Back From The Borderline

If you’ve spent any time on Instagram’s weird, wonderful and niche corners, chances are high that you’ve seen one of Aiden Arata’s memes. Her work moves past the usual surface-level social media irony and plunges into the intersection where humor, psychic distress, and cultural commentary meet. Aiden’s debut book You Have a New Memory has been making waves, and for good reason. It’s hard to describe exactly what it is. Part essay collection, part dream logic, but in the end it reads kind of like a portal. And in a world where all the content we see is polished, branded, and performed for the algorithmic gods, her voice cuts through all the bullshit in the best possible way. In this conversation, Aiden and I sat down to talk about how her book came to life, the strange intimacy of online performance, and the parts of ourselves we leave behind when we grow past a digital persona. We also dive into how platforms shape our identity, how performance can end up becoming our personality, and what it takes to create something that doesn’t need to sell itself. There’s a lot here about self-loathing, humor, privacy, and art-making in the hot mess of our current attention economy. If you’ve ever tried to integrate your past self into your current work, or felt haunted by the person people think you still are, this episode will likely hit for you in a major way. In this conversation, Aiden and I get into: How “Hot Mess Aiden” shaped the tone and form of her writingWhy the book mimics memory more than narrativeThe shift from confessional content to private creative processThe internet’s shift from Tumblr girl energy to brand identity performanceThe loneliness of constant engagement and follower analyticsWhat it means to stop oversharing without disappearing entirelyHow to live online without being consumed by it entirelyThe psychic pressure of being seen only through an old selfExplore Aiden’s workFind Aiden on Instagram: @aidenarataSubscribe to her Substack: aidenarata.substack.comBuy her book You Have a New Memory and explore more at: aidenarata.com⟁ UNLOCK BONUS EPISODES, VOICE NOTES & THE FULL ARCHIVE // Join the BFTB  Patreon community and become a Premium Submarine, where you’ll unlock hundreds of hours of paywalled content I’ve been building since 2021. Visit backfromtheborderline.com for free resources, updates, and everything else I offer. Or go straight to patreon.com/backfromtheborderline to join now. Once you’re in, you’ll get a private feed you can add to Spotify, Apple, or your favorite podcast app, so you can listen to every episode I’ve ever released, all in one place. ⟁

This episode is a deep dive into the psychological, spiritual, and mythic roots of people-pleasing and why this pattern exists in the first place. We explore how early childhood conditioning teaches us that love must be earned through caretaking, emotional labor, and self-erasure. From there, we dissect the roles many of us take on - empath, gifted child, good daughter - and trace how these identities shape our nervous systems and relationships long into adulthood.We go beyond pop psychology and talk about the less acknowledged side of people-pleasing: its deeply controlling nature. When love becomes transactional, we confuse being needed with being safe. We unpack the fantasy of managing other people’s emotions to keep chaos at bay, and how this behavior can evolve into resentment, burnout, and even serious health consequences. We also discuss the smother-mother archetype, what it looks like in relationships, and how people-pleasing patterns get passed down generationally, often with the best of intentions.This episode offers a way out. We walk through how to interrupt the reflex to soothe, fix, and explain. If you’ve felt trapped in your role as the emotional anchor for everyone else, this conversation might give you language for something you’ve always felt but never fully understood. It’s time to finally step out of the performance and learn to live a life that’s fully yours. GO DEEPER WITH HUNDREDS OF BONUS EPISODES + WEEKLY PATHWORK PROMPTS. Unlock my FULL ARCHIVE of members-only content + Patreon exclusives:PATHWORK → Weekly self-inquiry prompts to turn insight into transformation.THE CONSCIOUSNESS STREAM → Raw, unfiltered deep dives.THE DEEP CUT → Structured breakdowns of esoteric + psychological themes.BONUS EPISODES + RESOURCES → Hundreds of hours of hidden gems.Start exploring right now for FREE and see everything waiting for you at backfromtheborderline.com.

There are some episodes that meet you where you are. This is not one of those. This episode is for those standing at the threshold where healing is no longer purely about “symptom relief” and starts becoming a deeper confrontation with reality itself. If you’re beginning to sense that “the work” isn’t as simple as a life-long unpacking of what happened to you, but instead a process of becoming the kind of psyche that can hold complexity without shutting down, this conversation will have arrived right on time. We’ll spend this entire episode talking about Paradox as a living structure within the mind. Drawing from the work of Elaine Pagels, we’ll explore how the confrontation with polar opposites (sanity and madness, suffering and meaning, spiritual sovereignty and communal longing, control and surrender) drives the intellect into exhaustion and invites a different kind of knowing. And I believe that it is this exact kind of knowing that leads to spiritual and emotional growth that leads to what we call “awakening,” This is the lived experience of anyone trying to walk the long and painful path from fragmentation to wholeness.We also explore the archetypal tensions inside many of you. The Rebel Mystic who trusts intuition but distrusts systems, the Exile who craves belonging but resists conformity, the Alchemist who transforms pain while secretly fearing they’re beyond repair. Often we treat these tensions like problems to fix instead of what they really are: the terrain of psychological maturity. And learning to hold them without forcing resolution may be the most advanced spiritual work of all.This episode will not be for everyone. Some will hear it and feel nothing. Others will feel recognized in a way that changes how they see themselves forever. If you’re in the latter group, you’ll know. For those with ears to hear, this is the one you might return to again and again. You won’t find answers, but you will find the rare permission to live inside the questions. That’s the secret sauce. To unlock the full version of this conversation, visit patreon.com/backfromtheborderline using your browser and search the title of the episode.

Family dynamics shape us long after we’ve left home, but not always in ways we can see. This episode examines what happens when we internalize the unresolved patterns of our caregivers and carry them into adulthood as unconscious coping mechanisms. Through a personal story about a mother’s metaphor for surviving paternal rage, we look closely at how well-meaning messages can become long-term psychic scripts that teaching us self-abandonment. Rather than demonizing our parents or recommending “no contact” as the only solution, this conversation takes a symbolic and esoteric approach to breaking generational patterns. Drawing from Jungian analysis, initiatory frameworks, and contemplative Christianity, we’ll explore what it means to undergo a symbolic death of the child-self and rise into the archetype of the truth-seer: a person who can discern subtle danger, resist inherited scripts, and respond to life with conscious integrity.This is a path for those who feel stuck between blaming their parents and becoming them and who want to transform family pain without burning everything down.WHAT YOU’LL LEARN IN THIS EPISODE:How internalized “inner parents” shape your adult relationships and self-conceptWhy estrangement or “no contact” alone doesn’t resolve inherited traumaWhat it means to collude with violation, and how to interrupt the patternHow the archetype of the “truth-seer” can guide you into emotional maturityWhy symbolic separation (and not just physical distance) is key to growthHow resurrection myths (especially the Christ story) offer a map for individuation✧ WANT THE FULL EPISODE? ✧ Every other week, I release extended, premium episodes exclusively on Patreon. If you’ve found value in what you’ve heard so far, you can unlock the full version by visiting patreon.com/backfromtheborderline or clicking the link above. Just search the episode title and dive in. This podcast is how I support my family. It’s my full-time work. Aside from a few dynamically inserted ads, it’s made possible ENTIRELY  by listener support. I already share hours of free content each week, and premium episodes like this help me keep going without having to sell out my voice. If you believe in the value of this work, joining my Patreon is the most direct way to sustain it.Pro Tip: iPhone users should sign up through a browser (Safari or Chrome) to avoid Apple’s extra fees.

Age-gap relationships have been romanticized, normalized, and quietly accepted across pop culture, media, and even personal memory. But at what cost? In this episode, I take you into the psychological and emotional undercurrent of adult–teen relationships and age-gap dynamics, unpacking how power, control, fantasy, and arrested development often hide beneath the surface of what gets labeled as “mutual” or “consensual.” Drawing from my personal experiences, the fashion and entertainment industries, and the digital spaces where grooming quietly thrives, I explore how grooming doesn’t always look like violence, but instead looks like validation, mentorship, and admiration. But the result is almost almost confusion, shame, and psychic dislocation. And for many, it takes years to recognize what really happened. This episode also speaks directly to those who have experienced these dynamics - whether online, in professional settings, or in relationships they once believed were love. Through story, analysis, and cultural unpacking, I offer a framework that helps us stop minimizing these experiences, and start calling them out for what they actually were. And for those in age-gap relationships now, I also open a space for nuance: when it can work, why it rarely does, and what psychological ingredients are truly required for emotional equality in those dynamics. What You’ll Learn in This Episode:Why age-gap relationships are rarely mutual, even when they appear consensualHow grooming often begins with flattery, attention, and emotional bondingThe psychological traits of adults who pursue much younger partnersHow industries like fashion, film, and online queer communities create cover for exploitationWhy legal adulthood at 18 doesn’t equate to emotional or psychological readinessWhat “arrested development” looks like in romantic and sexual dynamicsSigns of a healthy vs. unhealthy age-gap relationship (and the hidden emotional costs associated with them)How spiritual loneliness and early alienation make young people vulnerable to older validationTo explore more on sex, relationships, and emotional maturity, head to Patreon.com/backfromtheborderline and navigate to the Sex + Relationships collection under the browser’s Collections tab. You can also find my curated book list and other healing resources at backfromtheborderline.com.

In a world where the day begins with blinking notifications and ends with unanswered messages, many of us are carrying an invisible weight. This episode examines the psychological and physiological cost of always being available and why the pressure to respond is quietly rewiring our nervous systems. From the dopamine mechanics of unread messages to the guilt spiral of delayed replies, we explore how digital communication has become an endless loop that never truly resolves.Through lived experience and cultural observation, we unpack the silent labor behind texting, the emotional taxation of voice notes, and the internalized expectations that shape how we relate to others online. It’s an honest invitation to step back, set boundaries without guilt, and consider the possibility that your nervous system is asking for something quieter.What you’ll learn in this episode:Why digital communication feels like a to-do list your brain can’t closeHow the myth of “Inbox Zero” keeps you trapped in an endless loopThe psychological cost of “mutual awareness” in texting cultureWhat invisible labor looks like in a high-volume digital worldWhy guilt and avoidance often stem from internalized expectationsHow to take conscious control of your responsiveness without disconnecting from your lifeWhy silence may be the missing element your nervous system needs✧ WANT THE FULL EPISODE? ✧ Every other week, I release extended, premium episodes exclusively on Patreon. If you’ve found value in what you’ve heard so far, you can unlock the full version by visiting patreon.com/backfromtheborderline. Just search the episode title and dive in. This podcast is how I support my family. It’s my full-time work. Aside from a few dynamically inserted ads, it’s made possible ENTIRELY by listener support. I already share hours of free content each week, and premium episodes like this help me keep going without having to sell out my voice. If you believe in the value of this work, joining my Patreon is the most direct way to sustain it.Pro Tip: iPhone users should sign up through a browser (Safari or Chrome) to avoid Apple’s extra fees.

Psychological astrologer Dr. Laurence Hillman returns to the podcast for a rare, unfiltered conversation on desire, danger, and the archetypal forces that shape our lives beneath the surface. We dive deep into the myth of Persephone, the shadow of the lover archetype, and the cultural fear of Hades from both a literal and symbolic perspective. We also explore why we are drawn to unsafe situations even when our intuition warns us, how we mistake power for love, and what it means to become conscious of the gods we’re enacting, whether or not we realize it.With vulnerability and precision, the episode moves through themes like female rites of passage, the erotic pull of the underworld, religious repression, motherhood, aesthetic agency, and what it takes to keep Venus alive in a domesticated world. Laurence speaks to the difference between being “done by” archetypal forces and learning to work with them intentionally. Together, we sketch a vision of spiritual adulthood that doesn’t rely on victimhood or ego, but an embodied middle way. If you’re craving a conversation that cuts through noise and speaks directly to your inner alchemist, look no further.In this episode, you’ll learn:How female desire gets distorted in a culture that represses both eros and complexityThe difference between Venus as beauty and Venus as a living energy that must be consciously welcomed into our livesHow to begin working with archetypal forces as active co-creatorsWhy collective fear of depth shows up as purity culture, repression, and spiritual bypassingWhat it means to bring erotic presence back into long-term love and partnershipHow unresolved desire turns into performance, numbness, or compulsive reenactmentWhy Laurence says, “You can’t domesticate Venus,” and what that truth asks of usThe difference between trauma reenactment and a descent journey that leads to wisdomHow archetypal astrology reveals our hidden patterns and invites us into symbolic adulthoodWhat it looks like to reimagine spirituality beyond binaries of sin vs. virtue, ego vs. victim, lust vs. love→ Connect with Laurence and dive into his work at laurencehillman.com.→ Click here to listen to my first conversation with Laurence or search “Show Me Your Scars and I’ll Show You How Deep You Are” on your favorite podcast player to find the episode. Unlock my FULL ARCHIVE of members-only content + Patreon exclusives:PATHWORK → Monthly self-inquiry prompts to turn insight into transformation.THE CONSCIOUSNESS STREAM → Raw, unfiltered deep dives.THE DEEP CUT → Structured breakdowns of esoteric + psychological themes.BONUS EPISODES + RESOURCES → Hundreds of hours of hidden gems.Start exploring right now for FREE and see everything waiting for you at backfromtheborderline.com.

Many of us find healing through learning about trauma - especially childhood emotional neglect, dysfunctional family systems, and the lasting impact of parental misattunement. That language can bring relief, perspective, and a sense of validation. But over time, it can also shape how we remember the past in ways we don’t always notice.In this episode, I explore how the process of trauma recovery can quietly distort memory, leading us to overlook the real moments of joy, connection, and care that existed alongside the pain.I share my own experience of getting stuck in the all-trauma lens, how that shaped my identity for a while, and what it took to begin the slow (and painful) process of moving into emotional adulthood. We’ll talk about the difference between trauma literacy and trauma identification, the psychology of memory and how it works, and why psychological integration requires remembering both what hurt and what didn’t. This conversation also looks at how cultural narratives around severance, no-contact, and scapegoating parents can become another form of stuckness. I reflect on what it means to truly grow up (spiritually, emotionally, and relationally) and how remembering the good doesn’t erase the harm. The ability to hold complexity is a true marker of healing. What You’ll Learn in This Episode:How trauma content can quietly reshape your memories over timeWhy emotional adulthood means holding grief and joy at the same timeThe difference between trauma literacy and trauma identificationHow cutoff culture online encourages black-and-white thinking about familyWhat Jung’s “divine child” archetype can teach us about growing upWhy remembering good memories is part of psychological integrationHow over-identifying with pain can drain relationships, creativity, and self-trustWhy spiritual maturity requires an aspect of contradiction✧ WANT THE FULL EPISODE? ✧ Every other week, I release extended, premium episodes exclusively on Patreon. If you’ve found value in what you’ve heard so far, you can unlock the full version by visiting patreon.com/backfromtheborderline. Just search the episode title and dive in. This podcast is how I support my family. It’s my full-time work. Aside from a few dynamically inserted ads, it’s made possible ENTIRELY by listener support. I already share hours of free content each week, and premium episodes like this help me keep going without having to sell out my voice. If you believe in the value of this work, joining my Patreon is the most direct way to sustain it. Pro Tip: iPhone users should sign up through a browser (Safari or Chrome) to avoid Apple’s extra fees.

Desire is meant to be a creative force. Something within us that fuels connection, expression, intimacy, and imagination. But for many of us, that force has been warped and inverted. That means instead of feeling energized by what we want, we chase it compulsively. We convince ourselves that attention + intensity = love. In the process, we end up exhausted, numb, or locked into patterns that THINK are passionate but instead is just living in survival mode. In this episode, we explore what happens when desire becomes distorted and when it stops being life-GIVING and starts serving the parts of us that are still trying to EARN love, safety, or power. We move beyond diagnostic frameworks and into a more symbolic, metaphysical approach that treats desire as something sacred, but easily rerouted through hunger, grief, or unmet developmental needs.Together, we’ll walk through three common distortions of desire: the hungry ghost self, which seeks constant romantic highs and external validation; the aestheticized self, which curates identity as performance and confuses visibility with intimacy; and the numb hedonist, who turns to pleasure not to feel more, but to feel less. You’ll see that these aren’t character flaws or signs that something is inherently wrong with you, they’re merely coping strategies built from pain.Along the way, we’ll draw from esoteric traditions like the Tree of Life, archetypes like Dionysus and Apollo, and depth psychology’s view of the daimon as the inner force that carries both our gifts and our grief. You’ll learn how distorted desire is a pattern. And the thing about patterns is that they can be recognized, interrupted, and re-aligned.This conversation invites you to trace your desires back to their source and ask what they’ve been trying to TELL you. Not in the language of performance or perfection, but in the quiet truth of what you’ve longed for all along.If you’ve ever felt addicted to intensity, emotionally flat from too much pleasure, or caught in the loop of wanting what harms you, this episode offers a new framework that doesn’t shame desire, but helps you reclaim it.GO DEEPER WITH HUNDREDS OF BONUS EPISODES + WEEKLY PATHWORK PROMPTS. Unlock my FULL ARCHIVE of members-only content + Patreon exclusives:PATHWORK → Weekly self-inquiry prompts to turn insight into transformation.THE CONSCIOUSNESS STREAM → Raw, unfiltered deep dives.THE DEEP CUT → Structured breakdowns of esoteric + psychological themes.BONUS EPISODES + RESOURCES → Hundreds of hours of hidden gems.Start exploring right now for FREE and see everything waiting for you at backfromtheborderline.com.