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Back From The Borderline
VN30: the impact of emotionally absent mothering [preview]
In this preview of a voice note available exclusively for my Ultra Premium Submarines on Patreon, we’re diving into the profound effects of emotionally unavailable mothering and the far-reaching implications of childhood emotional neglect. You’ll gain an understanding of the crucial role a mother's emotional presence plays during infancy in fostering secure attachment, which is foundational for a child's future mental and emotional well-being. We examine how the absence of such nurturing can lead to the development of fragile coping mechanisms and persistent mental health challenges. This one is a tough and heavy listen, understanding and fully integrating these concepts and emotions are integral to any healing journey.
Craving the full length version of this episode? Become a Premium Submarine. Join an exclusive community and unlock hundreds of hours of members-only content: full-length episodes, deep-dive series, guided meditations, and more—all for the cost of a couple of coffees a month. Start exploring at backfromtheborderline.com.
The information contained in this podcast episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a licensed mental health professional.
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the inner temple: an ASMR ceremony of self-initiation
01:35:43|You are about to step into a liminal space—a threshold between the seen and unseen, the known and the infinite. What you will hear is not merely words but a vibration, a key that unlocks the forgotten corridors of your soul. This is an invocation, an initiation, a whisper from the eternal. Whether you listen in stillness or on a walk, in deep meditation or while you sleep, these messages are designed to work within you, speaking to the layers of your being both conscious and unconscious. They will not tell you what to think but guide you to remember. Those with the eyes to see and the ears to hear will find the doorway waiting. Will you walk through?Disclaimer: This episode is a freely offered audio experience, created with the intention of serving the highest good. To honor its purpose, all ads have been disabled, ensuring it remains a pure and uninterrupted space for reflection and transformation. May it bring clarity, peace, and inspiration to all who listen.Closing song: Devi Prayer – Hymn to the Divine Mother by Craig Pruess and Ananda Devi“when trauma becomes your identity, that’s a dangerous thing” [premium exclusive]
01:04:29|What's shaping our identities today? It seems like 'trauma' is the word on everyone's lips. From personal battles to cultural debates, the concept has infiltrated our conversations and our consciousness. But when did our traumas start defining us? In this episode, inspired by a revealing interview from the Financial Times with Bessel van der Kolk, we unravel how trauma is not just a personal ordeal but a cultural phenomenon that's shaping our very fabric.Van der Kolk, a pioneering psychiatrist whose life's work has centered on understanding trauma, argues that our darkest experiences do more than just linger—they shape our identity. Through his insights, we'll explore the profound impact that trauma has on our personal lives and societal structures. From childhood adversities to the collective traumas of societies, van der Kolk’s perspectives challenge us to rethink our approaches to mental health.Diving deeper, this episode examines van der Kolk's critiques of modern psychiatric methods and his advocacy for alternative healing modalities. Why does he believe that traditional talk therapies often fall short, and how might practices like MDMA-assisted therapy or yoga offer more profound healing? We'll dissect the science and the stories behind these methods, understanding their potential to rewrite the narratives of trauma in our bodies and minds.Moreover, we connect these themes to broader societal shifts witnessed in recent years—from the isolation heightened by digital communication to the global rise of trauma as a ubiquitous topic. How has our understanding of trauma changed in the wake of the pandemic and social media's ascendancy? What does this mean for our future as individuals and communities trying to heal?Join me as we navigate the treacherous waters of trauma with Bessel van der Kolk, whose insights challenge us to not just recognize but truly transform our wounds into wisdom. This episode isn’t just about understanding the scars that trauma leaves; it's about learning how to rise above them. How do we acknowledge the pain without letting it anchor our entire existence? How do we move from being victims of our past to architects of our future? Tune in as we explore these poignant questions, discovering pathways not just to survive but to thrive beyond our past pains. RESOURCES: ✧ Source Article: Psychiatrist Bessel van der Kolk: ‘When trauma becomes your identity, that’s a dangerous thing’ via the Financial TimesTIME STAMPS:00:00 – 29:06.35: PART 1 (Introduction to Bessel van der Kolk, his early influences, pioneering research on PTSD in Vietnam war veterans, and the impact of "The Body Keeps the Score".) 29:06.35 – 01:04:31.41: PART 2 (Discussion on identity-focused narratives, the role of social media, making trauma part of identity, van der Kolk’s institutional challenges, his views on mainstream and alternative therapies, and concluding reflections on balancing trauma awareness.)do you act like you were never held as a baby? (how unmet needs in infancy might be sabotaging your ability to find love)
01:36:47|You’ve likely heard variations of the phrase: 'Wow, you must not have received enough love as a child,' or 'you’re acting like you were never held as a baby.' It’s a common enough saying—often delivered as a joke—but it actually hints at a deeper truth we all recognize: our childhood experiences shape how we love and seek connection as adults.But what if the real story runs much deeper than we think? What if many of our romantic struggles aren't just personal issues or emotional wounds, but are also woven into the very fabric of our society's expectations and the scripts handed down by our caregivers, which were likely given to them by theirs? In this episode, I'll take you on a journey to uncover the unconscious ways in which our earliest needs, unmet by our caregivers, set the stage for how we pursue love and intimacy. We'll explore how cultural narratives further embed these patterns, often steering us into cycles of seeking the parental love we lacked through our partners.By zooming out, we'll also examine how these personal patterns extend into the way we parent our own children, unconsciously continuing the cycle of emotional deprivation. This isn’t just about understanding relationship dynamics; it’s about connecting the dots between our individual emotional blueprints and broader societal structures. You’ll leave this episode with a profound understanding of the root causes of your relationship issues—insights that go beyond mainstream mental health discourse, shining a light on the shadows of your emotional past and generational wounds to foster real healing and change. Tune in to discover how to break free from the chains of your upbringing and rewrite your script for love and connection. This is more than an episode; it’s a key to unlocking the deeper truths about your emotional world. Don’t miss out—your journey to deeper, more conscious relationships starts here.Enjoyed this episode? Explore more as a Premium Submarine. Dive deep into hundreds of hours of ad-free exclusive content and full-length episodes on Patreon, including my original BPD recovery series, guided meditations, and much more. Click here to preview the premium collections you’ll unlock access to for as little as a couple of cups of coffee a month. Learn more and join at backfromtheborderline.com.The information contained in this podcast episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a licensed mental health professional.do you act like you were never held as a baby? (how unmet needs in infancy might be sabotaging your ability to find love) [ad-free]
01:36:47|You’ve likely heard variations of the phrase: 'Wow, you must not have received enough love as a child,' or 'you’re acting like you were never held as a baby.' It’s a common enough saying—often delivered as a joke—but it actually hints at a deeper truth we all recognize: our childhood experiences shape how we love and seek connection as adults.But what if the real story runs much deeper than we think? What if many of our romantic struggles are not just personal issues or emotional wounds, but are also woven into the very fabric of our society's expectations and the scripts handed down by our caregivers (which were likely given to them by theirs)?In this episode, I'll take you on a journey to uncover the unconscious ways in which our earliest needs, unmet by our earliest caregivers, set the stage for how we pursue love and intimacy. We'll explore how cultural narratives further embed these patterns, often steering us into cycles of seeking the parental love we lacked through our partners.By zooming out, we also examine how these personal patterns extend into the way we parent, potentially perpetuating a cycle of emotional deprivation. This isn’t just about understanding relationship dynamics; it’s about connecting the dots between our individual emotional blueprints and broader societal structures. You’ll leave this episode with a profound understanding of the root causes of your relationship issues—insights that go beyond mainstream mental health discourse, shining a light on the shadows of your emotional past to foster real healing and change.Tune in to discover how to break free from the chains of your upbringing and rewrite your script for love and connection. This is more than an episode; it’s a key to unlocking the deeper truths about your emotional world. Don’t miss out—your journey to deeper, more conscious relationships starts here.could your entire life be a virtual simulation? (unveiling what lies beyond the illusions we accept as reality) [preview]
27:48|Have you ever considered that what you see and experience every day might not be the whole truth? What if the reality we interact with is just a simplified version, like a veil pulled over our eyes? This is the provocative idea from Donald D. Hoffman, a cognitive psychologist who believes our perceptions are more about survival than seeing the truth. First, we dive into Hoffman's theory. It suggests that our sense of space and time is similar to icons on a computer screen—designed not to reveal the full complexity of reality, but to help us navigate life effectively. Why do our brains do this? We’ll explore the evolutionary benefits that might be driving this phenomenon. Then, imagine handling life like you would a narrative video game, such as Red Dead Redemption, where every choice you make shapes the story. What if we viewed our daily choices with the same strategic importance? We'll look into how this mindset could help us be less reactive and more proactive, potentially reshaping our life’s narrative. Next, we'll tackle how this view could fundamentally alter our approach to deep personal struggles. Could understanding life as a game with hidden rules offer new ways to deal with chronic feelings of emptiness or even suicidal thoughts? Finally, we link Hoffman's modern insights with ancient teachings from mystery schools that believed we only see parts of reality. As modern physics starts to sound similar to these age-old beliefs, it's clear that our understanding of the universe is still evolving. Are you ready to question the reality you’ve always known? Let’s peel back the layers together.TIME STAMPS: 00:00 – 26:12.26: PART 1 (Exploring Donald D. Hoffman's theory that perceptions of space and time are like a virtual reality interface, with insights into how viewing life decisions as strategic choices in a game could reshape our understanding and responses to everyday challenges.) 26:17.55 – 52:42.39: PART 2 (Delving into how Hoffman’s theory impacts our approach to psychological suffering, exploring life as a game for meaningful engagement, and drawing parallels between modern physics and ancient teachings that suggest our understanding of the universe is fundamentally incomplete.)Craving more? Become a Premium Submarine. Join an exclusive community and unlock hundreds of hours of members-only content: full-length episodes, deep-dive series, guided meditations, and more—all for the cost of a couple of coffees a month. Start exploring at backfromtheborderline.com.The information contained in this podcast episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a licensed mental health professional. Disclaimer: The information contained in this podcast episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a licensed mental health professional.are you turning self-care into a form of self-punishment? (moving beyond hyper-control, emotional numbing and the body-mind disconnection) [ad-free]
23:45|Have you ever found yourself neglecting essential needs like eating, drinking, or moving your body, only to spiral into a state of reactivity and emotional turmoil? You’re not alone. In this episode, we’ll delve into how trauma and past experiences shape our self-care habits, leading to hyper-control, emotional numbing, and a harmful disconnect between mind and body.Join me as we explore the often self-sabotaging relationship we have with our own bodies. I'll share my personal journey—a journey that may resonate deeply with you—revealing how self-care can morph into self-punishment, leaving us feeling drained and detached. Through my struggles and recent epiphanies, we’ll uncover the transformative power of Somatic Experiencing and bodywork in healing these divides. By the end of this episode, you'll gain valuable insights on bridging the gap, reconnecting with your body, and approaching self-care with compassion and kindness.Click here to read the original article on Substack.are you turning self-care into a form of self-punishment? (moving beyond hyper-control, emotional numbing and the body-mind disconnection)
23:45|Have you ever found yourself neglecting essential needs like eating, drinking, or moving your body, only to spiral into a state of reactivity and emotional turmoil? You’re not alone. In this episode, we’ll delve into how trauma and past experiences shape our self-care habits, leading to hyper-control, emotional numbing, and a harmful disconnect between mind and body. Join me as we explore the often self-sabotaging relationship we have with our own bodies. I'll share my personal journey—a journey that may resonate deeply with you—revealing how self-care can morph into self-punishment, leaving us feeling drained and detached. Through my struggles and recent epiphanies, we’ll uncover the transformative power of Somatic Experiencing and bodywork in healing these divides. By the end of this episode, you'll gain valuable insights on bridging the gap, reconnecting with your body, and approaching self-care with compassion and kindness.Click here to read the original article on Substack.Craving more? Become a Premium Submarine. Join an exclusive community and unlock hundreds of hours of members-only content: full-length episodes, deep-dive series, guided meditations, and more—all for the cost of a couple of coffees a month. Start exploring at backfromtheborderline.com.The information contained in this podcast episode is for educational and entertainment purposes only and is not intended as a substitute for treatment or consultation with a licensed mental health professional.could your entire life be a virtual simulation? (unveiling what lies beyond the illusions we accept as reality) [premium exclusive]
52:42|Have you ever considered that what you see and experience every day might not be the whole truth? What if the reality we interact with is just a simplified version, like a veil pulled over our eyes? This is the provocative idea from Donald D. Hoffman, a cognitive psychologist who believes our perceptions are more about survival than seeing the truth.First, we dive into Hoffman's theory. It suggests that our sense of space and time is similar to icons on a computer screen—designed not to reveal the full complexity of reality, but to help us navigate life effectively. Why do our brains do this? We’ll explore the evolutionary benefits that might be driving this phenomenon.Then, imagine handling life like you would a narrative video game, such as Red Dead Redemption, where every choice you make shapes the story. What if we viewed our daily choices with the same strategic importance? We'll look into how this mindset could help us be less reactive and more proactive, potentially reshaping our life’s narrative.Next, we'll tackle how this view could fundamentally alter our approach to deep personal struggles. Could understanding life as a game with hidden rules offer new ways to deal with chronic feelings of emptiness or even suicidal thoughts?Finally, we link Hoffman's modern insights with ancient teachings from mystery schools that believed we only see parts of reality. As modern physics starts to sound similar to these age-old beliefs, it's clear that our understanding of the universe is still evolving. Are you ready to question the reality you’ve always known? Let’s peel back the layers together.RESOURCES: ✧ Suicide and the Soul by James Hillman✧ School of the Soul by Z'Ev Ben Shimon Halevi✧ Theories of Everything with Curt Jaimungal (Podcast/YouTube)✧ Donald Hoffman – Consciousness and Waking up from the Dream of Life (YouTube)TIME STAMPS: 00:00 – 26:12.26: PART 1 (Exploring Donald D. Hoffman's theory that perceptions of space and time are like a virtual reality interface, with insights into how viewing life decisions as strategic choices in a game could reshape our understanding and responses to everyday challenges.) 26:17.55 – 52:42.39: PART 2 (Delving into how Hoffman’s theory impacts our approach to psychological suffering, exploring life as a game for meaningful engagement, and drawing parallels between modern physics and ancient teachings that suggest our understanding of the universe is fundamentally incomplete.)this episode isn’t about UFOs – it’s about YOU [part 2]
02:30:57|I never planned to create a part two.When I released “This Isn’t About UFOs, It’s About You,” I thought I was done. I had shared everything I felt called to share—synchronicities, historical insights, and my own encounter with the phenomenon. It was raw, personal, and honestly, I wasn’t sure how people would respond. What happened next blew me away. The feedback poured in—more than I’ve ever received for anything I’ve created. Listeners told me it shifted something deep inside them, helping them see themselves, and the world, in a new light. But it wasn’t just that. Something else started happening.In the days after the episode, my life turned into a web of synchronicities and uncanny moments—threads I couldn’t ignore. It felt like the phenomenon itself was responding, pulling me further into the mystery, asking me to keep going. Names appeared in dreams. Signs showed up in the most unexpected places. Even the smallest details seemed to align, pointing toward a bigger picture I knew I had to explore.This episode is the result of that unraveling. It’s the next chapter in the story, but also a deeper dive into the threads that began to reveal themselves—threads that connect us all. If you’ve ever felt like there’s something just beneath the surface of everyday life, waiting for you to notice, this is your invitation. Let’s follow the breadcrumbs together.Here’s what we’ll explore:The Butterfly Effect of Synchronicity: How one small action—recording and releasing an episode—unleashed a flood of connections and validations that continue to unfold.Esclarmonde de Foix and the Magdalene Lineage: A spiritual and ancestral thread weaving across centuries, from the Cathars to the Divine Feminine.The Transformative Power of the Cave: How stepping into darkness—literal and metaphorical—is the path to profound rebirth, inspired by Magdalene’s time in the sacred caves of France.History’s Echoes in Our Modern World: Why the shadows of the Inquisition—control, division, and fear—are still alive today and what we must learn to break free.Pluto in Aquarius and the Cosmic Alchemy of Change: The astrological shifts guiding this moment of collective and personal transformation, and why they’re calling us to embrace the unknown.The Alchemical Process of Becoming: How destruction can pave the way for rebirth, and why you might be feeling like the caterpillar dissolving into goo in its chrysalis.Episode Timestamps:Intro + Feedback from Episode 1: 00:00 – 11:52Storytime: Personal Synchronicities After Part One: 11:37 – 33:03Part 1: Chaos Theory and the Butterfly Effect: 33:03 – 38:03Part 2: Esclarmonde’s Call and the White Dove Synchronicity: 38:03 – 47:59Part 3: The Magdalene Connection: 48:01 – 01:05:07Part 4: Historical Echoes and the Inquisition of the Soul: 01:05:07 – 01:20:21Part 5: The Magdalene as Antidote (The Cosmic Marriage of Energies): 01:20:21 – 01:32:39Part 6: Pluto in Aquarius: Alchemy, Revolution, and the Gatekeepers of Normal: 01:32:39 – 01:38:56Conclusion + Invocation: 01:38:56 – EndDive deeper into my work at backfromtheborderline.com.