The Strong-but-Struggling Podcast

You’ve heard the question in the context of other people. When I need you, are you there? That’s the foundation of secure attachment.But what happens when you turn that question on yourself?In this episode, Alyssa sits down with Dr. Danica Harris — somatic experiencing practitioner, complex trauma expert, and co-owner of Empowered Healing Dallas — for a conversation about the attachment style nobody talks about enough: the one you have with yourself. Not just whether you trust other people to show up, but whether you trust you.This isn’t a recap of the attachment quiz you took on Instagram. This is the deeper layer — what it actually looks like to build a secure relationship with yourself, why so many high-functioning women are running on self-rejection without even realising it, and what it looks like to slowly, gently start showing up for yourself in the moments that count.Alyssa also shares how attending Danica’s somatic retreat in 2023 — and intentionally missing her son’s soccer game to do it — became one of the most pivotal moments in her own healing.In this episode:What secure attachment with yourself actually looks like — and why it’s not about endless self-care breaks or zero accountabilityHow insecure attachment shows up in places you’d never expect — like how you negotiate a salary or whether you say yes to a Friday night outWhy so many of us became unofficial therapists for everyone around us and forgot to tend to ourselvesDanica’s real-life example: how she nearly said no to a friend, caught herself, and what the internal negotiation actually sounded likeThe difference between trying harder and trying softer — and which one is keeping you stuckWhy the missing piece for most strong but struggling women isn’t more effort — it’s gentlenessThe takeaway: Pick one moment today where you can show up for yourself — not in a grand gesture way, but in a quiet I-heard-you way. Drink the water. Go to the bathroom. Wear something you actually like. Ask yourself what you have capacity for right now. That attunement, practiced over and over, is how secure attachment with yourself actually gets built.Chapters00:10 Introducing Dr. Danica Harris03:40 What attachment actually is — “when I need you, are you there?”05:19 Turning that question on yourself06:35 Danica’s journey from relentless self-criticism to self-trust08:20 The moment at 30 when everything shifted09:34 Alyssa’s parallel story — codependency and choosing herself13:07 The conditioning that teaches women to care for others first18:57 What each attachment style looks like with yourself21:21 Finding where security already exists before trying to build more24:30 Attachment styles in a job interview — a real-world example33:39 Alyssa at Danica’s retreat — and missing the soccer game on purpose40:47 The comedy show, the Friday night, and the internal negotiation48:59 Micro moments vs. grand gestures50:34 Where survival mode still shows up for Danica52:32 The one thing every strong but struggling woman needs to hearConnect with Dr. Danica Harris:Instagram: @theempoweredtherapistWebsite: empoweredhealingdallas.comApply for Reclaim Your Steady Waitlist — next round 2027Join Her Steady Circle Membership — first week freeCatch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth

Day one of your new regulation routine: you crush it. Gratitude list, meditation, the works.Day three: your kid wakes up at 5:30 with a fever. The routine goes out the window. Five days later you’re sleep deprived, behind on work, and the other kid is sniffling. And your brain doesn’t say “that’s just life.” It says: it’s ruined. I can’t do this.So you skip everything for two weeks. And then you start over from day one.That’s not a willpower problem. That’s the go-go-go crash cycle. And it’s exactly what happens when we turn regulation into a project.In this final episode of the Q&A series, Alyssa answers the question: is there actually a sustainable way to regulate? Her honest answer — yes, but not the way most people are trying to do it. She shares what she’s done differently over the last few years that has actually stuck, including the moment in 2023 when she went to her husband completely burned out and he said “I thought you liked doing it all” — and what clicked for her in that moment.In this episode:Why you cannot regulate your nervous system using the same tools that are keeping you stuck — perfectionism, colour coding, and doing the most includedWhat regulation actually means — and why it has nothing to do with being cool, calm, and collectedWhy frequency beats intensity — and how a 60-second pause does more than a 30-minute meditation you never actually doHow to stack regulation onto things you already do instead of building a whole new routineWhy sometimes the most regulating thing you can do is take something off the listAlyssa’s real-life examples: Animal Crossing, walks, overnights with friends, and how her husband has cooked dinner almost every night for two yearsWhy one time is enough — and why doing it once on purpose is actually the whole practiceThe takeaway: Find one small thing this week that makes you feel more like yourself. Something fun, something creative, something that has no purpose other than the fact that you enjoy it. Do it once. That’s it. Not every day. Once. And let that be enough — because letting one time be enough is the practice.Chapters00:08 The regulation routine that fell apart on day three01:39 The go-go-go crash cycle — and why it keeps repeating03:05 The question: is there actually a sustainable way to regulate?05:30 Why turning regulation into a project is the problem06:23 What regulation actually means08:37 The car pickup line moment — and why deep breaths aren’t always the answer15:17 Regulation is not managing yourself every second of the day15:51 Frequency beats intensity17:28 Stack it onto what you already do19:31 What to actually check in on — energy, capacity, vulnerabilities21:48 Regulation can look like blasting your playlist in the car22:30 Start with the bar — not 250 pounds25:10 Sometimes regulation means taking something off the list27:08 Alyssa’s 2023 crash out — “I thought you liked doing it all”30:24 How dinner hasn’t been her problem for two years32:16 Making time for friends — two overnights in one year34:01 Hobbies, Animal Crossing, coloring books, and walks36:40 Therapy, support groups, and asking for help42:03 Your homework: one small thing, one time this week43:18 Regulation means choosing yourself in small ways, consistentlyJoin Her Steady Circle Membership — first week freeApply for Reclaim Your Steady Waitlist — next round 2027Catch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth

Remember those quizzes in the back of Seventeen magazine? Take ten questions, get your answer, done. A lot of us have done the same thing with attachment styles. You get your label — anxious, avoidant, secure, or the one nobody wants — and you think, okay, that's me.And then you notice you're completely avoidant with your mom but spiraling over a text from someone you're dating. Totally secure with your best friend. And you think — wait, which one am I actually?All of them. Depending on the person, the history, and how safe you've actually felt there.In this episode, Alyssa breaks down attachment styles the way they actually work — not the quiz version. The one that accounts for the fact that your nervous system is reading every relationship through the lens of what it's been taught to expect. And those lessons aren't the same for every person in your life.She also gets personal about her two kids and why she attaches to them differently. Why she swore she'd never miss a soccer game, what was really underneath that promise, and what it took to realize her son didn't even remember the games she missed. It was never about him. It was about her wounds.In this episode:Why you can get a completely different attachment style result depending on which relationship you're thinking about — and why that's not a flaw, it's the whole pointA real breakdown of all four attachment styles — what they look like, where they come from, what's happening in the bodyWhy anxious and avoidant people so often end up together — and how each person's survival mode triggers the other'sHow attachment shifts with stress — you might be secure on a normal Tuesday and anxiously attached when you're running on no sleep and your partner wants to go play golfWhy secure attachment doesn't mean perfect — it means reliable enough and repaired when it breaksWhat to actually try this week instead of taking another quizThe takeaway: Pick two or three people in your life and ask — what happens in my body when this person goes distant? Do I reach? Do I pull away? Do I feel steady? Don't answer with how you think you should feel. Just notice what your body actually does. That's your attachment pattern. And that's the beginning of understanding it.Chapters00:01 The magazine quiz — and why attachment quizzes have the same problem01:42 You can get a different result with different people — that's the point05:07 Three scenarios: anxious with a partner, avoidant with a mom, secure with a best friend10:40 Alyssa on her two kids — why she attaches to them differently13:40 The soccer games she missed — and what was really underneath the guilt21:32 Her oldest doesn't remember the games she missed. It was never about him.23:25 Where attachment research actually started25:40 Secure attachment: what it looks and feels like27:53 Anxious attachment: when distance feels like danger30:31 Avoidant attachment: when closeness feels like a threat31:44 Disorganized attachment: wanting closeness and fearing it at the same time33:06 What causes each attachment style37:36 Why anxious and avoidant people keep finding each other40:10 How attachment shifts with stress42:30 Your practice for this week44:54 How attachment actually changes — through felt experiences, not insight aloneJoin Her Steady Circle Membership — first week freeApply for Reclaim Your Steady Waitlist — next round early 2027Catch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth

You're dating someone new. Things are going well — he's attentive, he texts good morning, everything seems fine. But then he cancels plans twice. Both times with a real reason. And something in you goes quiet.And then he's sweet again and you feel the pull back in.So you say it out loud to your friend: isn't this a red flag? And you hear yourself answer: no, it's fine. I think I just have trust issues. Maybe I'm being too sensitive. Maybe I'm the problem.And just like that, you override everything your body was trying to tell you.Or you go the other way — you spiral. Is this my gut? Is this anxiety? Is this trauma? Am I missing something? And you can't make a decision because you don't trust yourself enough to know which one is which.In this episode, Alyssa answers one of the most common questions she gets: what is the difference between intuition and a trauma response — and how do you actually tell them apart?She gets honest about the time she went back to her ex-husband after leaving, how she talked herself into it, and what she was actually being driven by in that moment. She also shares the story of the business coach she hired early on — when she knew it wasn't right, said so out loud, got convinced otherwise, and turned out to be completely correct. Two very different situations. The same pattern underneath.In this episode:Why trauma and intuition can feel identical in the body — and what actually separates themHow complex trauma (not one big moment, but years of stacked smaller ones) drives decisions you don't even realize you're makingThe steps Alyssa uses with clients to start telling the difference — starting with knowing what safety actually feels like in your bodyWhy you need to look at the pattern, not just the momentThe difference between overcontrolled and undercontrolled nervous systems — and why the same crowd can look like a party to one person and a mob to anotherWhen the loop of "is this my gut or my anxiety?" is actually fear of making the wrong choice wearing the costume of intuitionThe one thing real intuition will never lead you towardThe takeaway: Next time you feel that knot in your stomach or sense that something is off, don't spiral into which is right or wrong. Just ask: does this feel familiar in a way that's triggering danger? Does that danger actually fit the facts in front of me right now? Is this happening with everyone, or with this specific person in this specific pattern? You don't need the full answer yet. You just need to ask.Chapters00:01 Picking up where last week left off — codependency and going back01:12 This week's question: gut vs. trauma, intuition vs. anxiety03:34 The dating example — and the moment you override what your body is saying08:29 Alyssa's story: everything her body was telling her — and why she ignored it10:07 Going back — and the betrayal that wasn't his, it was hers11:09 Complex trauma: how stacked smaller moments drove the decision16:37 How do you actually tell the difference? Step one: know what safety feels like18:38 Step two: does this feel familiar in a way that's triggering danger?19:44 Step three: look at the pattern, not just the moment22:05 When excitement and anxiety feel identical in your body23:38 The party vs. mob story — same crowd, completely different meaning24:05 Overcontrolled vs. undercontrolled nervous systems30:02 When the "is this my gut?" loop is really fear of being wrong32:15 When shame is wearing the costume of intuition34:20 What trusting your gut has felt like when it turned out to be right37:33 The one hill Alyssa will die on: real intuition never leads you toward self-abandonment40:21 Self-trust isn't always making the right decisionApply for Reclaim Your Steady — fall 2026 group starting now, waitlist open for January 2027Join Her Steady Circle Membership — first week freeCatch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth

You've said it. Maybe ten times. Maybe twenty. You've used your I statements, you've softened the tone, you've chosen the right moment, you've written it all down. You've even put it in a compliment sandwich.And nothing changed.So you start wondering — am I not saying it right? Do I need a better script? A firmer tone? A different approach?Here's what Alyssa wants you to hear instead: what you're saying isn't the problem. The problem is that you've been giving information without a consequence. And a boundary without a consequence isn't a boundary. It's a request.In this episode — the first of a new Q&A series — Alyssa answers the question she gets asked almost every week: what do you do when you set a boundary and someone keeps stepping over it anyway? And when does that stop being their problem and start being yours?She shares the journal entry she found from 2015 — pages of softened, sugarcoated, carefully packaged "boundaries" written for her ex-mother-in-law. The relationship contract she made with her ex-husband so he'd stop calling her names. And the moment she realized that none of it was actually a boundary, because she never once followed through.In this episode:Why people don't keep crossing your boundaries because they didn't hear you — they cross them because they don't believe youThe difference between a request and a boundary — and why most of what we call boundaries are actually just lists of expectationsAlyssa's own story: the relationship contract, the journal entry, the ex-in-laws — and what finally changedWhen does someone overstepping stop being their problem and start being yours?Why boundaries don't stick — and what's actually underneath people pleasing that nobody talks aboutWhy you don't have to set the biggest, most intense boundary right now — and what one small action step actually looks likeHow following through on your own word builds self-trust over time — and why that's the real point of all of thisThe takeaway: Think about the one boundary you've stated over and over to the same person with nothing changing. Instead of thinking about how to say it better next time — decide what you will actually do. Not a script. An action. Something within your control that doesn't depend on them hearing you, agreeing with you, or changing. You don't even have to implement it yet. Just decide. That's where it starts.Chapters00:38 The bedtime analogy — and what it has to do with the adults in your life01:41 Welcome to season three: a Q&A series03:46 This week's question: what do you do when someone keeps crossing your boundary?04:43 You give an inch, they take a mile — and how you got here06:29 They hear you. They just don't believe you.08:11 The relationship contract with her ex-husband — and what happened next13:34 A request tells someone what you want. A boundary tells them what you'll do.14:22 The one boundary she finally said — and actually stuck with16:04 Why leaving once wasn't the end — and what codependency actually looked like18:53 When does it stop being their problem and start being yours?21:46 The 2015 journal entry — pages of softened, sugarcoated "boundaries" for her ex-mother-in-law29:23 The moment she finally stopped relying on them for childcare31:40 A boundary isn't a sentence you say. It's what you're actually willing to do.32:37 What's really underneath people pleasing — and why self-trust is the missing piece35:20 Where have you been giving more information instead of a consequence?38:08 The way to keep a boundary is with action, not more words44:03 Your practice this week47:15 When you can't set the boundary you want — and what to do insteadJoin Her Steady Circle Membership — monthly, think gym membership for your nervous systemApply for Reclaim Your Steady — 12-week signature programCatch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth

You've made it through an entire season on emotions. You know there's no such thing as a bad feeling. You know your feelings are information. You know you've been suppressing things for years.Now what?In this season finale, Alyssa gets practical. No more theory — just the four-step process she uses with her clients every single day to help you actually feel what you're feeling without it becoming a beach ball to the face.She also walks through a story that will sound uncomfortably familiar. Monday's dishes that didn't get done. Tuesday's meeting where someone took credit for your work. Wednesday's meltdown in the pickup line. Thursday's 4am wake-up. And then on Thursday evening, your husband innocently asks if you can make spaghetti for dinner — and you absolutely lose it.The explosion was never about spaghetti. It was everything that stacked up all week while you kept pushing through, ignoring the signals, and telling yourself it wasn't a big deal.Your body was talking to you all week long. You just weren't taught to listen.In this episode:The four-step process to feel your feelings without getting overwhelmed — and why going slow is the actual strategyWhy "where do you feel it in your body?" can be premature if you've been disconnected from your body for decades — and where to actually startExternal vs. internal body sensations — a full breakdown of what your body does when it's trying to get your attentionThe SUDS scale — why most of us don't catch our emotions until we're already at an 8, 9, or 10, and how to start catching them at a 4The spaghetti story — and what Monday through Thursday actually looked like underneath the explosionWhy validation is often the only thing that's needed — and why it's almost always the thing we skipWhat "the next best thing" actually means — and why it has nothing to do with a grand gesture or a complete overhaulWhy you don't have to go from a six to a zero — just noticeably different is enoughThe takeaway: Notice one body sensation today. That's it. You don't have to know what it means yet. You don't have to fix it or trace it back to childhood. You just notice it. That is the beginning of all of this. And if that feels like too much, go to the bathroom. Drink some water. Put on house shoes. Get under a soft blanket. One small thing that makes you feel just noticeably different. That's the healing.Chapters00:04 Wrapping up season two — and getting practical00:38 The four-step process to feel your feelings without overwhelm01:13 Why going slow is the actual strategy02:31 What to do if "where do you feel it?" makes no sense to you06:55 Step one: notice body sensations — where to start11:32 External sensations — the things others can see14:04 Internal sensations — the things only you feel19:24 The SUDS scale — catching emotions before they hit a 1022:23 The spaghetti story — Monday through Thursday30:20 Every signal you missed all week34:09 Step three: validate34:57 How we constantly invalidate ourselves — and what to say instead40:12 Step four: do the next best thing for yourself41:23 What to do when you don't even know what you need42:50 It doesn't have to be a grand gesture — just noticeably different44:42 Circle back: notice how you feel afterApply for Reclaim Your Steady — applications open nowJoin Her Steady Circle Membership — first week freeCatch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth

There's that feeling when something really good happens. Your whole body lights up. Your chest feels open instead of tight. Your shoulders drop. There's an ease to it.And then — almost immediately — something else shows up.This is too good to be true. There must be a catch. Things have been going well for too long.And just like that, the joy is gone.In this final episode of the emotions series, Alyssa makes the case that joy is one of the hardest emotions to fully experience — not because it's painful, but because for so many of us, our nervous system learned a long time ago that good things come with fine print. She opens with the story of a man at the San Antonio Zoo who told her family they'd won a free vacation. Spoiler: it was a timeshare pitch. And the exact radar that protects you from getting scammed? That same radar is what's cutting your joy short every single time.She also gets honest about what happened the day she became a business owner — how the excitement lasted maybe a few hours before the doubt crept in, and why she never really gave herself full permission to just sit in that moment.In this episode:Why joy made the difficult emotions list — and what makes it harder to stay in than almost anything elseWhere the "this is too good to be true" belief actually comes fromHow you learned to shrink your wins, quiet your excitement, and keep your joy small so it wouldn't inconvenience anyoneThe difference between borrowed joy and joy that actually belongs to youWhy preemptively robbing yourself of joy — being mentally back home before the vacation is even over — is more common than anyone admitsThe secondary emotions that show up right behind joy: anxiety, guilt, and the bracing for the shoe to dropWhy excitement and anxiety feel almost identical in the body — and one small reframe that changes how your nervous system processes itWhat to do when someone asks what brings you joy and your honest answer is silenceThe takeaway: This week, find one small moment of joy that is just yours. Don't wait for it to show up — be proactive. Ask yourself what feels fun, what brings you actual joy, not what makes your kids happy or your house feel manageable. And if nothing comes to mind, start with laughter. Find something genuinely funny and let yourself actually laugh. Notice how your body feels after. That's joy. And you're allowed to stay there.Chapters00:08 What joy actually feels like — and how long you get to stay there01:14 The timeshare at the zoo and the radar that cuts joy short06:49 Why joy is on the difficult emotions list08:00 Becoming a business owner — and what happened to the joy almost immediately13:03 Where the suspicion of joy comes from15:10 When childhood joy was told to knock it off15:43 Pride and the humble pie that taught you to shrink your wins18:55 What actually brings you joy? Why so many women go quiet at that question21:38 Borrowed joy vs. joy that belongs to you28:06 Preemptively robbing yourself — being back home before the trip is over34:26 Secondary emotions behind joy: anxiety, guilt, hypervigilance35:14 Your joy is not a betrayal of someone else's pain37:35 Excitement vs. anxiety — and why your body can't always tell the difference42:20 Your practice for this week45:23 Joy isn't the reward for surviving. It's part of the healing.Apply for Reclaim Your Steady — waitlist open for fallJoin Her Steady Circle Membership — first week freeCatch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth

There's no meal train. No condolence card. No casseroles. No flowers.Because the thing that died wasn't a person. It was a version of your life. A version of yourself. Time you didn't get back. Things you yearned for that will never come to be.And because it didn't come with a funeral, you probably never let yourself call it grief.In this episode, Alyssa goes into the kind of loss that doesn't get acknowledged — the chapter of your life you never got to have, the relationship that turned out to be something completely different than what you were promised, the version of yourself that existed before the trauma. She shares her own grief around her early twenties — getting pregnant at 21, skipping an entire chapter of life that most people get, and now at 37, doing the self-discovery work she never got to do back then. And she's very clear: loving her son and grieving that lost chapter are not competing emotions. Both can be true at the same time.She also gets into loneliness — not just the obvious kind, but the kind that makes no sense because you're surrounded by people who love you and still feel completely unseen. And the third kind almost nobody names: the disconnection from yourself.In this episode:Why the five stages of grief were never the full picture — and what grief actually looks like when it's all over the place at onceThe grief that doesn't require death to be real — and why you've probably been calling it something elseSecondary losses: the things you lose that are attached to the main loss that blindside you months later when you thought you were already over itAlyssa's personal grief: the loss of her early twenties and the version of herself she never got to becomeWhy gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out — and how forcing the silver lining too early just shoves the feeling back downThe three types of loneliness — and why the most common one makes no sense on paperHow grief and loneliness show up in your body when you've never had language for themThe takeaway: This week, name one loss that you've never let yourself call grief because it wasn't a death. Say it out loud or write it down. Notice what happens in your body when you actually call it what it is. And if you want to go further, name one of the secondary losses that came with it — the thing that snuck up on you later, the thing nobody thought to acknowledge. It doesn't need to be the worst thing that ever happened to you to be real. If it mattered and now it's gone, it counts.Chapters00:07 The grief that doesn't come with a funeral02:34 The losses that don't get a casserole — and why we don't call them grief05:15 The five stages of grief — and what we know now that changes everything09:30 Alyssa's grief: spending most of her life being who other people needed her to be11:18 The loss of her early twenties — and why loving her son and grieving that chapter aren't opposites13:11 Gratitude and grief can exist at the same time16:03 How grief shows up as a complex web of emotions at once22:30 Secondary loss — everything you lose that's attached to the main loss25:29 Why grief hits in waves — and why "I should be over this by now" is never true30:11 Loneliness and grief — why they almost always arrive together31:40 The three types of loneliness34:35 Examples of grief that don't look like grief41:08 None of these have to be the worst thing that's ever happened to you to be valid41:59 Your practice for this week44:03 You don't have to make it mean something yet46:30 It's not letting the loss get the final wordJoin Her Steady Circle Membership — first week freeApply for Reclaim Your Steady — next cohort starting end of September 2026Catch Alyssa on IG @heyalyssabooth