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AuDHD Flourishing

07 When to Stop the Self-Help

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I'm a naturally growth-oriented person... however, I often find myself changing or "fixing" things that others think are a problem. What happens when I reorient to what's actually important to me?


The self-help industry will happily sell us solutions, whether or not the problem was actually bothering us before we heard about it.


Many of us feel like we're struggling alone. But not only are most people silently struggling, many neurodivergent folks feel that they're uniquely broken. It's such a common experience!


It's totally fine to choose to change something about your life. However, it can be helpful to check in with yourself to make sure it's really what you want.


The questions I offered around choosing to change something (and especially purchasing a self-help product):

  1. Is this actually causing me any harm?
  2. Is it harming anyone at all? If yes, is that harm actually meaningful, or am I mostly being harmed by the shame around it?
  3. If I changed this about myself, what might "better" look like? Is that definition or desire coming from me, or suggestions outside of myself?
  4. Is paying attention to this popular "problem" keeping my attention away from anything deeply important to me? If I didn't put time, attention, or money into this, what might I want to do instead?
  5. If I never changed again, would I (still) love and accept myself?


Here are the messages I need to hear:

  • It's okay to take breaks from personal growth.
  • It's okay to give up on changing things about yourself just because they might make other people more comfortable.
  • It's okay to focus on what your body and mind actually want and need, whether or not those line up with messaging from people around you.
  • I bet you're actually doing a great job with the circumstances you've been given.
  • Even if you never change or fix another thing, I love and accept you.


Full Transcript here


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