Wathnail Rovers

The Beckham’s visit to Wathnail was the biggest thing that has happened to this club since that fateful moment when in the dying minutes of the 1969 season Bobby Slade slipped the ball past Villa goalie John Dunn to secure promotion to the old first division. That was without doubt the happiest moment of my life, but this, this visit from not just one superstar but two, almost, almost, equalled it. What a pleasure to see David and Victoria and their young son Romeo (well not so much the lad if I’m honest). David naturally arrived in the style you’d expect of him, no Premiership Aston rep-mobile Martin for David, no, he roll’s up in a 55 Studebaker convertible, midnight blue with white wall tyres. The both of them, they have that ability to show off wealth with effortless ease, how it should be done (unlike Alan Sugar and his pimp-mobile Rolls, they are like royalty in that respect, never vulgar, always classy. Now the whole town realises full well that they would never have come here apart from the TV programme that David was involved in but that did nothing to dampen the genuine warmth the town showed our golden couple. Local schools declared a half-day holiday, folk from all around lined the route and cheered for all their worth. David took a real interest in the club, so eager to get out onto our pitch and rifle a penalty passed yours truly. Afterward they both them met with local dignitaries, club staff, players and their families for a luxury buffet in the club bar. Although, for reasons I’d rather not divulge I did regrettably have miss the buffet. I did hear however, on the grapevine, that although all our lot’s WAG’S tried desperately to outshine Vicky, she easily saw off the opposition without ever needing to get out of even first gear, well done lass! In all they spent nearly two hours at the club. A large photograph of myself sandwiched between the pair of them mounted in a nice gold frame now has pride of place on my desk, alongside the one of me and Bobby on a victory lap around Villa Park that day in 69.

Love can strike in the most unlikely of circumstances, and so it was for Wathnail Rovers acting club chairman Brian Buttle when on a recent business trip to the Italian Dolomites. Brian went to Italy with the sole intention of securing the return of former club manager Luigi Lambrini, little did he expect that what he’d actually find was love.....amoure. A chance overnight stay in the Hotel Pirlo situated adjacent to the town piazza is where he met her, Isadora, a woman who was to re-light the flame within him, a flame he’d imagined long extinguished. Brian returned home completely smitten and with a steely determination that he and his new love should start a new life together. However there was one major obstacle to his dream in the formidable shape of Mrs Buttle. A divorce would be messy and ultimately he knew very costly for him, but he had to do something, he couldn’t just let her go. Lambrini Returns! Good cheer for all Wathnail fans, OK so it’s not actually Luigi who is coming back to Rovers as club manager but his twin brother Carlo. We here at Wathnail are all convinced that Carlo can emulate the success that his brother enjoyed at his short stint at the club when we actually made the League Two play offs. Carlo’s immediate aim is to go one better and to guide the club to automatic promotion in his first year, we of course all wish him well in his quest and here’s hoping Carlo!

Episode 1. With Rovers climbing the League under new ownership and the inspirational leadership of a young Italian manager Luigi Lambrini, what could possibly go wrong?

Brian is forced to resign his Chairmanship of the football club amid the impending release from a Malaysian jail of club owner Tony Chu Fat. However when one door closes another often opens and the untimely death of the sitting local MP presents Brian with the opportunity of selection as the Conservative party candidate to contest the by-election. Can Brian wrest the Labour stronghold of Wathnail & the Bythers away from his Socialist opponent? Tory central office have written off any chance of taking the seat, but Brian is nothing if not resourceful.

Wathnail club Chairman Brian Buttle falls foul of a dangerous gangster when his nephew's gambling debts spiral out of control. Will he fight fire with fire? Or will he give way to this vicious gangland hoodlum? As ever faithful sidekick Colin Crippen is on hand with some useful 'advice'. Listen to see if the pair of them can get to grips with a Geezer who might be big screen brooding tough guy Ray Winstone, or might not be!

With their beloved Wathnail teetering on the brink of relegation out of the football league, Brian and Colin are forced into ever more desperate efforts to avoid playing in the Conference. The boys pay a visit to Wathnails foremost Spiritualist Medium, Madame Platypus, in the hope that her guidance may help them turn around the clubs fortunes.

Every football club has a bogey team, a side that for no explicable reason you just cannot seem to beat. Sometimes the Hoodoo will continue on for year after year, the hill getting steeper and steeper each time you face them until eventually it feels more like a mountain. For Wathnail Rovers it has always been the infamous Rochdale curse. Rochdale could have put out their reserve team, youth team or even their ‘legends’ team and still win. In fact Rovers had never beaten them, in 75 prior meetings, Rochdale winning over sixty of the games and drawing the rest. Faced with a crucially important league game at Spotlands a couple of years back, Chairman Brian Buttle decided on a drastic measure to try and break the jinx and enlisted the help of a local celebrated medium/healer Madame Platypus. No one really knows what it was she conjured up that day, but the Rovers side that took to the pitch showed such steely determination and purpose to finally bury the curse for good. Are there really such things as curses? Surely they are no more than statistical coincidence? Did Mdme P break the Hoodoo?

Wathnail Rovers are in the deep shit. Facing a crucial home league game against bottom club Hartlepool United, caretaker manager Colin Crippen is desperate for a result. With ‘Pool’ coming into form in recent weeks and Rovers sliding alarmingly, the match is all set to be a crucial ‘six pointer. The clubs big signing former premier league star Alphonso DeFabian is struggling with his fitness and doubtful for the game. Sensing that the team are going to need a huge performance from their talisman, club chairman Brian Buttle hatches an elaborate plot to fool the player into lining up for the game. Can Wathnail grab the all important three points? Will Alphonso last the full 90 minutes? And more importantly just how will this infamously bad tempered enigma of a man react when he finds out that he has in fact been duped? Find out the answers below, listen to The Big Match.