The Gen Mess with Tess

Someone corners you at your desk to vent about a coworker. You listen, you nod, you leave them feeling a little lighter. You didn't do anything wrong. But you just became the container for someone else's unresolved conflict.There's a name for this. It's called triangulation. And once you see it, you cannot unsee it.In this solo episode I walk through the psychology of why this pattern is so hard to give up, drawing on Murray Bowen's family systems theory and evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar's research on gossip as social bonding. I cover the three real reasons people avoid going direct: it's not just conflict avoidance, it's anxiety regulation, it's a genuine need to be seen, and it's risk avoidance around a relationship that actually matters. I also share what happened with a client of mine, I'm calling her Maya, who spent over a year in the same Friday coffee ritual before one sentence to her manager changed everything.If you've ever been someone's Friday coffee, or if you're a manager wondering why the same tension keeps surfacing on your team quarter after quarter, this episode is for you.What you'll learn in this episode:What triangulation is and why the triangle is more stable than a two-person relationship under stressThe three real drivers behind this pattern: anxiety reduction, the need to be seen, and risk avoidanceWhy Robin Dunbar's research on gossip reframes venting as something ancient and human, not just bad behaviorWhy the advice to just talk to them directly almost always gets ignored and what to say insteadThe one question to ask when someone pulls you into their conflict that actually helps them moveThree concrete things managers can do to become someone people don't have to vent aroundCHAPTER TIMESTAMPS:00:00 Opening hook and introduction to triangulation 01:20 Murray Bowen and family systems theory: why the triangle is more stable than a two-person relationship under stress 02:24 How triangulation shows up at work: managers, HR, and the desk-side vent 03:00 Why the pattern feels good: anxiety reduction and Robin Dunbar on gossip as social bonding 04:47 Why "just talk to them directly" almost never works: you are asking someone to give up something that is working 05:45 Why the pattern never resolves the conflict: relief is real but temporary, and the same tension resurfaces 06:30 The third driver nobody names: risk avoidance and the real cost of going direct 07:50 The Maya story: a year of Friday coffee venting, one question, and one sentence that shifted everything 11:30 What to do when you are the third point in someone else's conflict 11:47 Three concrete things managers can do right now 13:30 The bottom line: conflict avoided is conflict postponedVisit tessbrigham.com to learn more about fixing the mess in the modern workplace.

Most managers have at least one person on their team who is hard to read. They resist changes. They go quiet after a pivot. They seem disengaged, or they overdeliver one week and disappear the next. And the usual management advice does not seem to reach them.In this episode I sit down with Genie Love, an executive functioning and relationship coach with over 25 years of experience working with neurodivergent adults. Genie spent 13 years supporting students with ADHD and autism in schools before shifting to adult coaching, helping people whose brains were never designed for the systems being handed to them.We talk about why more adults are getting diagnosed with ADHD and autism now, why the apps and planners always fail, and why productivity is the wrong goal entirely. Genie introduces the concept of steadiness as the target instead, and walks through two concrete starting points that actually work for neurodivergent brains. We also get into what managers can realistically do without overhauling everything, and why the accommodations that help neurodivergent employees almost always turn out to help everyone on the team.What you'll learn in this episode:Why so many adults are discovering they have ADHD or autism in midlife and why it surfaces thenWhy apps, planners, and productivity systems keep failing neurodivergent peopleWhy steadiness is a better goal than productivity, and what that actually looks likeA step-by-step protocol for starting a hard task that you have been avoidingHow to match tasks to energy levels rather than defaulting to productivity guru schedulesWhat one small, sustainable change managers can make that benefits their entire teamResources for parents who suspect their child may be neurodivergentCHAPTER TIMESTAMPS:00:00 Introduction and guest bio: Genie Love, executive functioning coach00:47 Genie's origin story: from physical therapy to 25 years of neurodivergent coaching04:27 Why more adults are being diagnosed with ADHD and autism now07:10 The midlife tipping point: when systems that worked before suddenly stop working10:17 ADHD vs. autism: overlaps and differences in the coaching approach11:30 Why apps and planners keep failing neurodivergent people15:12 Productivity vs. steadiness: why the wrong goal is burning people out20:20 Technology, constant access, and the value of learning to do nothing24:14 The hard-thing setup protocol, time blocking, and energy blocking31:38 Mindset advice that backfires and the autistic burnout risk34:01 Late diagnosis: shame, grief, resources for parents, and why parents need coaching too43:37 What managers can do: one small change that ends up benefiting everyoneFollow Genie Love & Join Her Newsletterhttps://beyondcoaching.pro/Join the Dear Gen Mess Community to get the weekly download of the generational challenges facing us all.https://www.tessbrigham.com/podcast

Have you ever watched a talented employee just stop trying? They know what to do. They have the skills. And still, nothing. What you are witnessing is not a character flaw. It is a brain event. And until now, most of us have had no name for it.Dr. Kyra Bobinet is a public health physician, scientist, and behavioral designer who has spent her career closing what she calls the know-do gap: the space between knowing what you should do and actually doing it. She has identified the specific brain region responsible for killing motivation, generating negative self-talk, and driving everything from procrastination to addiction. It is called the habenula. It is the size of a pea. And it is running more of your team's behavior than you realize.In this conversation we go deep on the neuroscience of motivation and disengagement, what triggers the habenula (and what that is) to shut people down at work, why GLP-1 medications are actually addiction drugs that work through this same brain region, how Gen Z's particular history with social media and loneliness makes them especially vulnerable to habenula overload, and what managers can actually do about it. Dr. Bobinet also shares the iterative mindset framework she has published in peer-reviewed research, which is available as a free tool at her website.What you'll learn in this episode:What the habenula is and why it is the master control switch for motivation and negative self-talkHow trauma, adverse childhood experiences, and social media overload create a hypersensitive habenulaWhy 1 in 3 Americans are using alcohol, cannabis, or nicotine during the workday and what that tells us about workplace stressThe surprising reason GLP-1s like Ozempic reduce cravings for alcohol, nicotine, and nail-biting (not just food)Why 67% of Gen Z report loneliness and what that means for their performance at workThe iterative mindset: why you cannot fail if you are experimenting, and how managers can use this to support struggling employeesA real workplace ritual that Dr. Bobinet uses to protect motivation and build retention on her teamCHAPTER TIMESTAMPS:00:01 Introduction and guest bio: Dr. Kyra Bobinet, public health physician and behavioral designer01:06 Origin story: patients who swear they'll change and then don't, and the know-do gap03:04 The habenula: what it is, how it kills motivation, and why it drives negative self-talk07:00 Habenula vs. amygdala: the prediction machine vs. the fear response09:10 Trauma, adverse childhood experiences, and the hypersensitive habenula11:46 Substances at work: the stat, the self-medication cycle, and the habenula's role in addiction and cravings15:47 GLP-1s and the habenula: why they reduce cravings far beyond weight loss19:53 Loneliness, belonging, and why 67% of Gen Z report feeling lonely24:04 What happens in the brain when someone stops making progress at work29:13 Building small wins into the workday and the iterative mindset framework37:07 Gen Z, social media overload, and what managers are getting wrong about disengagement45:10 Workplace rituals that protect motivation, plus the third/third/third hiring rule49:37 Why 30-day resets backfire and what to do instead: the planner, the doer, and the free tool at drkyrabobinet.comSubscribe to the podcast for weekly content, and visit tessbrigham.com to learn more.

There is a fear spreading through management right now that nobody is naming out loud. Managers are scared to give feedback to their Gen Z employees. And because it stays unspoken, it is quietly destroying performance culture inside organizations everywhere.In this episode, I walk through exactly why this is happening, what it's costing you, and what works when it comes to delivering feedback to a younger workforce. This is not a Gen Z problem, and it is not a manager problem. It is a product of a generation raised with a very specific relationship to evaluation, criticism, and their own sense of worth colliding with a management culture that was never trained to work with that reality.I draw on Carol Dweck's research on fixed vs. growth mindset, Dr. Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion and external performance feedback, organizational researcher Edgar Schein's concept of humble inquiry, and Sheila Heen's research from Thanks for the Feedback to explain what is actually happening in those feedback conversations when they go sideways. Then I give you concrete, specific tools to make them go differently.What you'll learn in this episode:Why a significant portion of Gen Z was never given direct developmental feedback before they entered your organizationThe neurological leap that turns a comment about a deliverable into an identity threatThree specific things that go wrong in most feedback conversations with Gen ZA 20-second framing technique that changes the entire dynamic before you say a single word of feedbackWhy Gen Z does not leave managers who give honest feedback, and who they actually leaveCHAPTER TIMESTAMPS:00:01 The fear managers won't say out loud00:40 The millennial manager story: one feedback conversation that went wrong and what happened next02:01 The deep mismatch in expectations, emotional history, and how Gen Z was wired to receive feedback02:10 Carol Dweck: growth mindset and the conditions required to develop it03:20 How self-esteem culture, protective parenting, and social media shaped Gen Z's relationship with evaluation03:44 Dr. Kristin Neff: self-compassion research and what happens when worth is tied to external feedback04:08 The leap: how this report missed the mark becomes you are inadequate04:41 Many Gen Z employees have never received direct developmental feedback before05:00 Three specific things going wrong in feedback conversations right now05:00 Problem 1: feedback is about identity, not behavior05:45 Problem 2: no relational foundation exists before the feedback lands (Edgar Schein, humble inquiry)06:25 Problem 3: expectations were never set clearly upfront07:04 One concrete shift: the 20-second framing technique07:50 Sheila Heen: asking for a smaller piece to give employees agency08:30 The real truth about what Gen Z actually needs from a managerDownload my FREE Gen Z Playbook: https://www.tessbrigham.com/#retention

Are our educational systems actually built for the people who need them most? For students who are also parents, caregivers, veterans, and full-time workers, the traditional model of higher education was never designed with them in mind. And in the Black community, where those layers of responsibility are often even more pronounced. The gap between who the system was built for and who it needs to serve has real consequences.In this conversation I sit down with Dr. Alvin McLean, clinical psychologist and dean of psychology at National University, and Cherina Shaw, PhD candidate in psychology, doula, mother of six, and homeschool parent.We cover a lot of ground in this one, from why psychology training pipelines produce so few Black therapists, to what culturally responsive care actually looks like in practice, to one of the most important insights I have heard about worldview and how it shapes the kind of advice a person can actually receive. We also talk about where integrated physical and mental healthcare is headed and why it matters more than most people realize.This conversation is for HR leaders, healthcare providers, therapists in training, and anyone thinking about what it means to really see the people they are trying to help.What you'll learn in this episode:What is actually driving the shortage of Black therapists and what flexible institutions like National University are doing about itWhat "culturally responsive care" looks like in daily clinical practiceWhy collective worldview is not the same as personal preference and why missing that distinction derails treatmentWhy humility, not expertise, is the most important thing a healthcare provider or leader can bring to any conversationHow integrated physical and mental healthcare is already reducing costs and improving outcomesCHAPTER TIMESTAMPS: 00:37 Dr. McLean on why he focused his career on Black mental health 04:10 Cherina's path to a psychology PhD 07:50 Why psychology programs produce so few Black therapists and what the system gets wrong 08:09 HBCUs, state-by-state licensing, and the structural gap in the pipeline 11:16 National University's flexible model and why 70% of their students are people of color 13:22 Starting the pipeline earlier: building toward psychology careers at the elementary level 14:36 The problem with taking one multicultural competency class and calling it done 16:00 How the doctoral program at National University structures a full year of multicultural training 17:27 Implicit bias training in hospitals and why it matters for patient outcomes 18:59 Gen Z and therapy: more acceptance, but are they doing the work? 20:44 The Amazon generation and the demand for instant results 21:41 Young Black men being open about emotions on reality TV and what that signals 22:24 The gap between checking the therapy box and real internal change 23:25 The future of integrated physical and mental healthcare 25:38 Why integrated care is gaining momentum: cost data and long-term outcomes 26:11 How technology is reshaping mental health needs across generations 27:14 Intentional technology use and reclaiming mental downtime 30:38 What does culturally responsive care actually look like in practice? 31:03 Preparation, listening, partnership over task completion 33:02 Collective worldview: why prioritizing yourself can feel like betrayal 35:02 How to recognize a collective worldview through observation and conversation 38:13 Humility as the foundation of culturally competent care 39:14 Imposter syndrome, the pressure to have all the answers, and learning to let go of it 41:23 Acknowledging intersecting identities in coaching and clinical work 43:41 Prison reform: rehabilitation, for-profit prisons, and what actually works 44:50 Peer support specialists and preparing people to return to community 51:05 Final takeaways from both guests 51:25 Healing is incremental, ongoing, and that is okay 52:25 Collaborative care and leading with humility

I had no idea anything was wrong. They seemed fine and then they just quit.This is the most common thing I hear from managers and HR leaders right now. And here is what I need you to understand: The silence is not the problem. The silence is the symptom.In this solo episode, I break down exactly what is happening psychologically when a Gen Z employee goes quiet, why this generation responds to stress by withdrawing rather than speaking up, and what you can do to catch it before it becomes a resignation letter you never saw coming.I walk through the neuroscience behind this pattern, including neuroscientist Stephen Porges' polyvagal theory and why the nervous system's freeze response gets misread by managers as contentment. I also draw on developmental psychologist Jean Twenge's research on Gen Z's anxiety levels and psychologist Wendy Mogul's work on the parenting patterns that left this generation without the tools to navigate interpersonal friction at work.And I give you three specific behavioral signals to watch for, plus two questions you can ask in your next one on one that change the entire dynamic.What you'll learn in this episode:Why silence from a Gen Z employee is data, not contentmentThe neuroscience of the freeze response and why it gets misread as low dramaHow Gen Z's upbringing left many of them without tools for navigating conflict at workThree specific behavioral signals that a Gen Z employee is disengagingTwo questions to ask in your next one on one that actually give permission for honestyCHAPTER TIMESTAMPS: 00:01 Opening hook: the resignation that came out of nowhere 00:40 Why silence surprises us: managers are trained to look for the wrong signals 01:45 What Gen Z gives you instead: quiet, gradual withdrawal 02:18 Jean Twenge's research on Gen Z's anxiety and nervous system development 03:20 The heightened threat detection response this generation developed 03:50 Stephen Porges: polyvagal theory and the freeze response 04:42 Wendy Mogul: parenting patterns and the lack of tools for interpersonal friction 05:45 Signal 1: They stop asking questions 06:10 Signal 2: Responses get shorter and more transactional 06:35 Signal 3: They stop bringing problems to you (the most dangerous signal) 07:06 Client story: the 25-year-old who stopped speaking in meetings 07:50 What to do: one concrete thing to try this week 08:30 Two specific questions to ask in your next one on one 09:33 Closing and call to action

In this episode, I sit down with Laura McDonald, co-founder of Flora Fertility, the first individually owned insurance solution for fertility and women's health. Laura is a bestselling author, former financial media personality, and the founder of Canada's largest financial media company focused on women and wealth, which she built, scaled, and sold. Now she is tackling one of the most urgent and under-discussed financial crises facing the next generation: the cost of fertility care.We talk about why 72% of Gen Z women are already thinking about fertility anxiety before they are even trying to conceive, why the current group benefits model is failing most employees, how Flora Fertility is changing that with individually owned coverage starting at $15 a month, and what HR leaders and parents can actually do right now.If you manage Gen Z employees, have a young adult daughter, or are a young woman thinking about your own options, this conversation will change the way you look at reproductive health as a financial planning issue.What you'll learn in this episode:Why Gen Z women are thinking about fertility earlier than any generation before themThe data behind the fertility financial crisis (and why the existing employer model isn't solving it)How Flora Fertility works and why individual ownership changes everythingWhy the average Gen Z employee's 12-job career makes employer-tied benefits a broken modelWhat HR leaders should be doing right now, and what parents can do tooCHAPTER TIMESTAMPS:00:00 Introduction and guest bio01:04 Laura's origin story: from financial media to fertility insurance07:20 Why Gen Z women are thinking about fertility by age 23: the data10:24 Tess's theory on how Gen Z women approach life differently than Gen X12:41 Laura's own daughters and the reality of Gen Z's mindset around family14:35 Birth rates, delayed motherhood, and what the data actually shows16:31 Why women are finally being honest about what parenthood really looks like19:18 The conversation parents need to be having with their 22-24 year old daughters20:34 How Flora Fertility works: pricing, coverage, and the set-it-and-forget-it model23:23 The financial reality: 80% of people pay for IVF on credit cards25:32 How financial stress directly affects fertility outcomes26:06 Why Fortune 500 fertility benefits are not the solution most people think they are31:12 Emotional intelligence, pet insurance, and why Flora resonates differently33:37 How Flora is earning trust with a generation skeptical of insurance37:54 Why Flora may be the first financial product Gen Z women ever actually buy40:25 The gig economy, 12 jobs, and why benefits have to travel with you41:45 What HR leaders should be doing right now43:55 Parents as policyholders: gifting coverage to adult children

When a Gen Z employee says they don't feel safe at work, most leaders have one of two reactions. They either panic, thinking they have a legal problem on their hands, or they get quietly frustrated, assuming they're dealing with an overdramatic employee. In this episode, Tess Brigham, licensed therapist and certified coach, breakd down why both of those reactions miss what's actually happening and what to do instead.Tracing the psychological and generational roots of Gen Z's emotional vocabulary through the work of Dan Siegel on interpersonal neurobiology and the yes brain concept, John Bowlby's attachment theory as extended to the workplace by Cindy Hazen and Philip Shaver, and Stanford researcher Jeff Cohen's research on belonging uncertainty, you'll also hear three real examples from Tess's practice that demonstrate exactly what this looks like in day-to-day workplace moments.If you manage Gen Z employees or lead teams that do, this episode will change the way you hear this phrase and give you one concrete, immediately usable response.What you'll learn in this episode:Why "I don't feel safe" means something completely different to Gen Z than it does to leaders over 45The psychological and generational roots of Gen Z's emotional vocabularyThree real client examples that show what this phrase actually looks like at workWhy belonging uncertainty is not a soft concern, it is a performance issueThe one question that shifts everything when a Gen Z employee brings this to youCHAPTER TIMESTAMPS:00:01 Introduction and opening hook 01:10 Why this phrase creates so much confusion across generations 02:28 Where Gen Z's emotional language comes from: Dan Siegel and the yes brain 04:44 Attachment theory at work: Bowlby, Hazan, and Shaver 05:30 Three real client examples from Tess's practice 07:04 Why belonging is non-negotiable: Jeff Cohen's belonging uncertainty research 09:18 The single most important shift: get curious instead of defensive 10:20 Carl Rogers and the power of being genuinely heardFollow The Gen Mess for weekly content on generational workplace dynamics, and visit tessbrigham.com to learn more.