Sacrilegious Discourse

Jonathan decides the Seleucid soap opera is getting way too pronoun-heavy, so he does what any ancient politician with commitment issues would do, he slides into Rome’s DMs to “renew the friendship.” Because nothing screams “holy nation” like outsourcing your survival to the Mediterranean’s biggest future empire. Then, just to keep things spicy, he also writes the Spartans like, “Hey besties, remember our totally-real brotherhood from Abraham?” (Yes, really—Sparta apparently gets retconned into the Bible Extended Universe.)Meanwhile, Simon is out here grabbing strongholds like he’s speed-running Risk, while Jonathan’s building walls and trying to isolate the citadel, because nothing says “peace” like more fortifications. But the real plot twist is Trifon, who shows up with big “we’re friends, trust me bro” energy… and Jonathan falls for it. He sends most of his forces home, strolls into Ptolemais, and—surprise!—gets seized while his people get slaughtered. The chapter ends with everyone mourning and the surrounding nations smelling blood in the water. Happy holidays, theocracy edition.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:Rome gets summoned as the Jewish “please help” button (again).Spartans + Jews = “kindred of Abraham,” aka biblical ancestry fanfiction.Simon plays capture-the-stronghold while Jonathan plays “build the wall.”Trifon’s two-step: flatter, isolate, betray—ancient politics stays undefeated.Pop-culture detours: Labyrinth, Hitchhiker’s Guide, and Ghostbusters—because coping.Jonathan discovers the ancient truth: if you’re “killy,” eventually someone out-kills you.💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“Rome has entered the chat.”

Uncle Steve is back at the table armed with the usual Fox-flavored folklore: “schools are indoctrinating kids,” “it’s grooming,” “trans is a trend,” and the classic imaginary litter box story (because nothing says serious political thought like a viral hoax). We translate the subtext, fear, control, and borrowed children-as-shields, and then hand listeners a stack of boundary-setting comebacks that keep dinner from turning into a cable-news hostage situation.Part two leans hard into the big-ticket holiday hits: the “God made male and female” bumper-sticker theology, the weaponized “mental illness” label, and the exhausting “I can’t keep up with pronouns” routine (spoiler: they can learn quinoa, but not basic respect). You also point out the recurring hypocrisy: if the crowd’s actually worried about kids, maybe panic less about “crotches” and more about, you know… school shootings. But sure, let’s pretend “Happy Holidays” is the real oppression.And just when Steve tries to launch the War on Christmas™, you torch it with humor, practical redirects, and the reminder that “persecution” is not “a cashier used a generic greeting at Target.” Bonus detours include green bean casserole slander, “hide the pickle” lore, peanuts-in-the-stocking-toe traditions, and the exact kind of petty chaos that keeps your sanity intact. Now go eat something delicious and refuse to litigate human rights over gravy.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:“Think of the kids!” as a convenient emotional shield (and how to call it out without flipping the table)The “indoctrination” panic… from people whose churches run kid-programming as a business model“It’s grooming” —what grooming actually is (hint: not “don’t bully people”)“Trans is a trend / social contagion” and why that language is just dehumanization in a lab coat“God made male and female” + “sinful” = theology-as-excuse for contempt (and why “love your neighbor” doesn’t have an asterisk)“I can’t keep up with pronouns” (a.k.a. selective incompetence as a personality)“You can’t even say Merry Christmas anymore” and other persecution fantasies“Christian America” claims, Founders context, and the “please shut up and pass the casserole” exit strategy💬 Best Quote from the Episode (actual quote):“You can learn the word quinoa, but you cannot keep up with pronouns.”

It’s a Christmas Eve special, recorded on “Christmas Eve Eve” (aka “Christmas Steve Eve”), where Husband and Wife roleplay the dreaded holiday boss fight: Uncle Dude Bro (a.k.a. Steve) and Aunt Karen, armed with bumper-sticker theology, cable-news grievances, and the unstoppable urge to ruin the ham with culture-war nonsense. The hosts roll out a grab bag of survival tactics: polite shut-downs, hard redirects (“Who made this pie? It is criminally delish.”), allyship call-outs, and the crowd-pleasing move, weaponizing the Bible back at Christians (because if they want “biblical marriage,” congrats, they just signed up for polygamy, concubines, and assorted Old Testament weirdness). This episode’s greatest hits include responses to: “It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve,” “I’m not homophobic, but…,” and “People are too sensitive.” Also: a cameo from Gen Z queer energy, point, laugh, and hit ’em with the “stinky” hand-wave, and a mini-rant about how these “just joking” lines are often code for “I’d like credit for being nice while saying something mean.” 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered:“Adam & Eve, not Adam & Steve” — and how to shut it down without flipping the gravy boat Redirect magic: pie praise, Christmas movies, and “Die Hard is a Christmas movie” derailments The “I’m not homophobic, but…” disclaimer (aka the verbal airhorn before the bad take) Bible-based clapbacks: “traditional marriage” turns into a Leviticus-level mess real fast “People are too sensitive” — or maybe you’re just being a dick, Steve How to be an ally at the table without becoming the night’s designated punching bag When to set a boundary, when to walk away, and when to let silence do the stabbing 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“Let’s not do bumper sticker theology over dinner, Uncle Steve.”

1 Maccabees 11 is basically Game of Thrones if every character had the same three names and the narrator kept shouting “he” like it explains anything. Ptolemy rolls into Syria “with words of peace” (classic), plants garrisons everywhere (less peaceful), and then the whole Alexander–Cleopatra situation turns into a diplomatic soap opera where wives get traded like baseball cards and heads get mailed as party favors.Meanwhile, Jonathan keeps doing what Jonathan does: besiege first, ask questions never, and then show up with a pile of shiny bribes like he’s trying to buy a VIP wristband to the Seleucid afterparty. Demetrius is mad… until he’s thrilled… until he’s mad again—because loyalty in this chapter lasts roughly the lifespan of a cheap candle. There’s also a glorious moment where the hosts basically scream into the void about how God is barely in this book, because this isn’t “divine providence,” it’s raw politics, opportunism, and dudes swapping crowns like Funko Pops.And just when you think the chapter might settle down, it veers into citywide slaughter numbers, sudden revolts, Tryphon dragging a new Antiochus onto the stage (because of course), and a final battle where everyone runs away until Jonathan rage-prays and flips the script. If you like your Bible stories confusing, violent, and suspiciously modern in their power games—welcome home.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:1 Maccabees 11: the “who’s king this week?” chapterPtolemy’s “peace tour” that somehow includes garrisons and conquestCleopatra gets traded like a political couponAlexander loses his head—literally—and the plot keeps sprintingJonathan’s signature move: besiege + bribe + become bestiesDemetrius uses the Jews to save his throne… then immediately turns on themTryphon + a new Antiochus = sequel bait nobody asked forThe hosts’ running theme: Where the hell is God in all this?💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“If you stick your dick in enough holes, one of them might be a vagina.”

Pronouns in 1 Maccabees 8–10 are doing crimes against clarity, so we hit pause and run a full-on Q&A intervention. Judas hears about Rome (yes, that Rome), decides “distant empire bestie” is a solid plan, and sends envoys to lock in a treaty… which mostly functions as a symbolic “don’t make me call my big cousin” threat. Then the story hard-swerves into “and now Judas is dead because… choices.” Demetrius I sends Bacchides to crush the rebels, the movement splinters, and we finally decode who the “lawless” actually are (spoiler: collaborators). With Judas gone, Jonathan takes over and switches from battlefield heroics to pure political chess—playing rival claimants (Alexander vs. Demetrius) to claw out legitimacy and autonomy. And because we’re apparently masochists, we compare the first ten chapters to Josephus, who rewrites the same events with a Greco-Roman “everybody calm down, Rome is totally benevolent” filter. It’s historiography meets PR cleanup: the Macadoodles are writing revolutionary memory; Josephus is writing “please don’t revolt again” damage control. 👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered:Rome shows up like a mythic superhero… then immediately “leaves the chat.” Judas sends envoys west, because nothing says “freedom” like foreign empire paperwork. Judas dies at the battle of Elasa and the rebellion’s vibes collapse instantly. “The lawless” finally decoded: collaborators aligned with the Seleucids. Jonathan replaces sword-swinging with backroom dealing (and it works). Alexander Balas vs. Demetrius I: two kings fighting over Jonathan like he’s the last Wi-Fi password in town. The high priesthood gets politicized; appointed by an outside king, not hereditary. Josephus vs. 1 Maccabees: same history, wildly different spin, rebellion vs. respectability politics. 💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“So much is because of pronoun abuse.”

This week on Sacrilegious Discourse, we slog through 1 Maccabees 10, a chapter that’s basically Game of Thrones if every character was a walking pronoun problem and every plot twist was solved with a gift basket. Alexander Epiphanes shows up, grabs territory, and Demetrius responds like a petty ex—“NO, I’M the king!”—and suddenly everyone’s trying to buy Jonathan’s loyalty like he’s the swing state of Judea.The highlight: political bribery dressed up as “friendship.” One guy offers tax breaks and construction money like he’s running a campaign platform, and the other sends a purple robe like it’s an MLM starter kit. Jonathan pops on the holy outfit at The Feast of Tabernacles and the hosts spiral into “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” vibes, Alexander Hamilton jokes, and the uncomfortable realization that this “Bible” content keeps forgetting to include… God.And because holy war stories can’t just be politics, they’ve also gotta be war crimes, we get cities burned, a temple torched, and an “about 8,000 men” body count delivered with the same energy as reviewing a bad Yelp experience. Then Jonathan gets rewarded with a golden buckle (Texas core) and more land, because apparently the theological message of the day is: “massacre first, accessorize later.”👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:1 Maccabees 10 as a “historical” book that keeps forgetting to be… y’know… religiousDemetrius vs. Alexander: the ancient world’s dumbest loyalty bidding warPurple robes, holy garments, and “high priest” cosplay as political power plays“We’ll grant you immunities” — ancient tax policy bribery, now in Bible flavorCleopatra shows up (not that Cleopatra) and the kings throw a pomp-filled weddingThe “pronoun fog” rant: who pursued whom and why this book wants us to sufferBurning cities + a temple = “gross” (correct)8,000 dead/burned… then a shiny buckle reward because priorities are garbage💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“If you have sex with Antiochus… then you can say… I had an epiphany.”

Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission (created by executive order on May 1, 2025) gets the Sacrilegious Discourse treatment: suspicious side-eye, gallows humor, and a full roll-call of the “God Club” lineup, starting with chair Dan Patrick and vice-chair Ben Carson.The hosts tear into what “religious liberty” actually means when it’s being pitched by Christian power brokers: not freedom from religion, but freedom to be religious at everyone else, especially in government and the military. The episode spotlights the Commission’s hearings (including the fourth hearing on religious liberty in the military on December 11) and why the “we just want to distribute Bibles” vibe is doing a lot of theocratic heavy lifting.And then it gets even weirder: the list includes prosperity gospel powerhouse Paula White, political operator Pam Bondi, and, because reality is a prank, Dr. Phil. The conversation bounces between rage, sarcasm, and dark “are we getting hauled to a tribunal?” humor, plus a mini detour where the audience live-fact-checks a “robber barons” argument mid-recording.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered:Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission, created May 1, 2025 (and already giving “oops, all theocrats” energy) The “God Club” roster: Dan Patrick, Ben Carson, and an avalanche of culture-war Catholic/Christian operativesThe December 11 hearing on “religious liberty in the military” and why that phrase should come with a warning label The quiet part out loud: “religious liberty” as a pipeline to Christian nationalism in public institutions IRS “won’t enforce the Johnson Amendment” and why that’s basically a tax-free megaphone for political church campaigns Prosperity gospel cameo: Paula White (because of course) The “worst timeline” casting choice: Dr. Phil on a religious liberty commission (make it stop) Live Discord fact-check energy: the robber barons argument that became an on-air victory lap 💬 Best Quote from the Episode (actual quote): “Jesus Christ. Um, this is the worst possible timeline. It’s so badly written.”

This week on Sacrilegious Discourse, we crack open 1 Maccabees 9 and immediately get hit with seasonal chaos (“Jingle bell, jingle bell…”), plus a refresher rant about the book’s absolute felony-level pronoun abuse. Husband and Wife are begging the text to pick a “they” and stay there—because it keeps swapping who the subject is mid-sentence like it’s trying to start a fight.Chapter-wise, the big headline is: Judas goes full macho “die with honor” mode instead of doing the sensible thing (retreat, regroup), and—shocking twist—gets killed for it. The hosts call it: this was telegraphed, and the Maccabean “Klingon code” is not a survival strategy.After Judas drops, the story lurches into famine, betrayal, and Bacchides playing whack-a-rebel—while Jonathan inherits the mess and tries to do war logistics with “storage unit” energy and a wedding ambush that even the hosts can’t confidently untangle. Then we get a Jordan River escape that turns into fantasy lore (“are they fae??”), and the episode closes out with a rare vibe for this book: basically no God involvement—just humans doing human violence and calling it destiny.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:1 Maccabees 9 recap—Judas chooses “honor” and immediately eats consequences.Pronoun abuse so bad it becomes a recurring character.“Albus Dumbledore” and Bacchides return—because history needed a villain rerun.Jonathan takes over, everyone panics, and the plot starts sprinting sideways.The Jordan River escape… plus the theory that the enemy can’t cross water because fae rules, apparently.“Authors of wickedness” becomes an accidental career aspiration (briefly).The episode’s running theme: less “God did it,” more “people did war.”💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“I want to be an author of wickedness… Oh, my God. Oh, that is my… My goal in life now is to be an author of the wickedness.” 

1 Maccabees 8 is basically ancient geopolitics with the world’s worst pronoun problem. We spend half the episode doing live “pronoun triage” just to figure out who’s conquering whom (again). At one point, the text produces a sentence so cursed you both stop to verbally stare at it in disgust. Then the chapter swerves into full Roman propaganda: “Rome is so valiant… and also valiant… and did we mention valiant?”—plus a highlight reel of Roman wins (Spain mines, elephants, tribute, yada yada) while we side-eye how this reads like a hype brochure for the future empire that will absolutely eat everyone later.The punchline is Judas sending envoys to Rome to lock in an alliance and the treaty language lands like the ancient version of a mutual-defense pact. You clock it immediately: “Oh, my God. This is totally NATO.” Then we acknowledge the obvious: pulling in the Romans for help is… not a “long-term success strategy.”👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered:1 Maccabees 8 as an atheist Bible podcast case study in “pronouns: enemy of clarity.” Rome’s “we’re so badass” montage—Spain, tribute, elephants, and imperial chest-thumping. The hosts translating “they/them” into “Romans/Greeks” like it’s an emergency decoding session. Judas plays diplomacy: sending envoys to the Roman Senate for alliance and peace. The treaty reads like mutual defense—our “ancient NATO” moment. The ominous foreshadowing: Rome as the helpful “friend” who later becomes your whole problem.