering if you're taking too long.This week Jay-Jay and Mel go deep on orgasms; what they actually are, why they feel different depending on where they happen in your body, and why so many of us have been getting in our own way this whole time.In this episode:The difference between a clitoral, G-spot, A-spot, cervical and full-body orgasmWhy only 18-22% of women can orgasm from penetration alone, and what that means for everyoneWhy your body shuts down at the worst possible moment (and how to stop it)The oven vs gas hob arousal gap between men and womenHow to get out of your head and back into your bodyWhy slowing down is genuinely the fastest route to a bigger orgasmThe somatic tools Mel uses with her clients: breath, movement, placement of awarenessWhy crying after sex is a thing (and it's not weird)How to create new orgasmic pathways in your body, including cervical orgasmsMel's tip: check out https://www.beautifulcervix.com/see-your-own-beautiful-cervix/ if you want to actually see your own cervix (yes, really)This week's Pleasure Practice: Forget about the orgasm. Just touch your body for pleasure. In the shower, on the couch, wherever. Use breath, awareness and a little movement to build sensation. The orgasms will follow.This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets.Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide…Pleasure Delivered.SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.comINSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcastFACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcastYOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@HowtohavesexpodcastEMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.comSupport the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesexHow To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nzHOSTS:Jay-Jay Feeney – Media PersonalityInstagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeneyMelissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coachwww.melissavranjes.comInstagram: @melissavranjesJoin Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school Want more from Mel? She writes a weekly sex column for Woman's Day magazine.Pick up the latest issue to read it.

This might be our most hilarious episode yet.In this episode of How To Have Sex, Jay-Jay Feeney and sex & relationship coach Melissa Vranjes set out to talk about erotic activities, erotic energy, and how to bring more play, anticipation and aliveness into your sex life… and somewhere along the way, things descend into absolute chaos. There are tears. There is wheezing. There is a completely unhinged detour into animal play that nearly takes both hosts out.But underneath the laughter, there’s actually a really juicy conversation here. Mel explains that the erotic isn’t just about sex toys, lingerie, or trying to become some mysterious version of yourself. It’s about vitality, curiosity, self-expression, play, and creating moments that feel alive, exciting and connected.Together, JJ and Mel unpack how to break out of routine, why anticipation matters so much, and how to start exploring erotic activities in ways that feel fun rather than intimidating. This episode is full of ideas you can actually try, whether you’re a total beginner or ready to step a little further outside the box.In this episode:what the erotic actually meanswhy routine can flatten desirehow to bring more play and curiosity into your sex lifebeginner-friendly erotic activitiesmore adventurous ideas for couples who want to mix things upwhy sex does not have to be perfect or serious to be hotand why laughing together might be one of the sexiest things of allYou’ll hear ideas like:showering together with low lightspleasure mapping each other’s bodiessensory play with touch, temperature and massage oilreading erotica to each otherfeeding each other slowly and teasinglyerotic massageundressing each other with intentionand yes… the now-infamous animal play conversation that sends everyone off the rails.Pleasure Practice: choose an inside-the-box or outside-the-box erotic activity and give it a go.Next episode: How to Have Earth-Shattering Orgasms. This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets.Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide…Pleasure Delivered.SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcastFACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcastYOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@HowtohavesexpodcastEMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.comSupport the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesexHow To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nzHOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media PersonalityInstagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeneyMelissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coachwww.melissavranjes.comInstagram: @melissavranjesReady to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school Want more from Mel? She writes a weekly sex column for Woman's Day magazine.Pick up the latest issue to read it.

Pregnancy can change everything.. your body, your hormones, your relationship to pleasure, and the way you feel about s*x. In this deeply personal episode of How To Have S*x, Mel opens up about her first pregnancy, when she lost her libido at 15 weeks, stopped wanting s*x, and even lost the ability to have the internal org*sms she once loved. Jay-Jay and Mel talk honestly about what happens when s*x changes during pregnancy, how scary it can feel when desire disappears, and the panic that can come with wondering whether your s*xuality will ever come back. Mel shares how different her second pregnancy has been, why her first experience felt so confronting, and what helped her and her partner stay intimately connected even when penetrative s*x was off the table for months. This episode is for anyone who has ever felt confused, shut down, touched out, disconnected from their body, or scared that a low libido season means something is wrong. It’s also a powerful listen for partners who want to understand how to stay close, supportive, and connected without adding pressure. In this episode, we cover:what low libido in pregnancy can actually feel like the difference between “I don’t want s*x” and “I don’t feel s*xual at all” how pregnancy affected Mel’s org*sms and body confidence how to talk about the elephant in the room with your partner how to stay intimately connected without penetrative s*x returning to s*x postpartum slowly, gently, and without pressure why self-touch can help before having penetrative s*x again pelvic floor physio, healing, and what’s actually normal after birth why you are allowed to be in a season why different doesn’t mean broken Mel also shares one of the most reassuring messages of the episode: you do not need to “bounce back.” Your body has changed, your life has changed, and your s*xuality may change too, but that does not mean it is gone forever. Next episode: how to bring the erotic back into your s*x life.This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets.Shop online at www.wildsecrets.co.nz & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide…Pleasure Delivered. SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcast FACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcast YOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@Howtohavesexpodcast EMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.com Support the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesex How To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nz HOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media Personality Instagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZ Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeney Melissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coach www.melissavranjes.com Instagram: @melissavranjes Ready to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school Want more from Mel? She writes a weekly sex column for Woman's Day magazine. Pick up the latest issue to read it.

Dirty talk makes Jay-Jay want to crawl under the bed and disappear… so naturally, that’s exactly what this episode is about.In this episode of How To Have Sex, Jay-Jay Feeney and sex & relationship coach Melissa Vranjes tackle one of the most cringe-inducing parts of intimacy: saying sexy things out loud without dissolving into laughter. If the thought of dirty talk makes you want to do your tax return instead, this episode is definitely for you.Melissa breaks down why dirty talk doesn’t actually have to be “dirty” at all. It can be playful, flirty, intimate, teasing, affirming, and deeply connecting — whether you’re in the same room or doing long distance. The episode covers how to start small, why texting can be the perfect gateway, how to move away from performative porn-style language, and how to find words that actually feel natural for you.Jay-Jay, meanwhile, does what Jay-Jay does best: says exactly what everyone else is thinking. Is it awkward? Yes. Will you laugh? Probably. Will you also come away with genuinely useful tips for talking sexy without feeling ridiculous? Also yes.In this episode, we cover:what dirty talk really iswhy so many people find it harder than sex itselfwhy sexy texting can be the easiest place to startthe difference between porn talk and real-life turn-onhow anticipation can be hotter than explicit languagehow to talk in a way that reflects what you actually desirehow to laugh through the awkwardness instead of shutting downwhy aftercare and compliments can be part of erotic talk tooPlus, Melissa gives listeners a Pleasure Practice challenge for the week… and puts Jay-Jay on the spot with a live reading exercise that is every bit as awkward and hilarious as you’d hope.Mel mentions here Dirty Talk Cheat Sheet! You can download a copy of that hereNext episode: Melissa opens up about pregnancy, libido loss, postpartum sex, and what happens when your body feels completely different to the one you used to know. This podcast is proudly sponsored by Wild Secrets.Shop online at wildsecrets.co.nz & use the code HAVESEX for 20% off sitewide…Pleasure Delivered.SUBSCRIBE TO OUR SUBSTACK https://hthspodcast.substack.com/ INSTAGRAM https://www.instagram.com/howtohavesexpodcastFACEBOOK https://www.facebook.com/HowToHaveSexPodcastYOUTUBE https://www.youtube.com/@HowtohavesexpodcastEMAIL howtohavesexpodcastnz@gmail.comSupport the podcast! https://buymeacoffee.com/howtohavesexHow To Have Sex is produced by PodLab, Auckland. https://www.podlab.co.nz/HOSTS: Jay-Jay Feeney – Media PersonalityInstagram/TikTok: @JJFeeneyNZFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/JayJayFeeneyMelissa Vranjes – Certified Somatic Sex & Relationship Coachwww.melissavranjes.comInstagram: @melissavranjesReady to feel more confident, connected, and turned on in your body? Join Sex School here: https://www.melissavranjes.com/sex-school Want more from Mel? She writes a weekly sex column for Woman's Day magazine.Pick up the latest issue to read it.