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Chart Music: the Top Of The Pops Podcast
Chart Music #75: August 15th 1974 – Could YOU Be Donny’s Bride?
The latest episode of the podcast which asks; The Osmonds – who’s the Sex King?
We’re BACK, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, and to commemorate this we’ve only gone and picked out one of the maddest episodes of Top Of The Pops ever. It’s the late Summer of 1974, Robin Nash has just bedded in, and he’s got big plans for our Thursday evening fizzy Pop treat. Sadly, one of them – a massive splurge on David Cassidy’s farewell tour – has been shagged up by a BBC technician’s strike. But this week, the BBC has taken full ownership of the First Family of Utah and have given over a six-day block of early evening real estate to Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken and Donny.
Consequently, this episode is a complete twisting of our Pop-Crazed melons. Out goes the studio in Television Centre, and in comes the BBC Television theatre, the natural domain of Crackerjack, That’s Life! and the Basil Brush Show. Out goes the usual melange of sullen youths chatting about lads and shoes and what they bought at Chelsea Girl last Saturday, and in comes 3,000 girls with their pants all of a piss at the sight of an Osmond. Yes, there is a presenter – Noel Edmonds, wearing possibly the most Different Times shirt ever – but he’s only there to stop the endless SCREAMING that might was well not be there.
Musicwise, well: Obviously the Osmonds get to plug their next single, but it’s a mixed bag of fag-end Glam, Black American sophistication, future advert jingles, and Brit-rubbish. The Glitter Band show off their Cyberman bukkake hairdos. Marie Osmond continues her reign as the World’s Oldest 14 Year-Old. Cozy Powell and his band of Egg and Chippers thud away. Pans People airlift a vital supply of Dadisfaction. Steve Harley and his pickup band look at each other in amused disbelief. The dark secret of Sara Leone is revealed. OH MY GOD IT’S THE BAY CITY ROLLERS. Sylvia pops up for a bit of Spanish Schlager – Schangria, if you will. The Osmonds get a massive plug for their next single, and the grown-ups enter the room with this week’s Number One.
Sarah Bee and Taylor Parkes join Al Needham for a good scream – at everything – in this episode, veering off on such tangents as Sovereign Citizens, the Osmonds’ Barbershop Raga, Mike Read’s Shakin’ Jackanory, a horrifying tale from the Wank Factory involving a tin of anchovies and the Eastenders Omnibus, Tam Paton’s Star Bar obsession, and the most Plastic item of clothing ever. Swearing a-plenty. BE CALM.
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189. Chart Music #76: August 12th 1982 – Humpty Dumpty Is Big Eggy
06:01:27||Season 1, Ep. 189The latest episode of the podcast which asks; do we really need a Chart Music Heritage Chart?Never have we needed Simon Bates at the top of the show warning of explicit content as much as we do for this episode, Pop-Crazed Youngsters, for it pains us to say that this one is absolutely sopping with the musk of Percy Filth. We’re combing through the grot-encrusted underbelly of the last days of the Eighventies here, and this episode is an uncompromising stare at it. You might want to finish your tea before you start on it.We’re in the Summer of 1982, and this instalment of our Favourite Thursday Evening Fizzy Pop Treat, and everything – even the rubbish bits – sparkles and wobbles like deeleyboppers in the breeze. Even John Peel gets into the spirit by putting on a bin liner, managing not to punch any City Farm wankers, and keeping the barbs to a minimum, unaware that Noel Edmonds is about to attempt to decapitate him over a year from now.Musicwise, it’s a textbook example of Silver Age Top Of The Pops, the programme that everyone moans about, but everyone watches. David Essex gifts us a slab of flesh-eating sensuality and some blokes arsing about in a posh bar. Yazoo continue their upward trajectory. We get some Red Hot Dutch Gay Filth lobbed at us, and then – YESSSS! – two chocolate guitars. Sheena Easton deigns to make an appearance, and then SIMULATED BUMSEX. Zoo get absolutely ignored because even Michael Hurll’s had enough of ‘em by now, the Fun Boy Three Puppet Show rolls into town, George Cole gets lionised, and you already know what the Number One is, so put that buffet plate down and pile onto the dancefloor, and DEAL WITH IT.David Stubbs and Taylor Parkes join Al Needham, the Dancing Fool for a glorious rampage through the summer of ‘82, veering off into tangents such as getting someone else’s calendar foisted upon you, the horrific tawdriness of Private Spy, the joys of old mens’ urine-soaked trousers, trying to get The Old Uns to buy records about being bummed by the police while a prostitute cheers them on, David Essex Apostrophe Showcase, and a doomed attempt to make some aliens have sex. FILTH! FILTH! FILTH!Video Playlist| Facebook | Twitter| Bluesky | The Chart Music Wiki | PatreonGet your tickets for Chart Music at the London Podcast Festival HERE
188. #76 (Pt 4): 12.8.82 – Humpty Dumpty Is Big Eggy
01:25:10||Season 1, Ep. 188David Stubbs, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham – still far too young, still far too clever – finish off this outstanding episode of The Pops, and are delighted to learn that at this point even Michael Hurll has had enough of Zoo, as he’s pushed them to the side to make way for some Moroccan tumblers. The Fun Boy 3 attempt to land the summer hit of the year, The Firm put themselves onto a nice little earner, and the Number One single of the week could not be more perfect. AINCHER GOT THE KETTLE ON YET, Pop-Crazed Youngsters?Video Playlist| Facebook | Twitter| Bluesky | The Chart Music Wiki | PatreonGet your tickets for Chart Music at the London Podcast Festival HERE
187. #76 (Pt 3): 12.8.82 – Humpty Dumpty Is Big Eggy
01:31:10||Season 1, Ep. 187Taylor Parkes, David Stubbs and Al Needham continue their odyssey through this massively enjoyable TOTP, and we finally get to see the Chocolate Guitar incident. Sheena Easton becomes Gertie Numan, then Haysi Fantayzee perform some ACTUAL BUMHOLE LOVE while kids are watching, before Wavelength cash in on the Falklands and throw a wet tea towel over the chip pan of Fizzy Pop Excitement. OK? YEAH! SHOWDOWN! Video Playlist| Facebook | Twitter| Bluesky | The Chart Music Wiki | PatreonGet your tickets for Chart Music at the London Podcast Festival HERE
186. #76 (Pt 2): 12.8.82 – Humpty Dumpty Is Big Eggy
01:32:47||Season 1, Ep. 186David Stubbs, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham gleefully ram their fists into a TOTP from the late summer of ‘82. John Peel oversees the well-supervised fun, unaware that a year from now Noel Edmonds is going to try to get him decapitated on live TV, and he introduces us to some Cannibal-Eating Sensuality. Then Yazoo – who look like the right-on young couple next door who would always be up for lending you a cup of Sosmix – continue their astonishing rise. And the Boys Town Gang take a night off from their urban perambulations to go their thing in a Dutch TV studio...Video Playlist| Facebook | Twitter| Bluesky | The Chart Music Wiki | PatreonGet your tickets for Chart Music at the London Podcast Festival HERE
185. #76 (Pt 1): 12.8.82 – Humpty Dumpty Is Big Eggy
01:40:15||Season 1, Ep. 185Taylor Parkes, David Stubbs and Al Needham prepare to tuck into a gloriously succulent episode of Top Of The Pops from the Silver Age - but first, they have a leisurely trawl of that week’s NME, express disgust at the inability of AI to create graphic erotic fiction about aliens on crisp packets, and pull apart Private Spy – quite possibly the grimmest artifact of the Eighventies... Video Playlist| Facebook | Twitter| Bluesky | The Chart Music Wiki | PatreonGet your tickets for Chart Music at the London Podcast Festival HERE
183. Chart Music #75 (Pt 4): 15.8.74 – Could YOU Be Donny’s Bride?
01:31:43||Season 1, Ep. 183Sarah Bee, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham conclude their investigation into this episode of Top Of The Pops, and are left shaking their heads at the success of the Bay City Rollers. The Osmonds take their final stand against the Tartan Gimmicks, the grown-ups enter the room for a properly decent No.1, and then it gets all Sunday Night At The London Palladium. RUN IN THE SUN HAVING FUN, POP-CRAZED YOUNGSTERS!Video Playlist | Subscribe | Facebook | Bluesky | Twitter | The Chart Music Wiki | Patreon
182. Chart Music #75 (Pt 3): 15.8.74 – Could YOU Be Donny’s Bride?
01:46:00||Season 1, Ep. 182Sarah Bee, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham continue their odyssey through one of the strangest TOTP episodes ever, with a right bunch of Egg n’ Chippers, a chance to see if you’re marriage material for Donny Osmond, a necessary blast of Dadisfaction, a foreshadowing of an advert 14 years from now, and the most Different Times incident we’ve ever come across... Video Playlist | Subscribe | Facebook | Bluesky | Twitter | The Chart Music Wiki | Patreon
181. Chart Music #75 (Pt 2): 15.8.74 – Could YOU Be Donny’s Bride?
01:39:47||Season 1, Ep. 181Sarah Bee, Taylor Parkes and Al Needham begin their quest through the dungeons of Castle Osmond. It’s August, it’s 1974, and the BBC have given an entire week over to Ken, Ken, Ken, Ken, Donny, Marie and Little Jimmy for six nights of Mormonised Borscht Belt Wisecracks, karate demonstrations and Barbershop Raga, live from the BBC Television Theatre. And tonight they’ve taken over our Thursday Evening Fizzy Pop Treat...Video Playlist | Subscribe | Facebook | Bluesky | Twitter | The Chart Music Wiki | Patreon