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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
‘There’s no caps for your so-called matches against Mexico and, I don’t know, Guava Larva. I made the entire thing up’
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The old man is as excited as I’ve seen him since the members of Elm Pork Golf Club voted to name the lateral water hazard on the 12th hole “the Chorles River”. It’s, like, Friday night – the night before Ireland play Romania in the opening match of the Rugby World Cup – and I’m sitting in The Connemora in Bordeaux, listening to him phone pretty much everyone he’s ever known in his entire life to tell them his so-called news.
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Sorcha is standing at the island with a boning knife in one hand and an espresso in the other, grinning at us like a serial killer
05:53|So I’m, like, standing out on the balcony and – yeah, no – I’m vaping like a crazy person and I’m going, “Remember, goys, your old dear is going to be under a lot of pressure today.”The old dear goes, ‘I don’t want my vital work on the campaign Move Funderland to the Northside to die with me’
06:20|The old dear smiles and I end up having to look away. I’m there, “Can you at least put your teeth in?”‘I remember Past Ross thinking, you need to stort being nicer to Future Ross. He’s a genuinely good bloke’
05:50|Sorcha says she knows me. She knows me inside-out. But I tell her that the Rossmeister General still has one or two surprises in his locker.‘Sorcha, I’m wondering is climate justice maybe a bit above Santa’s pay grade?’
06:22|So – yeah, no – it’s that magical night of the year again when we all sit down as a family and write our letter to Santa Claus. We’ve the Bublé CD on and we’re all wearing our Christmas jumpers.Sorcha goes, ‘I make no apologies for saying it, Honor. You are a danger to democracy’
06:13|Honor is in an absolute fouler when she gets into the cor.I’m there, “Tough day at school?”When they see the copper, the triplets think it’s about them gobbing on the cauliflower and turmeric latte crowd - which I’m not even sure is a crime’
05:53|There’s a Gorda cor bent around a lamppost and people are standing around looking shocked. Who could be responsible for this cornage?‘We’ve no idea what caused the fire. And we’re sticking to that story’
06:02|Sorcha is flirting with the fireman while the focking house is on fire, but there’ll be focking war if she finds out about the fireworks‘People in the crowd are staring at Honor like she’s a cold sore on debs night’
05:50|So I’m standing with Honor at the junction of Foster Avenue and the N11 and we’re watching people pass us by with agony, I don’t know, etched all over their faces? Yeah, no, JP is running the Dublin City Marathon and I’ve turned up to cheer him on, as well as – obviously – the rest of the field.‘The thought of booking a table for one at Shanahan’s on the Green got me through my prison sentence’
06:19|Hennessy Coghlan-O’Hara rings me. Which is a rare enough occurrence. On the four, maybe five, occasions it’s happened, it’s been to ask me to retrieve the Go Bag that he insists on storing in our attic and to drive him to Dublin Airport.