Torque

Langa Mthethwa wasn’t at rock bottom.He was doing well at work, keeping it together, exercising through the week.But every Friday to Sunday, the pattern kicked in. Heavy drinking from Friday night into Saturday, up again by 10 or 11 on Saturday morning, through the day, out again Saturday night, hair of the dog on Sunday, and by Monday he was shot. By Wednesday he’d feel normal again — just in time for the cycle to start over.He calls it the middle lane. Successful on paper. Not in crisis. Not at rock bottom. Just stuck — and silently struggling.In this conversation, Langa traces his relationship with alcohol from his first sip of his uncle’s beer at 11, through his teens in London, drinking Super Skull before his GCSE maths exam, through a Zimbabwean cultural landscape in which drinking was deeply embedded, through his twenties and thirties, to the morning of the 10th of March 2024 when he looked in the mirror and said: I cannot feel like this anymore.He also talks about the FA Cup final moment — the first time, months into sobriety, that he knew exactly who he was without a drink in his hand. About identity versus willpower. About why change that’s attached to who you are is more sustainable than change built on resistance. And about what he now does to help other men step out of the middle lane and into the next version of themselves.Timestamps00:53 Coming Up — Langa’s Story01:22 Follow the Show01:35 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Langa04:05 The Middle Lane05:09 Heavy Drinking — What That Actually Meant05:58 The Loop — Friday to Sunday and Back Again06:37 COVID and the Start of the Escalation06:44 How It Started — First Sip at 1108:12 The False Confidence Alcohol Gave Him09:00 Drinking Before the GCSE Maths Exam09:55 His Dad’s Silent Acceptance13:07 Boarding School in Zimbabwe — Sent to Understand His Culture17:40 Zimbabwean Drinking Culture19:20 Work Hard, Drink Hard, Repeat21:40 The Job That Lost Its Meaning23:15 The Pursuit of Pleasure vs the Absence of Joy24:53 What the Drinking Was Filling — Meaning, Presence, Consistency25:41 Not at Rock Bottom — But Not Thriving Either27:00 Keeping It Together While Sabotaging Your Potential28:00 The 10th of March 2024 — Looking in the Mirror29:08 Day at a Time, Weekend at a Time — The Decision29:32 The Soba App — Blue Days and Red Days32:03 Filling Life with Things That Had Meaning32:58 The FA Cup Final — The Moment He Knew Who He Was Without a Drink34:06 Change Is More Sustainable When It’s Attached to Identity, Not Willpower35:17 The Lightbulb — Finding His Purpose36:18 Identity vs Willpower — Dom and Langa Discuss40:22 Limiting Beliefs and the Inner Critic41:30 Physical Health — Training, Sleep, Diet42:10 Values — Who You Are When Nobody’s Watching43:14 Langa’s Call to Action — How to Find Him45:02 Dom’s Closing Reflection — Identity, Not WillpowerYou can find Langa at http://www.langamthethwa.comhttps://www.instagram.com/bettermebetteryou_langahttps://www.linkedin.com/in/langa-mthethwa-356811a9tiktok.com/@langstr7PREVIOUS EPISODES - From Patrol To Podium - Torque | AcastDebunking Sleep Myths - Torque | AcastLessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | AcastDiving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | AcastOff Screen - Torque | AcastDo You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | AcastWhat Makes A Man? Part 1 - From Anger to Understanding, A Journey of Growth - Torque | AcastWhat Makes A Man? Part 2 - Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging Misogyny - Torque | AcastMan Rebuilt - Torque | AcastRegaining a Zest for Life and coming back from Burnout - Torque | AcastNo Risk, No Story - the Life of AI Entrepreneur and zally Founder, Patrick Smith - Torque | AcastHappiness at Work: The Five Things You Need To Feel Happy in Your Job - Richard Clarke, the Entrepreneur with one KPI - Torque | Acast

Episode 12Happiness at Work: The Five Things You Need To Feel Happy in Your Job - Richard Clarke, the Entrepreneur with one KPIGuest: Richard Clarke — keynote speaker, consultant and former tech company founderEpisode DescriptionRichard Clarke spent four years teaching water skiing in Turkey, sailing in the Caribbean, traveling through Australia and Asia — all in pursuit of a single question: what actually makes me happy? When the answer turned out to be making other people happy, he came home, became a teacher, moved to Gran Canaria, and in 2014 became founder of a tech company with an unusual KPI. Not revenue. Not growth. Team happiness.For the next ten years he experimented as an entrepreneur on his own team, testing everything from meeting design to what food to serve at breakfast, to no-meeting Fridays, to flexible working, to turning down clients who weren’t a good fit for the culture. When he sent out an engagement survey two years in and 50% of his team said they wanted to leave, it taught him something important: you can’t replace good management with free stuff.Last year, Richard sold the company. He describes handing it over as feeling like putting his daughter on a plane to Peru — the same loss of something he’d built and loved that he couldn’t control anymore.In this conversation, Richard talks about the five things every workplace needs to make people genuinely happy — safety, community, autonomy, learning and purpose — and why they aren’t just workplace needs. He talks about job crafting, about the difference between British and Spanish working culture, about what Gen Z are getting right that previous generations were too scared to ask for, and about what Richard would tell you to do if you’re not happy at work right now.Timestamps02:37 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Richard03:44 What Led Him to Put Happiness at the Core of His Business03:58 The Careers Advisor Who Changed Everything — Just Do Something That Makes You Happy06:01 The Morning on the Beach in Thailand When He Knew It Was Over08:03 2014: Founding a Tech Company with Happiness as the KPI08:23 Nobody Believed Him — The Theory Nobody Would Fund09:18 The Engagement Survey Two Years In — 50% Wanted to Leave10:44 What He Did Wrong12:17 What He Did Right15:20 Spanish vs British Working Culture17:00 Was He Happy While Running a Happiness Company?18:28 Why He Sold20:31 How the Team Reacted22:14 Setting Red Lines Before the Sale25:18 How He Dealt with the Loss — Talking to People26:14 The One Thing Happiness Couldn’t Fix28:12 Happiness as KPI Alongside Profit, Not Instead Of30:00 Did Men and Women Need Different Things?30:37 The Five Things — Safety, Community, Autonomy, Learning, Purpose31:14 Age as the Bigger Differentiator — Young Parents Needed Flexibility31:51 What Individuals Can Do for Themselves — The 50 Words Exercise33:04 Job Crafting — Adapting Your Role Around Your Needs35:04 What Schools in Africa Taught Him About Purpose37:10 What Richard Would Tell You If You’re Not Happy at Work38:30 What Good Management Actually Looks Like40:10 Autonomy — Trust People or Lose Them41:27 Gen Z — Not Different, Just Braver at Asking42:44 What a Good Day Looks Like for Richard43:05 Dom’s Closing ReflectionYou can find Richard on LinkedIn atRichard Clarke | LinkedInPREVIOUS EPISODES - From Patrol To Podium - Torque | AcastDebunking Sleep Myths - Torque | AcastLessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | AcastDiving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | AcastOff Screen - Torque | AcastDo You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | AcastWhat Makes A Man? Part 1 - From Anger to Understanding, A Journey of Growth - Torque | AcastWhat Makes A Man? Part 2 - Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging Misogyny - Torque | AcastMan Rebuilt - Torque | AcastRegaining a Zest for Life and coming back from Burnout - Torque | AcastNo Risk, No Story - the Life of AI Entrepreneur and zally Founder, Patrick Smith - Torque | Acast

Episode 11No Risk, No StoryThe Life of AI Entrepreneur and zally Founder, Patrick SmithGuest: Patrick Smith — entrepreneur, AI specialist and founder of zallyEpisode DescriptionPatrick Smith started his first two businesses at the age of ten — a website-building operation for his dad’s friends and a DJ booking agency, with his mum driving the equipment to school discos in the back of the car. By 13 he was being paid professionally as a DJ and lying about his age to get the gigs. By 25 he had built and lost eleven ventures. He took full ownership of every one of them and saw each failure as training.Born in Oslo to a family with entrepreneurship in its DNA — his great-grandfather built 40 bespoke tailoring businesses across Europe before the war stripped them away — Patrick has since built and exited multiple companies, moved to London knowing nobody, then Manchester, and is now based between Manchester and San Francisco building zally, a behavioural AI company working on what he describes as giving technology the one thing it lacks: intuition.In this conversation, Patrick talks about what it actually costs to be a founder — on your family, your friendships, your mental health. About the sacrifices his wife and children make so he can build. About the eleven failures before 25, and what each one taught him. About stopping drinking four years ago, treating himself like an athlete, and counting bad days rather than good ones. About the personal story behind zally — his mother’s death from cancer, his father’s dementia, and a problem with passwords that became a business.And about why, when you ask a billionaire in San Francisco why they’re doing it again, they always give you the same answer: I don’t know anything else.Timestamps00:33 Introducing Patrick Smith — zally Founder, AI Entrepreneur02:00 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Patrick04:08 What Drove Him — Intrinsic or External?04:14 Born in Oslo, Born an Entrepreneur05:22 Building Websites at Ten — HTML for Dummies on Holiday05:51 Where Did It Come From?07:38 Would He Let His Own Daughter Do the Same?08:53 Eleven Failures Before 25 — What Did He Learn?09:45 The Biggest Lesson — Bring People In Earlier, Ask for Help11:14 How Do You Deal with Failure Personally?11:40 The UK vs US Attitude to Failure12:25 The More Chaos Around Him, the Calmer He Becomes14:07 What Is the Personal Cost of Founder Life?14:52 No Time for Friends, Family Sacrifice — What Are They Giving Up?15:29 30 Mortgages Depending on Him Every Month16:00 Balance Doesn’t Exist — You Need Harmony17:28 The No Risk, No Story Tattoo18:52 Landed in London Knowing Nobody, Then Manchester, Now San Francisco19:02 Who Do You Turn to When Things Are Tough?20:43 Stopping Drinking, Treating Himself Like an Athlete22:00 What Does a Bad Day Look Like?23:06 Learn to Dance in the Rain23:51 Building a Startup Is Like Jumping From a Mountain24:34 In San Francisco, Money Isn’t the Motivator25:47 Money Doesn’t Solve Your Purpose26:47 AI and the Fear of Job Losses — His View28:46 Humans in the Loop — Why That Matters30:45 What Future Does He Want for His Children?32:57 Lost His Thursday, Friday and Saturday Nights at 1337:49 The Personal Story Behind zally — His Mother’s Death and His Father’s Dementia38:28 Passwords, Dementia, and a Better Way to Authenticate Users39:21 How zally Works in Practice40:39 Dom’s Closing ReflectionYou can find Patrick and zally atPatrick Smith | LinkedInBehavioral AI LabInstagramPREVIOUS EPISODES - From Patrol To Podium - Torque | AcastDebunking Sleep Myths - Torque | AcastLessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | AcastDiving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | AcastOff Screen - Torque | AcastDo You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | AcastWhat Makes A Man? Part 1 - From Anger to Understanding, A Journey of Growth - Torque | AcastWhat Makes A Man? Part 2 - Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging Misogyny - Torque | AcastMan Rebuilt - Torque | AcastRegaining a Zest for Life and coming back from Burnout - Torque | Acast

Episode 10Regaining a Zest for Life and coming back from BurnoutGuest: Jason Renshaw Also featuring: Francis Norton — BACP accredited counsellor, burnout specialistEpisode DescriptionJason Renshaw is 53, married to Tracy for 28 years, father to a 13-year-old daughter and a Star Wars collector with 35 years at the same accountancy firm. Last year he suffered what he calls a breakdown. He didn’t see it coming — something that built quietly for years but he kept pushing through anyway.In this conversation, Jason talks about the morning in December 2025 when he woke up feeling nothing. About the two nights before that he couldn’t sleep. About the dark thoughts that crept in. About how he went straight to work and broke down in front of his boss because he couldn’t face going home and worrying his wife. About the gap between being the dependable guy, the one who gets things done, and the man who was quietly falling apart.Jason also talks about what has helped — the small changes, the impact of Andy’s Man Club, the conversations he’d never had before, the vitamin deficiencies nobody had flagged, the department move that lifted the weight from his head almost instantly. And what he wishes someone had simply asked him earlier.Burnout specialist and BACP accredited counsellor Francis Norton then joins to explain what burnout actually is, how to recognise it before it becomes a crisis, and why men in particular find it so hard to act on what they’re feeling until it’s already too late.Timestamps00:00 Introduction — How Do You Recognise Burnout Before It’s Too Late?01:00 Introducing Jason Renshaw03:44 No Father Figure — Growing Up Self-Reliant04:30 When Did He First Know Something Was Wrong?05:19 The Two Nights Before — Numbness, Dark Thoughts05:55 When Did He Last Feel the Spark?07:26 COVID Was When It Started — Seven Days a Week, Relentless08:30 Imposter Syndrome Kicks In09:52 The Root of It — Feeling Forgotten About as a Child11:12 What the Breakdown Taught Him About Himself12:10 Paying Off the Mortgage — and Losing His Purpose13:51 What Made It Harder — and What He Wishes He’d Known16:06 Childhood Self-Reliance Following Him Into Work18:07 Reconnecting with His Real Father — and Ghosting Him20:55 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Jason22:44 Part Two — What Does Day-to-Day Recovery Look Like?24:00 Medication24:26 Reconnecting with Hobbies, Family and Life25:30 Andy’s Man Club — He Was Not Alone27:20 Mr Reliable, the Guy Who Doesn’t Say No28:32 He Hadn’t Told Anyone — Not Even His Wife30:20 What Would He Have Wanted to Hear?32:30 The Power of Saying No36:01 How Does the Future Feel Now?37:29 What Is Burnout? The WHO Definition38:30 Exhaustion That a Holiday Doesn’t Fix39:20 Negativity as a Physiological Threat Response40:28 How to Recognise Burnout in Yourself41:30 Brain Fog, Dread, Procrastination — the Signs43:00 Freudenberger’s Twelve Stages of Burnout — and Where Jason Fits44:38 Depression as Opportunity — Coming Out with New Values45:20 What Can People Do to Avoid Reaching That Point?46:10 Why Men Find It Harder to Be Vulnerable46:32 Dom’s Closing ReflectionResourcesAndy’s Man Club — free peer-to-peer support groups for men aged 18 and over, held every Monday evening across the UK:ANDYSMANCLUB - It's Okay To TalkIf you are struggling with dark thoughts or need to talk to someone urgently, the Samaritans are available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week: 116 123You can find Francis Norton at Home | BurnoutCounsellingPREVIOUS EPISODES - From Patrol To Podium - Torque | AcastDebunking Sleep Myths - Torque | AcastLessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | AcastDiving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | AcastOff Screen - Torque | AcastDo You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | AcastWhat Makes A Man? Part 1 - From Anger to Understanding, A Journey of Growth - Torque | AcastWhat Makes A Man? Part 2 - Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging Misogyny - Torque | AcastMan Rebuilt - Torque | Acast

Episode 9Man RebuiltGuest: Jonny Stannard — health, fitness and mindset coach, creator of Man RebuiltEpisode DescriptionJonny Stannard grew up above pubs, hotels and nightclubs in Lancashire. His parents were always working, structure was absent, and from early adolescence he was left largely to his own devices. At twelve he was drinking. By his mid-thirties, he was a fitness professional with a business, a wife, a daughter — and a Saturday night habit he couldn't shake.This is a conversation about what chaos does to a kid, what it takes to rebuild yourself as a man, and why willpower alone is never enough. Jonny talks about the limiting beliefs he developed as a child, how alcohol became his substitute for connection, and what eventually made him stop. He also talks about the work he does now through Man Rebuilt — helping men who are busy, stressed, out of shape and self-sabotaging to get what they want out of their lives.It's an honest, grounded conversation about identity, internal dialogue, discipline, and what it actually looks like when a man decides to change.Timestamps01:42  One Word for His Upbringing — Chaotic03:00  What Was Missing — Structure, Not Stuff03:48  Violence, Drama and a Nervous System on Edge05:05  Old School Parenting — Pros and Cons06:10  The Limiting Beliefs That Formed07:50  Seeing Men Deal with Emotions in the Pub09:08  Drinking Started at 12 — The Obvious Thing to Do11:38  No Man's Land — 16 to 2013:27  Training Changed Things — A Bit of Self-Respect15:02  What Inspired Him to Exercise More16:14  Alcohol Was Still Always There17:35  Living Two Lives — Monday to Friday vs the Weekend20:45  The Trigger — Not Being Present with His Daughter22:38  Scared of What Other People Would Think24:21  What Happened When He Finally Stopped25:34  Sunday Morning with Options — The Pull of Sobriety27:22  Man Rebuilt — What It Is and Who It's For30:04  The Connection Point — Why Men Need More Than the Pub30:58  What Triggers Men to Seek Help32:50  The Biggest Resistance — Fear of Judgment and Fear of Failure34:50  If You Keep Breaking Promises to Yourself36:00  What Rebuilding Actually Looks Like38:06  Why Six to Twelve Months Changes Everything39:27  Fitness Is a Force Multiplier40:30  The Little Boy Is Still There — And That's Fine41:30  Where to Find Jonny41:46  Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Jonny Stannard43:16  Dom's TakeawayYou can find Jonny athttps://manrebuilt.com/aboutInstagram

Episode 8Navigating Masculinity Part 2Raising Awareness on Coercive Control and Challenging MisogynyGuest: Andrew ‘Bernie’ Bernard — speaker, author and educatorTrigger WarningThis episode contains a continuation of Bernie’s story about his testicular cancer and the harrowing account of his sister Sarah’s murder by her abusive partner in 2012. If either of these subject matters are sensitive to you, please think carefully before listening.If This Episode Has Raised Issues for YouIf you or someone you know has been affected by domestic abuse or coercive control, the following organisations can help:National Domestic Abuse Helpline (Refuge): 0808 2000 247 — free, 24 hours a dayMen’s Advice Line: 0808 801 0327Coercive control information: refuge.org.ukEpisode DescriptionIn the second part of the conversation with Andrew ‘Bernie’ Bernard, the tone shifts. Bernie picks up from where Episode 7 left off — with his work in schools on testicular cancer, his session Life by the Balls, and the students who have kept him humble over the years.Then he tells the story of his sister Sarah. In 2012, Sarah was fatally stabbed by her partner Ian Hope, who was convicted of murder and given life with a minimum tariff of 17 years. Bernie talks about what led up to that night, the failures in the police response, the changes that followed, and what he has done since to educate young people about coercive control and domestic abuse through his keynote Sarah’s Legacy.The conversation then moves to the Manosphere — the manufactured male victim narrative, the misuse of statistics, the pipeline from online influencers to real-world attitudes, and what Bernie believes can be done about it. He talks about feminism, about the word itself, about the 31% of Gen Z men who now believe women should obey their partner, and about why education, media literacy and empathy remain the only long-term answers.This is a serious, important and at times difficult episode. It is one of the most substantive conversations about male responsibility and violence against women that you will find on any podcast.You can find Bernie as "What Makes A Man" on InstagramTimestamps00:27 Domestic Violence and the World Cup Statistic01:08 Trigger Warning02:12 Continuation — Testicular Cancer and Life by the Balls02:51 Your Hands Are Down There Anyway — The Talk03:18 The Best Questions Bernie Has Been Asked05:55 The Other Reason Bernie Speaks in Schools — Sarah’s Legacy06:05 Sarah’s Story — How She Met Ian Hope07:07 The Escalation of Abuse and the Night of the Murder09:09 What Bernie Felt — Disgust, Not Anger10:04 The Saviour Complex and Bread Crumbing11:08 What Happened on the Night — The Police, the Address, the Failures15:20 What Changed as a Result of Sarah’s Case17:19 The Government Strategy for Violence Against Women and Girls17:53 Manufactured Male Victim — How the Story Gets Flipped19:28 The Impact of Bernie’s Work in Schools19:56 The Manosphere and the Amplification of Misinformation21:05 The Statistics on Domestic Abuse Charge Rates22:25 Boys in Schools Saying It’s Unfair — and What Bernie Sends Them23:30 The Manosphere Pipeline — From Influencers to Mainstream24:10 The Louis Theroux Documentary — What It Got Right and What It Missed24:40 The Word Feminism — Dom and Bernie’s Discussion25:46 31% of Gen Z Men Think Women Should Obey Their Partner26:50 The Manosphere Pipeline and the Gileadisation of America28:08 Rwanda Has the Highest Proportion of Women in Parliament29:10 What Needs to Change — Education, Media Literacy, Critical Thinking29:43 Empathy Light Bulbs — Nudged Between Empathy and Judgement31:00 What’s Being Sold to Boys Now Is What Was Sold to Women for Decades33:20 Thanks Bernie — Where to Find Him34:05 Dom’s Closing ReflectionPREVIOUS EPISODES - From Patrol To Podium - Torque | AcastDebunking Sleep Myths - Torque | AcastLessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | AcastDiving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | AcastOff Screen - Torque | AcastDo You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | Acast

Episode 7Navigating Masculinity Part 1From Anger to Understanding — A Journey of GrowthGuest: Andrew ‘Bernie’ Bernard — speaker, author and educatorEpisode DescriptionAndrew ‘Bernie’ Bernard has spent nearly two decades working with young people on masculinity, equality, domestic abuse and men’s mental health. He’s delivered keynotes at Parliament and spoken to over 170,000 people in schools and organisations across the country. But before any of that, he was an angry young man from Aylesbury who got arrested on Oxford Street, smashed up a pub, and left school with an E and a U at A level.In the first of a two-part conversation, Bernie traces the journey from that angry teenager to the man he is today. He talks about what was driving the anger — entitlement, a chaotic home, a grammar school that felt wrong, and an adoption he found out about at 17. About the moment a friend called him in rather than called him out, and how that changed the way he thought about women. About the college principal who gave him one last chance. And about what it took to finally allow himself to believe he was clever.This is a conversation about masculinity and what it actually means to grow up in a man, not a boy.You can find Bernie as "What Makes A Man" on InstagramTimestamps02:27 Why Was He Angry? Grammar School, Entitlement and Resentment03:44 Getting Arrested, Smashing Up a Pub, Wrecking His A Levels05:21 Finding Out He Was Adopted at 1707:35 Feeling Lost — Cycling, a Stolen Bike and More Resentment09:28 Leaving Aylesbury and Reinventing Himself11:40 The Friend Who Called Him In Rather Than Called Him Out13:05 How Long It Took for His Behaviour to Change15:25 The College Principal Who Gave Him One Final Chance16:45 The Lecturer Who Believed in Him18:17 When Do You Think You Were a Fully Formed Man?19:06 Becoming a Father — and the Man Box Around Caregiving20:37 Active Dad but Not Taking the Mental Load21:52 Val as the Initiator — Learning to Follow Her Lead24:13 Kids Need Boundaries and Care26:37 Banter, Friendship and Knowing When to Check In29:34 Setting Up a Support Group for Friends After Mike’s Death30:50 How Do You Deal with Grief?32:03 The Man Box, Justifiable Rage and Not Accessing Feelings34:08 The Feelings Wheel and Processing Emotions35:58 What Took Him Into Schools37:48 Enterprise Soapbox — 170,000 Young People37:59 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Bernie39:58 Dom’s Closing ReflectionLines From This Episode"Inside, this little boy had got completely lost in all of that.""He took me to one side and said — you’re better than this. I know you’re better than this.""No one learned anything through shame. Only to be quiet and never say anything again.""I allowed myself to believe I was actually clever. I’d spent so long thinking it wasn’t cool to be clever.""We spend so much of our time worrying about what we look like. We don’t consider much about our character.""We can make ourselves as busy as we want. But sometimes we just have to go — how can I help?"PREVIOUS EPISODES - From Patrol To Podium - Torque | AcastDebunking Sleep Myths - Torque | AcastLessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | AcastDiving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | AcastOff Screen - Torque | AcastDo You Feel Frozen Out? - Torque | Acast

In this bonus piece Dom celebrates his Mum's Birthday and talks about why Fathers Day is complicated for him

What Every Man Needs To Know About The Menopause But Is Afraid To AskAt any one time in the UK, 13 million women are going through perimenopause or menopause. That means every man listening to this knows someone affected by it — right now, or at some point in their life.Joe Warner is the former editor-in-chief of Men's Fitness magazine and the author of Burning Up, Frozen Out — a book written specifically to close the biggest gap in the menopause conversation: men.In this episode, Joe talks about what led him to write the book, why men so often make things worse without realising it, and what it actually looks like to be a useful partner during this stage of life.Dom and Joe cover communication, the talk triangle, how to stop arguments escalating, the chapter on men's own midlife experience, the second mountain, the friendship gap many men fall into, and why strength training matters for both partners in midlife.Also in this episode: couples psychotherapist Ambika Shekhawat on why women so often initiate couple therapy during this stage of life, and what men can do to better understand what's going on.Plus Joe's Torque Ten quickfire questions.Joe Warner LinksWebsite: hotflushcoldshoulder.comInstagram: instagram.com/joewarnerukGet the book: https://geni.us/4nQ1gAmbika Shekhawat LinkAmbika ProfileKEY HIGHLIGHTS00:42 Trigger Warning00:54 13 Million UK Women — Why This Matters to Every Man03:34 What Led Joe to Write This Book06:17 Did Joe Face Resistance as a Man Writing About Menopause?09:34 Is There a Generational Difference in How Men Understand This?13:00 Why GPs Aren't Trained Well Enough on Menopause16:00 Why Bringing a Male Partner to a GP Appointment Changes the Outcome18:01 The Individual Nature of Symptoms20:00 “Her Bullshit Buffer's Gone” — A Reframe for Men21:34 Equity, Not Equality22:27 Feeling Invisible — and Menopause as “The Second Spring”24:02 Revolving Together, Not Apart26:49 The Talk Triangle — Timing and Location28:33 How to Stop Conversations Going Wrong29:38 What a Hostage Negotiator Taught Joe About De-escalation31:43 “You Always” vs “I Feel” — How We Talk About Needs35:00 Dom's Own Experience37:43 The Chapter on Men in Midlife39:49 David Brooks and the Second Mountain43:00 Two People, Both Lonely in the Same House45:00 The Friendship Gap — What Men Leave Behind48:00 Reframing Vulnerability as Availability49:01 Strength Training — Why It Matters for Both Partners in Midlife53:25 Why Women Often Initiate Couple Therapy in Midlife55:04 How Couples Can Better Prepare58:18 Men, Mothers, and Connecting the Dots01:00:10 Dom's Reflection on His Own Mother01:01:08 Help vs Support — What Men Can Actually Do01:03:17 Torque Ten — Quickfire Questions with Joe Warner01:07:14 Dom's Takeaway01:07:46 Next Episode — Andrew Bernard on MasculinityPREVIOUS EPISODES - From Patrol To Podium - Torque | AcastDebunking Sleep Myths - Torque | AcastLessons From A Father's Influence - Torque | AcastDiving Into Olympic Pressure - Torque | AcastOff Screen - Torque | Acast