Unpacking the messy fallout of politics on family Thanksgiving tables

In this episode, Bri and Annie talk about the consequences of the 2024 US Presidential Election on family <a href="thefamilydinnerproject.org/thanksgiving/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Thanksgiving</a> and <a href="thefamilydinnerproject.org/holidays/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">holiday dinner</a> plans. Whether families are planning to spend the day together and try not to talk about politics at all, or are finding themselves in the midst of rupture and canceled plans, there are feelings to sort through and ways to make the day easier for everyone. Bri and Annie discuss the potential grief of family estrangement; how to keep things polite and positive if there are guests at the table who don't share political views; and strategies for keeping the tension low at a very difficult time. They offer examples to help families plan new and different celebrations if they're not joining the traditional Thanksgiving table this year, and ideas for managing compromise if you're a "small-dose" family or want to see some people, but not others. They talk about navigating hurt feelings, canceled invitations, and setting ground rules for your own celebrations. The episode ends with suggestions for choosing foods this year -- will you go traditional or unique? -- as well as games and conversation resources that could help keep the peace, like <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2022/10/20-Would-You-Rather-Questions-for-the-Holiday-Season.png" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Holiday Would You Rather?,</a> <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/fun_content/the-hat-game/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Hat Game</a>, a <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/10/Thanksgiving-Stories-R4C.pdf" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Thanksgiving Storytelling prompt,</a> and <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/blog/talking-about-resilience/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">questions about resilience</a> that may resonate this year.

Holiday Politics

When dinner doesn't feel safe, why it happens, and what to do about it.

We talk a lot about the positive aspects of family meals, but in reality, eating dinner together isn't always the safe, warm experience we want it to be. For many people,<a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/blog/have-safe-family-meals-after-trauma/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"> trauma is an unwelcome guest at the table.</a> To find out why that might be, and how to make dinner feel safer, Bri and Annie talk with therapist, author, and trauma expert <a href="http://marthabstraus.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Dr. Marti Straus</a>.Marti begins by explaining that trauma is a response to stressful experiences, not a single event. She distinguishes between what she calls "Big T trauma" and "little t trauma," or a specific very upsetting event (such as a car accident or assault) vs. a series of possibly less noticeable, repeated stressful events over time (such as bullying at school, neglect, often going hungry, etc). Marti stresses that these repeated "little t traumas" can add up to developmental trauma in children, which can then also be compounded by mealtimes where the caregiver who is supposed to provide for the child may be unpredictable, unreliable, or even dangerous.Marti and Annie both agree, in their roles as therapists, that mealtimes can be especially complex for children with developmental trauma because of the mixed signals -- the conflict between dinner as an inherently nurturing activity, and a parent or caregiver who is not behaving in nurturing ways. The stress of that situation, they say, can follow people into adulthood and make it difficult for parents with their own traumatic histories at dinner to create a safe and welcoming mealtime routine for their own kids. Both share examples and solutions from their own therapy practices with families to help make meals more comfortable and safe for everyone.Bri also asks Marti for insight into how <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/welcoming-table/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">neurodivergence</a> intersects with trauma at the table. Marti explains that often, the demands of family meals can be harmful or traumatic to a neurodivergent child who is being expected to behave in a more "typical" way. Lack of responsiveness to the child's <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/blog/sensory-sensitivities-at-family-dinner/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">sensory and behavioral needs</a> can cause developmental trauma. She explains how parents can envision the kind of relationship they want to nurture with their children at the table, and how to co-regulate for more positive meals.The trio end on recommendations for food, fun, and conversation: Bri suggests a <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/food/clancy-harrisons-easy-mac-cheese/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">mac and cheese</a> bar to make a familiar comfort food more interesting and varied for the whole family, while Marti offers a <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/fun_content/5-4-3-2-1-activity/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">quick and easy activity</a> to help transition to the table without anxiety. Annie finishes the episode by encouraging families to talk about what makes us feel comfortable and safe.

Table Trauma

Real talk about who's doing all the work of making dinner happen

Bri and Annie dive into the difficulties of domestic labor -- who's doing what, who bears the brunt of making family dinners happen, and what can be done about uneven distributions of labor in our households. Taking on the cultural criticism of family meals as anti-feminist, Annie points out that the role of The Family Dinner Project has always been to try to encourage people not to create perfect, retro-style family meals that require women to spend hours in the kitchen doing all the work. Instead, the goal is to create meaningful and joyful experiences where everyone contributes, and we work towards building families where the kids will grow up with the <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/blog/family-dinner-chores-for-kids/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">ability to take ownership of dinner-related tasks</a> -- regardless of gender and outdated expectations. Bri remembers speaking with <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/blog/how-dads-are-finding-new-roles-at-dinner/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">fatherhood expert Dr. Anthony Chambers</a> about the shifting roles of men in two-parent households, and she and Annie discuss whether there is a new trend towards men sharing the load. They agree that while the face of domestic labor has changed, and men are definitely contributing more than in generations past, there's still a lot of ground to cover on the invisible labor front. Annie shares thoughts on how couples might navigate discussions around more equitable division of household chores, while Bri points out that help can be found in many places -- kids, friends, neighbors, and creating a broader "village." They finish the episode by recommending listeners check out <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/blog/20-no-fail-dinner-ideas/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">this list of "no-fail" dinner ideas</a> that can be delegated to other members of the household; these grocery store scavenger hunts for both <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/scavenger-hunt.pdf" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">younger kids</a> and <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/05/Grocery-Store-Scavenger-Hunt-Teens.pdf" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">teenagers</a>; and the graphic on their site, with helpful prompts for couples who want to plan for a more egalitarian household routine.

Labor of Love?

We're joined by ARFID and eating disorders expert Dr. Evelyna Kambanis, who helps us understand the difference between picky eating and a potential problem.

On this episode of The Family Dinner Project Podcast, Bri and Dr. Anne Fishel are joined by Dr. Evelyna Kambanis for a deep dive into the world of picky eating, ARFID, eating disorders, and more. Dr. Evelyna Kambanis is a Clinical &amp; Research Fellow at the Eating Disorders Clinical and Research Program at Massachusetts General Hospital. Her research and clinical interests focus on avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder (ARFID). She helps walk us through the differences between developmentally normal picky eating, which occurs in most children, and feeding issues that may signal a problem warranting medical help. Evelyna breaks down the clinical definition of ARFID -- Avoidant Restrictive Food Intake Disorder -- and how parents can tell when picky eating has become something more concerning. She also helps shed light on the possible <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/blog/family-dinner-eating-disorders/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">red flags parents may see at the dinner table</a> when a child has ARFID or is in danger of developing another type of eating disorder, such as anorexia. As always, we end the episode with food, fun, and conversation suggestions to help families who may be dealing with ARFID, sensory sensitivities, and other types of feeding challenges at their family dinner tables. The Family Dinner Project's<a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/welcoming-table/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"> Welcoming Table</a> initiative has plenty of resources to help, but families are also encouraged to reach out with questions or concerns. Families dealing with extreme picky eating may also benefit from Evelyna's suggested resource, <a href="https://www.amazon.com/Picky-Eaters-Recovery-Book-Restrictive/dp/1108796176" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">The Picky Eaters Recovery Book.</a>

Picky or Problematic?

Making dinner happen during the end-of-school-year rush

In Episode 3, "Family Dinner During May Madness," we're talking about one of the busiest times of year - the end of the school year, when family calendars overflow and dinner is the last thing on anyone's mind. Bri and Dr. Fishel chat about some of the concerns with overscheduling, as well as the benefits of allowing kids to explore extracurricular activities and interests, and how this time of year can be an opportunity to look at family time differently. They also discuss the pressure to do it all and be a perfect parent, and how to start pushing back against the increasing overwhelm, including smart conversation starters to help everyone in the family gauge how they're doing with <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/blog/conversation-of-the-week/talking-about-stress-management-kids/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">managing stress</a>. And of course, they share practical tips and ideas to help families get a "family dinner" experience on the busiest nights, whether that's sharing food, fun, and conversation at the local ice cream shop; splitting <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/newsletter/mastering-the-split-shift-family-dinner/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">dinner up into shifts</a>; sharing a snack at a more opportune time of day; or scheduling a family meal in advance so everyone can plan for it.The episode wraps up with food (<a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/food/?_sf_s=make%ahead" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">make-ahead</a> and <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/food/?_sf_s=freezer%friendly" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">freezer friendly</a> meals), fun (a <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/fun_content/photo-caption-contest/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">photo caption contest</a> on the go), and conversation ideas (If you were free to do anything you wanted tomorrow, what would you do?).

Family Dinner During May Madness

Unpacking the research on whether family dinners actually matter that much.

In Episode 2, "Is it the Family, or the Dinner?" we dive into one of the trickiest topics in family dinner research: How to tell whether it's really eating together that offers a variety of physical, mental, social, and academic benefits, or whether it just so happens that families who eat together already practice healthy habits. Dr. Fishel outlines the various types of research that have been done on this topic over the past two and a half decades, and covers the scientific methods that back up the results. Together, she and Bri talk through how researchers in different countries, controlling for different factors, have all come to similar conclusions over time -- that eating meals together does benefit families, independent of anything else parents may do.Dr. Fishel covers some of the<a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/about-us/benefits-of-family-dinners/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"> main benefits of family dinners</a>, as well as discussing <a href="https://theconversation.com/science-says-eat-with-your-kids-34573" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">multiple studies</a> in the field of family meal research. Some of the specific research she mentions can be accessed in more detail: <ul><li>A large cross-sectional <a href="https://www.jahonline.org/article/S1054-139X(05)00577-X/fulltext" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">study</a>&nbsp;showing association between family dinners and reduced high-risk behaviors in teens, that controls for characteristics&nbsp;of the family like being organized and connected.&nbsp;</li><li>Longitudinal&nbsp;<a href="https://journals.lww.com/jrnldbp/abstract/2018/02000/associations_between_early_family_meal_environment.6.aspx" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">study</a>&nbsp;looking at the quality of the family dinner atmosphere to predict physical and mental health benefits from age 6 to age 10.&nbsp;</li><li>Randomized&nbsp;<a href="https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2015-45486-001" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">study</a>&nbsp;looking at impact of distraction on healthy food consumption and another&nbsp;<a href="https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2802987" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">study</a>&nbsp;on impact of spending extra minutes at the table on eating more fruits and vegetables.</li><li>A recent&nbsp;<a href="https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0195666323025424?via%3Dihub" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">study</a>&nbsp;that looks at the impact of frequency and quality of family dinner on kids and adults.</li></ul> The episode wraps with food (<a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/food/?_sf_s=build%20your%20own" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">Build Your Own meals</a>), fun (<a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/fun_content/twenty-questions/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">20 Questions About a Family Memory</a>), and <a href="thefamilydinnerproject.org/conversation" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">conversation</a> (Tell me something about yourself you think I might not know).

Is it the Family, or the Dinner?

When family gatherings don't feel so merry and bright

On the first episode of The Family Dinner Project Podcast, Bri DeRosa and Dr. Anne Fishel dig into the tricky question of what to do when gathering with family for the holidays feels complicated. Will there be tension at the dinner table? Political or ideological differences that make it hard to stay merry? Does it even feel safe to go home for the holidays? Dr. Fishel shares strategies and advice from her decades of experience in family therapy. From neutralizing tension with smart ideas for games and conversation starters that distract from differences, to offering wisdom and solace for families who are dealing with estrangement this holiday season, she offers plenty of ways to make the holidays work for you, no matter what your family dynamics look like. She and Bri also delve into pop culture with a discussion of <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/food-for-thought/a-therapists-take-on-that-christmas-dinner-from-the-bear/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">the viral Christmas dinner episode of Hulu's "The Bear."</a> (No wonder Carmy didn't want to go home for the holidays!) They wrap up the conversation with their recommendations for holiday food (<a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/food/potato-latkes/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">latkes</a>), fun (a <a href="https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/11/Holiday-Dinner-Scavenger-Hunt.pdf" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">holiday dinner scavenger hunt</a>), and conversation (Who do you wish could join us for the holidays, who isn't present this year?). Whether you're looking forward to a <a href="thefamilydinnerproject.org/holidays" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">family holiday celebration</a> this year, or just trying to survive a complicated season, The Family Dinner Project Podcast has ideas you can use.

Home For the Holidays?

Serving up real talk about the messy business of family meals.

Decades of research show why family meals are important for our physical, social, and emotional health. The Family Dinner Project is here to help with how to make shared meals happen in an increasingly busy world. Family therapist Dr. Anne K. Fishel and parent, food writer, and content creator Bri DeRosa team up to discuss the deeper family dinner topics no one talks about. From the messy business of actually getting food on the table regularly, to the emotional challenges of trauma and tension, to family dynamics and household rules...The Family Dinner Project serves up real talk about family meals.

The Family Dinner Project Podcast

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