Sacrilegious Discourse

This week on Sacrilegious Discourse, we slog through 1 Maccabees 10, a chapter that’s basically Game of Thrones if every character was a walking pronoun problem and every plot twist was solved with a gift basket. Alexander Epiphanes shows up, grabs territory, and Demetrius responds like a petty ex—“NO, I’M the king!”—and suddenly everyone’s trying to buy Jonathan’s loyalty like he’s the swing state of Judea.The highlight: political bribery dressed up as “friendship.” One guy offers tax breaks and construction money like he’s running a campaign platform, and the other sends a purple robe like it’s an MLM starter kit. Jonathan pops on the holy outfit at The Feast of Tabernacles and the hosts spiral into “Everybody Wants to Rule the World” vibes, Alexander Hamilton jokes, and the uncomfortable realization that this “Bible” content keeps forgetting to include… God.And because holy war stories can’t just be politics, they’ve also gotta be war crimes, we get cities burned, a temple torched, and an “about 8,000 men” body count delivered with the same energy as reviewing a bad Yelp experience. Then Jonathan gets rewarded with a golden buckle (Texas core) and more land, because apparently the theological message of the day is: “massacre first, accessorize later.”👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:1 Maccabees 10 as a “historical” book that keeps forgetting to be… y’know… religiousDemetrius vs. Alexander: the ancient world’s dumbest loyalty bidding warPurple robes, holy garments, and “high priest” cosplay as political power plays“We’ll grant you immunities” — ancient tax policy bribery, now in Bible flavorCleopatra shows up (not that Cleopatra) and the kings throw a pomp-filled weddingThe “pronoun fog” rant: who pursued whom and why this book wants us to sufferBurning cities + a temple = “gross” (correct)8,000 dead/burned… then a shiny buckle reward because priorities are garbage💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“If you have sex with Antiochus… then you can say… I had an epiphany.”

Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission (created by executive order on May 1, 2025) gets the Sacrilegious Discourse treatment: suspicious side-eye, gallows humor, and a full roll-call of the “God Club” lineup, starting with chair Dan Patrick and vice-chair Ben Carson.The hosts tear into what “religious liberty” actually means when it’s being pitched by Christian power brokers: not freedom from religion, but freedom to be religious at everyone else, especially in government and the military. The episode spotlights the Commission’s hearings (including the fourth hearing on religious liberty in the military on December 11) and why the “we just want to distribute Bibles” vibe is doing a lot of theocratic heavy lifting.And then it gets even weirder: the list includes prosperity gospel powerhouse Paula White, political operator Pam Bondi, and, because reality is a prank, Dr. Phil. The conversation bounces between rage, sarcasm, and dark “are we getting hauled to a tribunal?” humor, plus a mini detour where the audience live-fact-checks a “robber barons” argument mid-recording.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered:Trump’s Religious Liberty Commission, created May 1, 2025 (and already giving “oops, all theocrats” energy) The “God Club” roster: Dan Patrick, Ben Carson, and an avalanche of culture-war Catholic/Christian operativesThe December 11 hearing on “religious liberty in the military” and why that phrase should come with a warning label The quiet part out loud: “religious liberty” as a pipeline to Christian nationalism in public institutions IRS “won’t enforce the Johnson Amendment” and why that’s basically a tax-free megaphone for political church campaigns Prosperity gospel cameo: Paula White (because of course) The “worst timeline” casting choice: Dr. Phil on a religious liberty commission (make it stop) Live Discord fact-check energy: the robber barons argument that became an on-air victory lap 💬 Best Quote from the Episode (actual quote): “Jesus Christ. Um, this is the worst possible timeline. It’s so badly written.”

This week on Sacrilegious Discourse, we crack open 1 Maccabees 9 and immediately get hit with seasonal chaos (“Jingle bell, jingle bell…”), plus a refresher rant about the book’s absolute felony-level pronoun abuse. Husband and Wife are begging the text to pick a “they” and stay there—because it keeps swapping who the subject is mid-sentence like it’s trying to start a fight.Chapter-wise, the big headline is: Judas goes full macho “die with honor” mode instead of doing the sensible thing (retreat, regroup), and—shocking twist—gets killed for it. The hosts call it: this was telegraphed, and the Maccabean “Klingon code” is not a survival strategy.After Judas drops, the story lurches into famine, betrayal, and Bacchides playing whack-a-rebel—while Jonathan inherits the mess and tries to do war logistics with “storage unit” energy and a wedding ambush that even the hosts can’t confidently untangle. Then we get a Jordan River escape that turns into fantasy lore (“are they fae??”), and the episode closes out with a rare vibe for this book: basically no God involvement—just humans doing human violence and calling it destiny.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:1 Maccabees 9 recap—Judas chooses “honor” and immediately eats consequences.Pronoun abuse so bad it becomes a recurring character.“Albus Dumbledore” and Bacchides return—because history needed a villain rerun.Jonathan takes over, everyone panics, and the plot starts sprinting sideways.The Jordan River escape… plus the theory that the enemy can’t cross water because fae rules, apparently.“Authors of wickedness” becomes an accidental career aspiration (briefly).The episode’s running theme: less “God did it,” more “people did war.”💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“I want to be an author of wickedness… Oh, my God. Oh, that is my… My goal in life now is to be an author of the wickedness.” 

1 Maccabees 8 is basically ancient geopolitics with the world’s worst pronoun problem. We spend half the episode doing live “pronoun triage” just to figure out who’s conquering whom (again). At one point, the text produces a sentence so cursed you both stop to verbally stare at it in disgust. Then the chapter swerves into full Roman propaganda: “Rome is so valiant… and also valiant… and did we mention valiant?”—plus a highlight reel of Roman wins (Spain mines, elephants, tribute, yada yada) while we side-eye how this reads like a hype brochure for the future empire that will absolutely eat everyone later.The punchline is Judas sending envoys to Rome to lock in an alliance and the treaty language lands like the ancient version of a mutual-defense pact. You clock it immediately: “Oh, my God. This is totally NATO.” Then we acknowledge the obvious: pulling in the Romans for help is… not a “long-term success strategy.”👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse 📌 Topics Covered:1 Maccabees 8 as an atheist Bible podcast case study in “pronouns: enemy of clarity.” Rome’s “we’re so badass” montage—Spain, tribute, elephants, and imperial chest-thumping. The hosts translating “they/them” into “Romans/Greeks” like it’s an emergency decoding session. Judas plays diplomacy: sending envoys to the Roman Senate for alliance and peace. The treaty reads like mutual defense—our “ancient NATO” moment. The ominous foreshadowing: Rome as the helpful “friend” who later becomes your whole problem.

If you thought 1 Maccabees was confusing the first time through, welcome to the Q&A episode where we prove it wasn’t just you, it’s the text. The hosts dive into chapters 1–7 and immediately tackle the big brain question: is Eupator related to Jupiter? Short answer: nope. Longer answer: his name basically means “son of awesome dad,” because Antiochus IV Epiphanes was so full of himself he named his kid after his own greatness... right before we detour into how Darth Vader literally means “Dark Father.”Then we finally untangle that maddening date-counting system. Every “in the 137th year…” line is pegged to the Seleucid Era starting around 312 BCE, but with Syrians counting autumn-to-autumn and Jews counting spring-to-spring, so all the dates are off by a year depending on whose calendar you’re using. It’s not you; it’s ancient imperial bookkeeping.From there, the episode wades into the absolute pronoun soup of 1 Maccabees 7: Demetrius I murders the child-king Eupator, Alci–sorry, Albus Dumbledore (Alcimus) sells out Judas to the Greeks, Bacchides and Nicanor take turns trying to crush the revolt, and the so-called “wicked Jews” and “faithful Jews” mostly look like people just trying not to die under whichever empire currently has the bigger sword. The hosts call out how both sides weaponize “faithfulness,” and even tie it to modern intra-Jewish and Israel/Palestine tensions—same God, different factions, infinite bloodshed.It all climaxes with Nicanor’s Day: Judas kills Nicanor, they chop off his head and right hand, and the Jews turn it into a yearly celebration on the 13th of Adar—basically the day before Purim—until later rabbis go, “Yeah, maybe we don’t center a mutilation festival in the liturgical calendar.” Now it survives mostly as an obscure historical footnote… or as an excuse for the hosts to propose atheist meetups involving a giant foam hand and a fake severed head.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com 👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC 👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:Why Eupator is not Jupiter—and how his name basically translates to “Son of Awesome Me”The Seleucid Era date mess: autumn vs. spring years and why the numbers never quite line upBreaking down the chaos of 1 Maccabees 7: who killed whom, and why every “he” is a jump-scare for your brainAlcimus/“Albus Dumbledore” as a traitorous descendant of Aaron angling for that high priest cloutThe Hasideans: pious idealists, useful idiots, or just people who didn’t want to get murdered todayNicanor’s Day—the bloody holiday that got quietly yeeted from the Jewish calendarParallels between Maccabean factionalism and modern fights over what it means to be a “good Jew” or “good believer”Foam hands, fake heads, and how to turn a forgotten holy day into an atheist block party💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“What the fuck even happened in chapter seven with all the pronouns?” 

Judas Maccabeus is back on his murder tour, and this time 1 Maccabees 7 serves up beheaded generals, and one extremely “arrogant” right hand that ends up hanging "beside" Jerusalem like a bloody lawn ornament. The crew kicks off by trying (and failing) to untangle which Antiochus is which, who Demetrius is replacing, and whether anyone in this book has ever heard of clear pronouns. War elephants from the last chapter get a recap, John-Wick-style martyrdom included.We meet new villains—Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor, all of whom swear “peace” with the same sincerity as a televangelist asking for seed money. The hosts roast their oath-breaking nonsense, the constant ambushes, and the idea that cussing in the temple is somehow worse than slaughtering entire armies. They land on the 13th of Adar as a bloody victory day and start plotting how to celebrate it with a fake head and a giant foam hand nailed “beside the house.”Along the way, they rant about divine hitman prayers (“Dear God, please kill these dudes for us”), the Bible’s obsession with vengeance, and how every “great army” somehow folds like wet cardboard the second Judas shows up. If you like your Bible with a side of profanity, historical snark, and total disrespect for holy war propaganda, this one’s for you.👉 Listen now at sacrilegiousdiscourse.com👉 Join our godless rebellion on Discord: discord.gg/VBnyTYV6nC👉 Support the snark on Patreon: patreon.com/sacrilegiousdiscourse📌 Topics Covered:Judas Maccabeus vs. Demetrius, Bacchides, Alcimus, and Nicanor – the never-ending war of guy-with-army vs. guy-with-armyOath-breaking “men of peace” who always show up with swords and backup troopsPriests begging God to commit mass murder because someone blasphemed in the templeThe 13th of Adar, Nicanor’s defeat, and why his chopped-off head and right hand become party décorBible propaganda 101: how to spin slaughter into “godly justice”The hosts’ total confusion over who killed whom… and righteous mockery of biblical pronoun soupBrainstorming a modern Nicanor Day with foam hands and plastic heads on the lawn💬 Best Quote from the Episode:“Dear God, please fucking kill those guys that are making me so mad.”