The Rules

Award-winning stand-up Evaldas Karosas implores Simon to make cities more like villages by introducing everyone to each other's mothers and divvying up the world's information.

Stand-up, writer and presenter Andrew White insists Simon introduce rules to make supermarkets honour their deals, charity shops keep their prices low and football bores stop ruining games for everyone around them.

Multi-award-winning stand-up and writer Heidi Regan urges Simon to silence disruptive noises with withering insults and beefeaters.

Writer and Youtuber Mark Cooper-Jones (Map Men) encourages Simon to figure out rules that make it easier for him to talk with strangers and get rid of everybody's pets.

Writer, producer, author and stand-up Ashley Blaker (BBC Radio 4's Hyperfixations) begs Simon to make people stop starting conversations about his tattoos and start stopping at zebra crossings.

Writer, actor, comedian and podcaster Tom Crowley (Crowley Time, with me Tom Crowley) persuades Simon to help eradicate meat walls on train platforms with hopscotch and dedicated perv-carriages.