The Rules

Writer, producer, author and stand-up Ashley Blaker (BBC Radio 4's Hyperfixations) begs Simon to make people stop starting conversations about his tattoos and start stopping at zebra crossings.

Tom Crowley, the writer, actor, comedian and creator of Crowley Time, with me Tom Crowley, persuades Simon to help eradicate meat walls on train platforms with hopscotch and dedicated perv-carriages.

Comedian, actor and presenter Abi Clarke guides Simon towards dramatically restricting small talk and dramatically expanding self-service checkouts and car horns.

Stand-up and actor Lenny Sherman goes into business with Simon to stop people over-sharing their phone conversations and over-feeding their neighbours' cats.

Internationally renowned stand-up and podcaster John Hastings encourages Simon to adopt a more North-American attitude to bad drivers and morons by throwing small rocks and bags of ****.

Comedian, writer, actor and presenter Kyrah Gray implores Simon to fill the streets with gravel to make tackling rude people more effective and remake disappointing TV show finales to stop the creation of new traffic wardens.

Celebrated stand-up Neil O'Rourke helps Simon control K-munters and seat encroachers by filtering gilets and putting Michael Palin in a box.

Comedian, writer and co-host of Oh What A Time Tom Craine helps Simon improve everyone's mood with showers and 90s-themed sleepovers.

Actor, comedian and producer Jacob Edwards joins Simon to tackle dodgy deliveries and malfunctioning machinery by holding fat cats to account.