Behind The Smile with Ash Butterss

This week Ash sits down with Dave McGrath, a 47 year old carpenter and father who recently celebrated three years of sobriety. For a period of about nine months before rehab, Dave was living out of his car, seeing his daughter once every month or two, and losing himself completely to what he calls the alcoholic insanity. His rock bottom came in a friend's garage, staring at an extension ladder and a rope, before something in him snapped awake enough to call a rehab.In this raw and honest conversation, Dave takes Ash through the chaos of early sobriety attempts that did not stick, the shame of losing contact with his family and his daughter, and the strangers along the way who quietly helped him find his footing, including a chance encounter on a footpath that led him to treatment. He also opens up about an unexpected and profound spiritual awakening in a church that changed the course of his recovery, and what it has taken to rebuild trust with the people he hurt along the way. This is a story about hope, redemption and never giving up. Episode chapters:00:00 Introducing Dave McGrath03:21 The Photo: A Visitation Day With His Daughter04:16 The Unmanageability of Alcoholic Insanity05:55 The First Drink as a Child09:30 Hating Who He Saw in the Mirror10:41 The Craving He Could Never Control15:14 Failed Attempts and Dry Spells18:52 Cold Water Plunges at 2am19:33 Rock Bottom: The Rope in the Garage21:31 A Stranger on the Street Who Showed Him the Way23:21 A Daughter Waiting at the Window26:03 From Dry Drunk to Actually Working the Program44:51 A Spiritual Awakening at Church47:57 Daily Conscious Contact and Letting Go of Rage50:21 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic LifeJoin Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.Upcoming RetreatsThe Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out MoreThe Embodied Woman 5 Day Retreat | April 21 - 25, 2027 | Find Out MoreA Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027 Email hello@ashbutterss.com for more informationFollow and connect with Ash on: ⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterssTikTok @behindthesmilewithashbWebsite⁠ www.ashbutterss.comWatch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

My guest this week is Megan Ashton, founder of Unity Breathwork and a leading voice for raising safety standards in the breathwork industry. Megan spent most of her adult life escaping herself, first through alcohol and bulimia as a teenager, then later through constant travel that let her outrun her feelings entirely. It took a devastating breakup, and a breathwork session in Bali, for her to finally crack open decades of unprocessed grief, so that she could start the long journey of finding a way back to herself.In this conversation, Megan and Ash unpack what conscious connected breathwork actually is, why it so often brings up trauma the body has been holding for years, and what it means to build a practice around genuine safety rather than chasing catharsis. Megan speaks candidly about the childhood wounds that shaped her patterns of numbing, the importance of proper preparation and integration when facilitating breathwork, and her mission to make this kind of healing as accessible and understood as yoga. This conversation invites you to think about acknowledging the feelings you’ve spent a lifetime avoiding.Episode chapters:00:00 Introducing Megan Ashton05:24 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile in Nicaragua07:32 Travel as an Escape Strategy09:33 A Sensitive Childhood and the First Time She Numbed Out11:17 The Slow Slide Into Bulimia12:59 The Breakup That Broke Everything Open19:57 Trying Everything Before Breathwork20:27 The Bali Session That Changed Her Life22:17 Discovering Her Mission in Conscious Connected Breathwork24:07 What Conscious Connected Breathwork Actually Is27:08 A Year of Crying: What Processing Really Looks Like28:07 Letting Go of Expectations in the Practice00:18 Why Safety in Breathwork Matters So Much02:28 The Risk of Retraumatisation Without Proper Preparation04:33 Grounding and Integration After a Session18:11 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic LifeConnect with Megan through the links below:Website: (https://unitybreathwork.com/)Breathwork Facilitator Training page: (https://unitybreathwork.com/breathwork-facilitator-training/)Instagram (https://www.instagram.com/unitybreathwork/)Retreats:(https://unitybreathwork.com/breathwork-retreat/)Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.Upcoming RetreatsThe Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out MoreThe Embodied Woman 5 Day Retreat | April 21 - 25, 2027 | Find Out MoreA Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027Email hello@ashbutterss.com for more information.Follow and connect with Ash on: ⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterssTikTok @behindthesmilewithashbWebsite⁠ www.ashbutterss.comWatch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

My guest this week is Tully Johns, a Melbourne based health coach who spent close to fifteen years working as a zookeeper before turning to helping people. For most of three decades, Tully carried the effects of childhood sexual abuse without a name for it, showing up instead as depression, anxiety, and eventually a PTSD diagnosis. It was only in his forties, after his brother came forward with his own memories and pursued a case against their father, that Tully began to understand what he himself had survived.In this conversation, Tully shares what it was like to process decades of trauma later in life, the stretch of days he could not get out of bed that became his turning point, and the small, unglamorous practices that slowly rebuilt his life from the ground up. He and Ash talk about connection, letting people in, and what it means to parent well after having none of that modelled for you. This is a tender and deeply honest conversation about healing on your own timeline and choosing, every day, not to be defined by what happened to you.Trigger Warning: This episode contains discussions of child sexual abuse, please listen with care. Support services have been included in the episode show notes. Episode chapters:00:00 Introducing Tully Johns06:33 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile07:00 Discovering the Abuse: A Four Year Old's Burden14:11 His Brother's Case and the Public Fallout18:13 Forty Years to Process What Happened26:03 Finding Escape and Purpose Through Animals32:05 The Catabasis: Hitting a Wall as a Stay at Home Dad36:17 The Fake Smile That Started the Rebuild38:16 One Word Journaling and Small Daily Wins40:58 Movement as Medicine45:57 Self Compassion Alongside Discipline49:06 Reparenting the Four Year Old Within53:01 Why Connection Changes Everything01:00:40 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic LifeConnect with Tully using the links below: Rebuild Body & Mind with Tully: https://www.skool.com/rebuild-with-tully-5411/abouttullyjohns.comRecovering From Childhood Trauma - How I got my life back: https://youtu.be/r0BwXJvU59QInstagram: https://www.instagram.com/tullyjohns/Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=61581593417290Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@tullyjohnsSupport ServicesIf this episode has brought anything up for you, support is available:Blue Knot Helpline provides specialist support for adult survivors of childhood trauma and abuse. Call 1300 657 380.1800RESPECT provides free, confidential counselling and support for anyone impacted by sexual violence. Call 1800 737 732 or text 0458 737 732, 24 hours a day, seven days a week.Bravehearts provides information and support relating specifically to child sexual abuse. Call 1800 272 831, Monday to Friday, 8:30am to 4:30pm AEST.Lifeline provides crisis support 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Call 13 11 14.Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.Upcoming RetreatsThe Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out MoreA Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027 Email hello@ashbutterss.com for more informationFollow and connect with Ash on: ⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterssTikTok @behindthesmilewithashbWebsite⁠ www.ashbutterss.comWatch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

My guest this week is Suzi Raleigh, a recovery advocate and budding author who is now 32 years sober. Suzi started drinking at 13, was misdiagnosed for years with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder, and survived multiple psychiatric hospitalisations and several near death experiences before her father encouraged her to try 12 Step Recovery in 1993. She has not had a drink since.In this conversation, Suzi shares what it was like to live with a loneliness she calls the ache, the moment her drinking finally stopped being explained away by mental illness, and how discovering codependency twelve years into sobriety changed the entire trajectory of her recovery. She and Ash explore what it really means to be a recovering rescuer, the boundaries work that continues decades in, and the unique approach Suzi now teaches through her upcoming book, naming, taming and nurturing the different inner personalities that drive addiction and codependency. It is a warm, funny and wise conversation about what it looks like to keep growing long after the drinking stops.Episode chapters:00:00 Introducing Suzi Raleigh06:09 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile07:25 Growing Up in a Pub and the First Drink at Thirteen10:19 The Ache: Naming the Loneliness Underneath12:04 The First Hospitalisation and Years of Misdiagnosis23:04 Her Father's Suggestion and the First AA Meeting25:01 What the First Twelve Months of Sobriety Looked Like27:06 Becoming a Recovering Rescuer28:48 Discovering Codependency at Twelve Years Sober30:11 High Functioning Codependency and the Auto-Fix Reflex37:21 Marrying a Man Twenty Years Sober and Growing Together42:57 Naming the Inner Characters: Suzy the Floozy and Beyond01:00:39 Reclaiming Little Tootie and Becoming Her Own Best Friend01:05:25 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic LifeYou can connect with Suzi on her Tik Tok or reach out via email - suzilr6@gmail.com Join Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.Upcoming RetreatsThe Embodied Woman One Day Retreat | October 25th | Find Out MoreA Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027 Email hello@ashbutterss.com for more informationFollow and connect with Ash on: ⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterssTikTok @behindthesmilewithashbWebsite⁠ www.ashbutterss.comWatch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!Support ServicesIf this conversation has brought anything up for you, please know you don’t have to go through it alone. Support is always available. You can reach out to Lifeline on 13 11 14 for 24/7 crisis support, Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 for mental health support and guidance, or the Suicide Call Back Service on 1300 659 467 for free counselling.

My guest this week is Katrina Loewe, a mum of three boys who lived 47 years in internal chaos before a spiritual awakening turned her life around. On the outside, Katrina had everything, a beautiful family, a beautiful home, and a life many would envy. On the inside, she was drowning in perfectionism, shame she had carried since her teens, and a growing disconnection from herself that eventually led her through four hospitalisations in the space of nine and a half weeks.Katrina shares what it was like to hit a point where nothing external could fix her anymore, the moment she finally reached out for real help, and how meditation, connection, and a complete willingness to change gave her a life she had never known was possible. She talks openly about perfectionism, people pleasing, the shame of being away from her children while seeking treatment, and what it means to finally feel at peace in your own life.This is a moving conversation about what transformation can look like when it has nothing to do with rock bottom in the traditional sense, and everything to do with finally coming home to yourself.Episode chapters:00:00 Introducing Katrina Loewe05:14 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile08:52 A Wholesome Childhood and the First Signs of Not Fitting In13:14 A Difficult Family Holiday and Years of Carrying Shame26:20 Becoming a Stepmum, IVF, and Chasing "I'll Be Happy When"30:52 Suffocating Behind a Perfect Life33:22 Losing Her Father and the Grief She Never Processed36:43 The Trip Around Australia and the Start of the Unravelling38:04 When Drinking Crept In40:53 Four Hospitals in Nine and a Half Weeks46:13 The Instagram Post That Changed Everything51:20 What Her Relationship with Alcohol Looks Like Today57:19 Releasing the Shame and Living Without Apology01:00:16 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic LifeJoin Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.Upcoming Workshops:The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets HereUpcoming Retreats:The Embodied Woman | Gold Coast | April 21 - 25, 2027A Sacred Return | Bali | August 16 - 20, 2027Email hello@ashbutterss.com for more details! Follow and connect with Ash on: ⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterssTikTok @behindthesmilewithashbWebsite⁠ www.ashbutterss.comWatch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

My guest this week is Sanjay, a father in recovery who has been sober for 21 years. Born in Uganda, raised in London and now living in Melbourne, Sanjay grew up watching his father drink before taking his own first drink at fifteen. He spent the next two decades chasing that initial feeling through alcohol, drugs and gambling, while his life quietly unravelled behind the scenes.In this conversation, Sanjay shares the unexpected moment a psychiatrist broke through every wall he had built, what it took to finally surrender, and why getting sober was only the beginning. He opens up about losing his father to alcoholism, navigating divorce without returning to old behaviours, and the role yoga and spirituality have played in helping him continue to grow.But the real secret to Sanjay’s 21 years of sobriety has been getting out of himself. Through service, connection and giving back to the recovery community, he has found a sense of purpose that has carried him through every season of life. This is a warm and honest conversation about why sobriety cannot be sustained in isolation, and how helping others may be one of the most powerful ways we help ourselves.Episode chapters:00:08 Introducing Sanjay04:39 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile in London07:48 Growing Up: A Father's Drinking and Life on Eggshells10:49 A Refugee Identity and the Feeling of Not Belonging13:07 The First Drink at Fifteen and Why He Loved It17:15 Chasing the Feeling: Rave Culture, Drugs and Excess19:37 When the Consequences Started to Show Up23:57 Rock Bottom: Isolated, Broke and Calling Crisis Lines at 2am26:22 The Health Insurance Letter and the Road to the Priory29:02 The Psychiatrist Who Saw a Little Boy31:06 Surrender Day: January 13, 200536:50 What Happened Inside the Priory38:12 Building the Foundation: Big Book Recovery and Service52:43 Whack-a-Mole: What Comes Up When You Put the Drink Down56:47 Yoga, Chanting and the Practices That Quieten the Noise59:35 What Recovery Looks Like 21 Years InJoin Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.Upcoming Workshops:The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets HereFollow and connect with Ash on: ⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterssTikTok @behindthesmilewithashbWebsite⁠ www.ashbutterss.comWatch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

My guest this week is Dr. Edith Shiro, a clinical psychologist and author who has spent more than three decades working with trauma survivors, refugees, and communities navigating profound adversity. She is also the granddaughter of Holocaust survivors and Syrian refugees, and that lived experience sits at the heart of everything she does.In this conversation, Dr. Shiro and Ash explore what trauma really means, how it shows up in perfectionism, people pleasing, dissociation, and addiction, and why so many people move through life not realising they are carrying wounds at all. Dr. Shiro also touches on her five-stage framework for post-traumatic growth, including the science behind why spirituality changes the brain and how individuals can transform their pain into purpose. We will all experience trauma in some form. This conversation is about what you choose to do with it, and whether you allow it to define you.Episode chapters:00:22 Introducing Dr. Edith Shiro 02:03 What Trauma Really Means 03:35 Trauma Responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze and Fawn 06:32 Minimizing Trauma: When You Don't Think You Qualify 07:56 Micro Traumas and How They Accumulate Over Time 10:22 Dissociation: The Protective Tool That Keeps Us Stuck 13:25 The Invisible Armor and the Emptiness Underneath 17:41 The Universal Wounds: Shame, Rejection, and Not Belonging 20:53 The Unexpected Gift of Trauma: The Book and the Title 23:06 Why Two People Can Experience the Same Trauma So Differently 27:47 Intergenerational Trauma and the Science of Epigenetics 29:29 Becoming the Intergenerational Alchemist 30:52 Radical Acceptance: The Hardest and Most Essential First Step 31:43 The Parallel Between Stage One and Step One 36:21 Why We Lie: Fear, Shame, and the Double Life 39:10 Why Spirituality Is Essential for Post-Traumatic Growth 41:45 Turning Pain into Purpose 45:55 Dr. Edith's Own Spiritual Practice 49:25 There Is Hope and There Is a Way OutConnect with Dr. Edith below:Instagram WebsiteLinkedinThe Unexpected Gift of Trauma: The Path to Posttraumatic Growth by Dr. Edith ShiroJoin Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.Upcoming Workshops:The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets HereFollow and connect with Ash on: ⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterssTikTok @behindthesmilewithashbWebsite⁠ www.ashbutterss.comWatch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!

My guest this week is Mark Purser, a yoga teacher, meditation guide, and founder of the Yogic Meditation Institute, based in Byron Bay. With over 20 years of study across almost every major yoga tradition, Mark brings a rare depth of knowledge to his teaching. But behind all of that wisdom is a story of years spent swinging between intense spiritual practice and alcohol, trying to find a way out that didn't involve fully surrendering.In this conversation, Mark shares the moment his last drink became his last, alone in a national park on his birthday with no phone reception and a choice to make. He and Ash explore the relationship between yoga philosophy and 12-step recovery, the power of stillness as a daily practice, and why Yoga Nidra remains the one tool he would never give up. This is a conversation for anyone looking to understand what it really takes to build a life rooted in meaning, community, and presence.Episode chapters:00:00 Introducing Mark Purser03:29 Life in Byron Bay: Surfing, Tango, and Sadhana07:04 How Tango Became a Moving Meditation10:00 Scent of a Woman and the Seed That Was Planted12:07 The Photo: Hiding Behind the Smile in Byron Bay15:15 Yoga Without the Inner Work18:31 The Tango Class, the Pub, and the Night It All Unravelled21:28 Being a Dad and the Shame of a Blackout26:29 The Last Drink: Alone in the Bush on His Birthday29:44 Choosing Sydney Over the Pub31:49 The Balance Between Horror and Hope33:05 A Cousin 35 Years Sober and the Power of Living Proof35:29 Why Ash Resisted AA and What Changed37:13 The Gift of Desperation45:00 Where Yoga Philosophy and the 12 Steps Meet51:48 Why He Still Needs Help After 15 Years53:44 The Stillness Practice and Why It Changes Everything57:45 Yoga Nidra: The One Tool He Would Never Give Up59:39 Three Non-Negotiables for a Happy, Authentic LifeConnect with Mark below:www.bambooyogabyron.com InstagramPodcast: The Gentle RevolutionJoin Ash’s community newsletter! Click the link here to join.Upcoming Workshops:The Renewal Ritual | September 13th | Buy Tickets HereFollow and connect with Ash on: ⁠Instagram⁠ @ashbutterssTikTok @behindthesmilewithashbWebsite⁠ www.ashbutterss.comWatch Ash’s TEDx Talk here!