Therapy Works

This week psychotherapist Julia Samuel and her daughters Sophie and Emily explore why people pleasing develops, how our past relationships shape our fear of rejection and what it takes to feel secure enough to express our own needs.This week's listener is a man in his forties who has spent much of his life putting other people's needs before his own. Following a divorce and a difficult experience of adoption, he's now in a new relationship but finds that even the smallest disagreement can trigger an overwhelming fear that his partner will leave him. With his former wife and child living abroad and few close friends in the UK, the listener feels increasingly dependent on his new partner. He struggles to make decisions for himself and worries that he's spent years of his life trying to keep everyone else happy. Although he's sought therapy, he's found it difficult to articulate what he wants from it, leaving him unsure where to turn for help.Together, Julia, Sophie and Emily discuss how people pleasing can begin as a survival strategy in childhood, why experiences of rejection can resurface in new relationships and how talking therapy can help us recognise and change these patterns. They also explore the grief that can accompany divorce and separation, and why acknowledging past experiences is an important part of building trust and emotional security.The Agony Aunties offer practical advice on communicating your needs and setting boundaries without fearing conflict, learning to say no and building a wider support network beyond your romantic relationship. They also discuss the benefits of group therapy, men's support groups and finding connection through shared interests, and why learning to put yourself first doesn't mean you care any less about the people you love.Support and further reading:If you're struggling with people pleasing, fear of rejection or difficulties in your relationships, the following organisations and resources may be helpful:Mind – Information and support for mental health difficulties, including anxiety, self-esteem and accessing talking therapies.BACP – Guidance on finding a qualified therapist and understanding different approaches to counselling and psychotherapy.Men's Sheds Association – Community spaces where men can build friendships, share interests and find connection.Co-Dependents Anonymous UK – Peer support groups for people exploring patterns of codependency and difficulties in relationships.Please do send in your Agony Aunties questions to: jsamuelpod@gmail.comNever miss an episode: follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.You can also watch episodes of Therapy Works on Julia's YouTube page.Subscribe here to Therapy Works on Substack for weekly insights into emotional wellbeing.Subscribe here to The Times and The Sunday Times to enjoy unlimited digital access to all our journalism.Hosts: Julia Samuel, Emily Samuel, Sophie SamuelProducer: Georgie RutherfordExecutive Producer: Emily LeahyVideo Producer: Darren Michael

Elizabeth Gilbert became a worldwide phenomenon with Eat, Pray, Love, a memoir about finding herself after heartbreak, but in this interview she tells Julia Samuel her story didn't end on the final page. Despite years of talking therapy, extraordinary success and profound self-awareness, she continued to find herself caught in destructive relationships, searching for someone who could finally make her feel safe.In her new memoir, All the Way to the River, Elizabeth Gilbert writes about her relationship with Rayya Elias, the great love of her life, whose addiction and eventual death brought them both to devastating places. She speaks openly about identifying as a sex and love addict, the difference between understanding our behaviour and actually changing it, and how her desperate need for love and connection led her to abandon herself.Together, Elizabeth Gilbert and Julia explore the childhood experiences that shape our relationships, why we can become addicted to emotional intensity, and the difference between feeling good and genuinely being well. Elizabeth also shares the painful reality of grieving Rayya, the shame surrounding love addiction and how recovery has taught her to set boundaries, stop people-pleasing and begin caring for the younger parts of herself.This is a powerful conversation about love, obsession, grief and recovery, and what it really takes to stop looking to other people for the safety and belonging we need to find within ourselves.–Join Julia, Emily and Sophie for a special live Therapy Works event in London on 7th December, exploring how to navigate the challenges of Christmas. Book your tickets here.Looking for therapy? Julia runs the Samuel Therapy Practice alongside her daughters, Emily and Sophie. If you're looking for support or help finding the right therapist, visit www.samueltherapypractice.com.Support resources:Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous (SLAA) – Peer support and recovery meetings for people experiencing love addiction, romantic obsession, codependency or compulsive sexual behaviours. https://slaauk.org/Co-Dependents Anonymous (CoDA) – A Twelve Step fellowship supporting people who want to develop healthier relationships and address patterns of codependency. https://codauk.org/Cruse Bereavement Support – Emotional support and guidance for anyone experiencing grief following a death. https://www.cruse.org.uk/ | Helpline: 0808 808 1677Chapters:00:00 Introduction03:21 Elizabeth Gilbert on sex and love addiction07:13 Why understanding your behaviour isn't enough to change it11:20 How do you recognise addiction?16:14 Childhood wounds and the fear of abandonment20:26 Elizabeth's relationship with Raya and the dangers of addiction25:06 When love becomes destructive29:45 Why sex and love addiction remains a taboo33:05 Recovery, honesty and learning to see yourself34:47 The difference between feeling good and being well42:01 Grieving Raya and questioning how we grieve48:00 Learning to put yourself first in recovery55:30 Spirituality, surrender and finding peace1:02:38 Mother/Daughter Reflection: Love, addiction and emotional sobriety1:08:36 Why self-awareness alone isn't enough1:13:33 Why healthy relationships can feel boringIf you found this conversation helpful:You may also enjoy Julia's conversation with Rosanna Brown, exploring profound grief, the impact of bereavement on family life and finding a way forward after tragedy.Listen to the episode here.Never miss an episode: follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.Watch Therapy Works on Julia's YouTube channel and subscribe to Therapy Works on Substack for weekly insights into emotional wellbeing.Subscribe here to The Times and The Sunday Times to enjoy unlimited digital access to all our journalism.Guest: Elizabeth GilbertProducer: Georgie RutherfordExecutive Producer: Emily LeahyVideo Producer: Darren Michael

Can we ever stop trying to earn our parents' approval? Gyles Brandreth joins psychotherapist Julia Samuel to discuss grief, being “too much” and happiness.Broadcaster, author, former MP and much-loved television personality, Gyles Brandreth, joins Julia for a revealing conversation about childhood, grief, the need for approval and what it really takes to live a happy life.Known for his extraordinary energy, colourful jumpers and endless stories, Gyles Brandreth has spent a lifetime entertaining people. But beneath his public persona, he reveals something he has only come to understand in recent years: how much of his life has been shaped by his desire to fulfil his father's ambitions. From his time at the University of Oxford to his political career, Gyles reflects on the childhood expectations that continued to influence his decisions long into adulthood.Gyles Brandreth also opens up about the deaths of his parents, the impact of his sister's mental illness and his realisation that his mother may have experienced depression. He discusses the painful experience of losing his parliamentary seat in 1997, the failures he rarely speaks about and how a friendship with psychiatrist Dr Anthony Clare helped him develop his Seven Secrets of Happiness.In a particularly revealing exchange, Julia challenges Gyles to consider why he feels the need to fill every silence, whether his constant talking might be connected to a deeper need for love and approval, and what happens when he allows himself to stop performing. Gyles reflects on his desire for applause, his fear of being too much for other people and the surprising difficulty of simply being himself.Together, Gyles Brandreth and Julia Samuel explore how childhood experiences shape our adult identities, the relationship between achievement and self-worth, and why happiness may have more to do with connection, curiosity and learning to listen than we realise.Chapters:00:00 – Introduction to Gyles Brandreth03:11 – The impact of political rejection, grief and finding happiness08:11 – How childhood shapes our ambitions10:32 – Living out his father's dreams and expectations13:47 – Why Gyles feels the need to keep talking17:07 – Are we lovable without achievement or approval?23:51 – Dealing with failure, disappointment and regret28:13 – Grieving his parents and learning to accept setbacks31:44 – Why silence can feel uncomfortable34:13 – Growing up around mental illness and understanding therapy37:09 – The childhood experiences behind his optimism39:50 – The seven secrets of happiness43:09 – Being yourself versus being present with others46:18 – Gyles asks Julia for another therapy session47:35 – Mother/Daughter Reflection: Can we change our personalities?53:22 – How parental expectations shape our adult lives01:00:27 – The difference between optimism and forced positivityJoin Julia, Emily and Sophie for a special live Therapy Works event in London on 7th December, exploring how to navigate the challenges of Christmas. Book your tickets here.Looking for therapy? Julia runs the Samuel Therapy Practice alongside her daughters, Emily and Sophie. If you're looking for support or help finding the right therapist, visit www.samueltherapypractice.com.If you found this conversation helpful:You may also enjoy Mark Foster on hiding his sexuality and learning to be himself, a conversation about achievement, self-worth and why even extraordinary success doesn't always bring the happiness or acceptance we're searching for.Never miss an episode: follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.Watch Therapy Works on Julia's YouTube channel and subscribe to Therapy Works on Substack for weekly insights into emotional wellbeing.Subscribe here to The Times and The Sunday Times to enjoy unlimited digital access to all our journalism.Guest: Jess MillsProducer: Georgie RutherfordExecutive Producer: Emily LeahyVideo Producer: Darren Michael

This week’s listener is struggling with overwhelming guilt, anger and fear after her 27-year-old daughter survived a devastating fall from a balcony. Psychotherapist Julia Samuel and her daughters Sophie and Emily explore the emotional toll of parenting an adult child with longstanding mental health difficulties, how to manage conflicting feelings during a family crisis and why loving your child doesn't mean you can control what happens to them.After years of supporting her daughter through mental health challenges, including self-harm, eating disorders and substance misuse, the listener’s daughter is now facing the uncertainty of a long rehabilitation. Although deeply grateful that her daughter survived, she also feels exhausted and angry about what has happened, and guilty for having those feelings.Alongside her daughters Sophie and Emily, Julia explores why gratitude and anger can coexist, how parents can separate their sense of worth from their children's struggles, and why self-compassion is essential when a family is living through trauma.The Agony Aunties also discuss practical ways to manage anxiety about an uncertain future, the importance of seeking support, like talking therapy, outside the family and how to protect the wellbeing of siblings whose needs can become overlooked during a crisis.Support and further reading:If you are supporting a loved one through a mental health crisis, or if this conversation has brought up difficult feelings, the following organisations and resources may be helpful:Mind – Information and support for people experiencing mental health difficulties, including guidance for family members and carers.Rethink Mental Illness – Advice and support for people affected by severe mental illness, including families and carers.Carers UK – Practical advice and emotional support for people caring for a family member, including guidance on protecting their own wellbeing.Beat – Support and information for people affected by eating disorders and their families.Samaritans – Confidential emotional support, available 24 hours a day on 116 123.Please do send in your Agony Aunties questions to: jsamuelpod@gmail.comNever miss an episode: follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.You can also watch episodes of Therapy Works on Julia’s YouTube page.Subscribe here to Therapy Works on Substack for weekly insights into emotional well-being.Subscribe here to The Times and The Sunday Times to enjoy unlimited digital access to all our journalism.Hosts: Julia Samuel, Emily Samuel, Sophie SamuelProducer: Georgie RutherfordExecutive Producer: Emily LeahyVideo Producer: Darren Michael

How do you process grief and find your way forward after the death of the person who made you feel most at home in the world?Musician, author, and CEO of the Tessa Jowell Foundation, Jess Mills, joins psychotherapist Julia Samuel to discuss the loss of her mother, former Labour MP and cabinet minister Dame Tessa Jowell. Together, they explore how profound grief reshapes our understanding of motherhood, family, and identity.Just ten weeks after giving birth to her first daughter, Jess learned her mother had terminal brain cancer. Already navigating anxiety following a traumatic birth, she found herself balancing the intense joy of new motherhood with caring for her dying mother. In this episode, she reflects on the overwhelming grief that followed, the complexities of family mourning, and the difficult decision to sell their family home.Eight years on, Jess shares how her processing of grief has evolved, why writing her book We Are Each Other helped her make sense of the tragedy, and how she is learning to embrace a new chapter in life.Join Jess and Julia as they delve into how grief transforms us, why feeling loved is essential, and how our ongoing relationships with those who have died continue to shape our emotional growth. Jess also shares the extraordinary comfort of knowing there was nothing left unsaid between her and her mother, whose final words were simply: “love forever.”Please note: This episode contains discussions of terminal illness, traumatic childbirth, anxiety, and bereavement.Support resources:Cruse Bereavement SupportThe Good Grief TrustMentioned in this episode:We Are Each Other by Jess Mills The Tessa Jowell Foundation Chapters:00:00 Introduction: Jess Mills on grief, motherhood and love01:03 Writing We Are Each Other03:15 Finding permission to move forward after grief06:31 Becoming a mother while her own mother was dying10:39 How grief and joy can coexist12:42 Why love builds resilience17:26 Why grief isn't linear19:01 Learning to live alongside grief21:20 How families grieve differently43:22 Mother & Daughter Reflection: Julia, Sophie and Emily48:04 Finding meaning and purpose after grief51:43 When birth and death happen together55:43 How love and trauma pass through generationsIf you found this conversation helpful:You may also enjoy Julia's conversation with Rosanna Brown, exploring profound grief, the impact of bereavement on family life and finding a way forward after tragedy.Listen to the episode here.Never miss an episode: follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.Watch Therapy Works on Julia's YouTube channel and subscribe to Therapy Works on Substack for weekly insights into emotional wellbeing.Subscribe here to The Times and The Sunday Times to enjoy unlimited digital access to all our journalism.Guest: Jess MillsProducer: Georgie RutherfordExecutive Producer: Emily LeahyVideo Producer: Darren Michael

This week’s listener is struggling with the death of her father, who sexually abused her as a child and never acknowledged what he had done. Psychotherapist Julia Samuel and her daughters Sophie and Emily explore the lasting impact of childhood sexual abuse, the complicated grief that can follow the death of an abusive parent and how to find healing from childhood trauma.After confronting her father thirty years ago, the listener was met with denial so cut off contact. While she believed she had moved forward, his recent death has resurfaced unresolved childhood trauma, leaving her processing grief for not receiving justice or validation.Alongside her daughters Sophie and Emily, Julia explores why the death of an estranged parent can reignite childhood trauma, the complicated shame carried by survivors of abuse, and how to find validation when an apology will never arrive.The Agony Aunties discuss the pathway to trauma recovery, how to navigate contradictory emotions like anger and relief, and why emotional healing does not depend on forgiveness, but can start with self-compassion.Warning: This episode contains discussion of childhood sexual abuse and trauma.Support and further reading:If you have experienced childhood sexual abuse, or if this conversation has brought up difficult feelings, the following organisations and resources may be helpful:Janina Fisher – Psychologist and trauma specialist whose work explores the lasting impact of childhood trauma, shame and dissociation, and approaches to healing.Carolyn Spring – Articles and resources exploring childhood sexual abuse, trauma, recovery and the emotional impact of abuse in adulthood.NAPAC – National Association for People Abused in Childhood – Confidential support and resources for adult survivors of childhood abuse.SurvivorsUK – Specialist support for men, boys and non-binary people who have experienced sexual violence or abuse.The Survivors Trust – A national network of specialist services supporting survivors of rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse.Please do send in your Agony Aunties questions to: jsamuelpod@gmail.comNever miss an episode: follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.You can also watch episodes of Therapy Works on Julia’s YouTube page.Subscribe here to Therapy Works on Substack for weekly insights into emotional well-being.Subscribe here to The Times and The Sunday Times to enjoy unlimited digital access to all our journalism.Hosts: Julia Samuel, Emily Samuel, Sophie SamuelProducer: Georgie RutherfordExecutive Producer: Emily LeahyVideo Producer: Darren Michael

How does childhood trauma fuel adult addiction?Broadcaster, actor and former Strictly Come Dancing champion Ore Oduba joins psychotherapist Julia Samuel to discuss his 30-year struggle with pornography addiction, childhood trauma, shame and the journey towards mental health recovery.Growing up in a strict Nigerian household, Ore learnt that achievement and obedience were closely tied to acceptance. After being exposed to pornography at just nine years old, he developed a dependency that followed him into adulthood. What began as a secret source of comfort became a cycle of addiction, shame and self-loathing that affected his mental health, relationships and sense of identity.Ore opens up about the breakdown of relationships, reaching a point where he questioned whether he wanted to carry on living, and how therapy helped him understand the connection between childhood experiences and addictive behaviour. He also reflects on his complicated relationship with his father, whose death in 2023 brought an unexpected sense of relief, and the realisation that so many of his decisions had been driven by fear.In a deeply moving part of the conversation, Ore discusses losing his younger sister to suicide in 2025, the grief he continues to carry and how her death gave him the courage to speak publicly about his addiction.Together, Ore Oduba and Julia Samuel explore the psychological roots of addiction, the lasting impact of childhood trauma, and why self-compassion is essential to breaking patterns of shame and secrecy. They also discuss the risks of childhood exposure to pornography, breaking generational cycles and what it means to rebuild a life on your own terms.Warning: this conversation contains some discussion of suicide and suicidal thoughts.Support resources mentioned:NSPCC Helpline – Advice and support for anyone concerned about a child's safety. Call 0808 800 5000.NSPCC Talk PANTS – Resources to help parents talk to children about body safety and boundaries.Samaritans – Free emotional support, available 24 hours a day on 116 123.Sources discussed:Naked Truth Impact Report 2021-22Children's Commissioner paper on pornography 2023If you found this conversation helpful:Listen to Julia's conversation with Charles Spencer, exploring childhood trauma, shame and the lasting impact of abuse on relationships and self-worth.You may also enjoy Agony Aunties: Why Do I Keep Sabotaging Myself?, on how childhood experiences shape our adult behaviour, why we develop destructive coping mechanisms and the importance of self-compassion in breaking old patterns.Never miss an episode: follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.Subscribe here to Therapy Works on Substack for weekly insights into emotional wellbeing.Subscribe here to The Times and The Sunday Times to enjoy unlimited digital access to all our journalism.Guest: Ore OdubaProducer: Georgie RutherfordExecutive Producer: Emily LeahyVideo Producer: Darren Michael

This week’s listener is heartbroken by sibling estrangement. Psychotherapist Julia Samuel and her daughters Sophie and Emily explore the pain it causes, why family conflicts can be so difficult to repair and the challenges of parenting adult children when you can no longer influence their decisions.The listener’s two adult sons, once incredibly close, have stopped speaking to each other following a family fallout. What began as unresolved tensions from their younger years escalated when their partners fell out, leaving the brothers locked in sibling estrangement for over a year. Although she still has a loving relationship with both sons, she is processing grief for the family they once were and wonders whether she should step in to help them reconcile or leave them to work things out themselves.The Agony Aunties discuss the risks of taking sides, the necessity of creating healthy boundaries, the importance of allowing time for reconciliation, and how parents can support their children’s emotional healing without becoming caught in the middle.They also reflect on the guilt parents can feel when their adult children fall out, why sibling estrangement doesn't always last forever and how families can hold on to hope even when reconciliation feels impossible.Please do send in your Agony Aunties questions to: jsamuelpod@gmail.comNever miss an episode: follow the show on Apple Podcasts or Spotify.You can also watch episodes of Therapy Works on Julia’s YouTube page.Subscribe here to Therapy Works on Substack for weekly insights into emotional well-being.Subscribe here to The Times and The Sunday Times to enjoy unlimited digital access to all our journalism.Hosts: Julia Samuel, Emily Samuel, Sophie SamuelProducer: Georgie RutherfordExecutive Producer: Emily LeahyVideo Producer: Darren Michael