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Are We There Yet?

Talking With My Sister Kate

Season 2, Ep. 49

I recorded this episode with my eldest sister Kate last spring but it took some time to edit and release it. Listening to Kate talk about the loss of our mother highlighted for me how completely different our experiences were, largely due to our seven-year age difference but also our attitudes and views on grief, and because she moved to New Zealand and I moved to California when we were both fairly young. Because of these differences and distances, my sister Kate and I have had very few discussions about losing our mother, so this conversation brought up a lot of old feelings. I have a particular idea of grief, which entails processing various feelings over time and eventually forging or cultivating a relationship with the person who died, either through memories, a spiritual connection, or both. But there are certainly many other ways that people view and experience grief that are less about feelings and making conscious decisions about it. It's always good for me to expand my views of how people think about their grief, and this episode did that. I particularly appreciated Kate's perspective on mourning, having lived in New Zealand for most of her life.


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Special thanks to Josephine Wiggs for the song "Time Does Not Bring Relief" from her album "We Fall."

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  • 60. Sitara Falcon

    44:38||Season 3, Ep. 60
    I always enjoy interviewing men because they tend to have a slightly different attitude about trauma and loss. Falcon and his family of four left their home up in the foothills of Altadena late on January 7 when the smoke was already thick and big embers were violently flying through the air. Their home didn't burn, but they could never go back because of the extensive damage and their landlord's decision to sell.Falcon is a TK/Kindergarten teacher, so he understands child development and has valuable insights to share. But on January 7th, he was in survival mode. He didn't think about the effects on his kids of leaving their home in the middle of the night, not knowing if they'd ever come back again.We talked about the gamut of losses, including our favorite hiking trails and the beauty and former vitality of the Altadena community. We all know Altadena will come back, but it will be different, and it will be a long time before people rebuild, and schools and businesses reopen. We had a great discussion about resilience and watching the students of Elliot Arts, whose school burned down, perform Shrek at the Ahmanson Theater in Los Angeles. It was an incredible experience to see the community come together to support kids who lost their school, and many of whom also lost homes.If you would like to support this show, please subscribe to my Substack to receive bi-weekly episodes and occasionally a newsletter in your inbox. You can also support the show monetarily by becoming a paid subscriber there.Special thanks to Josephine Wiggs for the song "Time Does Not Bring Relief" from her album "We Fall."
  • 59. Daryl and Jessica Bilandzija

    48:50||Season 3, Ep. 59
    In this episode, I speak with two parents who lost their home in the Eaton Fire. Daryl and Jessica both teach in the community, so I was eager to find out how they see the kids in our area recovering from the destruction of their homes, schools, neighborhoods, and communities. They shared their unique experience of discovering their house was gone and processing the shock of seeing so many houses destroyed overnight. But they consider themselves lucky and are optimistic about what the future holds for their beloved Altadena. At the same time, they both expressed deep sadness over what has been lost and the many families for whom rebuilding may prove to be too challenging to pull off.I was especially interested to hear how Jessica and Daryl's different schools rose to the occasion and managed to support the kids and families who were directly affected by the fires. Jessica teaches in Pasadena Unified School District, and Daryl is in neighboring La Canada, an affluent district just west of Altadena. I was very happy to hear that, as teachers, they felt supported and were impressed by how well their communities and schools worked together to support everyone who needed it.We talked about the importance of working together to rebuild Altadena with special attention to community members who were residents long before it became a hot real estate market and are struggling to afford to rebuild. We mentioned a project called, "Voices From The Ground," organized by @altagether91001 (Instagram) and supported by My Tribe Rise and the NAACP Pasadena.If you would like to support this show, please subscribe to my Substack receive bi-weekly episodes, and an occasional newsletter in your inbox. You can also support the show monetarily by becoming a paid subscriber there.Special thanks to Josephine Wiggs for the song "Time Does Not Bring Relief" from her album "We Fall."
  • 58. Staci Mitchell

    50:59||Season 3, Ep. 58
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  • 57. Ed Robinson

    54:04||Season 3, Ep. 57
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  • 56. Erin O'Toole-Delawari

    47:12||Season 3, Ep. 56
    I'm so pleased to be able to share this deeply moving interview with Erin O'Toole-Delawari, a teacher and mother of four who lost her home in January when the Eaton Fire tore through her neighborhood. Erin is so thoughtful in her explanation of what happened to her and her family, their trauma responses, and her understanding of those responses now. It's an incredible story of what happens in a natural disaster and how Erin, as a mother and a teacher, carried the responsibility of caring for children and pets in a moment of having no control over what's happening. She talks about going back in the morning while Altadena was still burning, and how they could feel the heat from inside their car, and what it was like to see their home as it smoldered after it burned down. We often hear the word "indescribable" when people talk about grief, but Erin does an amazing job of telling this story in a way that makes me feel I was there. I was also deeply moved by how Erin talked to her students, all of whom were traumatized, about what they all went through.Listening to Erin was very healing for me, as someone who lives close to Altadena and has felt a lot of that communal grief in the months since the fires. I felt validated by the way she described what she did as they were evacuating. It gives me some insight into my planning around such terrible events. If you would like to support this show, please subscribe to my Substack to receive bi-weekly episodes and occasionally a newsletter in your inbox. You can also support the show monetarily by becoming a paid subscriber there.Special thanks to Josephine Wiggs for the song "Time Does Not Bring Relief" from her album "We Fall."
  • 55. Jen and Ted Muller

    42:21||Season 3, Ep. 55
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    38:55||Season 3, Ep. 54
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  • 53. Bonus Episode with Benji Gabler

    43:05||Season 2, Ep. 53
    I recorded this episode with Benji Gabler in October 2024 which seems like a lifetime ago. I had planned to publish it in January and then the fires happened and I shifted gears to try to address the losses of my community. But once I finished season 2 I still wanted to publish this episode with Benji, which is a beautiful conversation about fatherhood as it relates to early loss, something I haven't had an opportunity to address before. Benji lives in Isreal which added another layer of interest for me as I have always admired Jewish traditions around death and mourning. Being a therapist, Benji brought a lot of self-awareness and depth to this conversation and our views on parenting and grief were remarkably in sync. I loved how Benji was able to hold a lot of sadness along with gratitude for the loss of his father when he was just six years old and the way he was supported by his community growing up.If you'd like to learn more about Benji please visit his website https://www.bsgpsychotherapy.com I will be taking a break from the podcast while I work on a mini-season devoted to fire loss and its effects on families and kids. If you would like to support this show, please subscribe to my Substack to receive bi-weekly episodes and occasionally a newsletter in your inbox. You can also support the show monetarily by becoming a paid subscriber there.Special thanks to Josephine Wiggs for the song "Time Does Not Bring Relief" from her album "We Fall."
  • 52. Season 2 Finale With AJ Johnson

    51:42||Season 2, Ep. 52
    For this last episode, I spoke with AJ Johnson about the early loss of her mother when she was 16, as well as how she's navigating the collective grief we're all experiencing here in LA. AJ is a hilarious person, and I was giggling throughout the interview despite the heaviness of this moment in our city. I met AJ at Comfort Zone Camp, so we talked about camp and the tools it has given her to manage her grief from adolescence into adulthood and how she's using those tools now. I especially love how she talks about asking for what you need, which is something I've been learning ever since the wildfires overwhelmed LA a few weeks ago. But AJ had many other anecdotes to share about what she's learned about her grief and how to ask for what she needs.I apologize for the lack of editing on this last episode as my editing platform just stopped working for some unknown reason. So, this is an unedited recording of an awesome conversation. I don't think there is too much I would have taken out other than annoying background sounds, but I would have done that if I could.If you would like to support this show, please subscribe to my Substack to receive bi-weekly episodes and occasionally a newsletter in your inbox. You can also support the show monetarily by becoming a paid subscriber there.Special thanks to Josephine Wiggs for the song "Time Does Not Bring Relief" from her album "We Fall."