Same Day Shipping: Real Love & Fake Relationships

What do you do when your super sweet, super thoughtful wedding present reveals that your man has been WAITING for the perfect moment to leave you for some mystery girl? Then, look, Tom Cruise will die making these Mission Impossible movies for us some day, AND IT WILL BE WORTH IT. It means it's time for Cruise Ships 2 Part III (or is it Cruise Ships 3 Part 2?). Mission Impossible! Interview with the Vampire! Collateral! A Few Good Men!

What do you do when your contributions to rock and roll are being overlooked by your bandmate? Do you confess your inventions sorta suck? Then, there's a new Superman show, which means it's time to talk about all our favorite Clarks and Loises!

What do you do when your cagey SO has to disappear for days at a time, and when you press them for explanation, all they can ask is that you "trust them"? Why, you go downstairs and marry them of course! Then, dust off your fedoras, there's a new Indiana Jones movie in the theatres, which means it's time to talk Whip Ships! Batman Returns! Iron Man II! Scott Pilgrim vs. the World! Toy Story! Tenacious D!

What do you do when you find yourself re-embroiled in Meg-related attacks? You suit up and fight that thing: what other choice ya got? Then, Asteroid City is in wide release so it's time to stare dead-eyed directly into the camera and ship all things Wes Anderson.

How can you even go on when a swing dancer at a wedding flips your wife like 9 times? You can't sleep! Your neighbor sends a pig wearing a mask into your home through the doggie door! Your life is in shambles, which means: you're a Tim Robinson character. (It's so good to have new I Think You Should Leave.) Then, the new Pixar film Elemental looks like shit, but it is out now, which means we're talking Elemental Ships! Avatar the Last Airbender! Star Wars: The High Republic! Little Nemo The Dream Master! Sky High! The X-Men!

What do you do when you should be fighting vampires, but instead you have to be the cool teacher? Or maybe the negligent, absentee teacher? Look, we don't say it a lot, but: maybe call the cops? Then, Diablo IV is out and offering countless dungeons through which to crawl, which means we're going Crawl Ships! Girls! Secretary! 12 Minutes! The Superior Spider-Man! Star Wars!

What do you do when you're in an intense climbing situation with another person and it turns out they were totally boning your ex? You swallow your pride and SURVIVE. Then, Chavalier is in theatres which means the Dips are shipping Violin Ships! Who will wind up with Dr. Michael Morbius this week?

What do you do when Colin forces you to consider a hypothetical situation from the perspective of a Tim Robinson character? Then, Chupa is out on Netflix, which I guess means it's time for Suck Ships? Ships that suck! Movies that suck! Episodes of good TV shows that suck! And, inevitably, a living vampire man who sucks... blood, that is!