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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
'She’s hord work, my new padel portner. But the girl fascinates me. She’s like a female me'
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Réaltín and I have an intuitive understanding that only great lovers, or an out-half and his inside-centre, could fully understand
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‘Are you aware that your children are Protestants now?’
06:29|So — yeah, no — Oisínn has landed himself an unbelievably cushy job. As a matter of fact, I have to ask him to repeat himself because I presume I’ve, like, misheard him?How do you become a Protestant? ‘You have to drink the blood of a Sussex chicken on Dalkey Island under a gibbous moon’
06:16|Alice says that was a very interesting reading by me the other morning. She says she’s never heard the story of the Prodigal Son told in that way before.I’m there, “You mean all the different voices?”She goes, “The voices, yes – but also the sound effects.”I’m there, “I wanted to, you know, put a bit of welly into it for the audience. I was a bit of a showman in my rugby days. I think what we’re finding out is that it’s a quality that never really leaves you,” and I give her a big, leathery wink....Honor has picked a theme for her year as Mount Anville head girl: ‘Vengeance’
06:40|I’ve never been one of those parents. You know the kind I’m talking about. Their kid does a poo for the first time sitting on a toilet and they’re taking out an ad in The Irish Times to announce the news. It’s genuinely rare that I find myself in a position to say – like I did on Friday – that I’m proud of one of my children. Honor has now completed exactly half of her community service hours for vandalising hundreds of SUVs across south Dublin. I know it’s a low bor that I’ve set for her, but here we are.‘Protestants are not that much different from us. I mean, they’re definitely less craic, but they get sh*t done’
06:08|I’m not usually one of those, what I like to call Flat White Wankers, but that’s what I’m drinking this morning, sitting outside the Happy Out Café on the seafront in Dún Laoghaire.‘What’s on offer,’ she goes, smiling, ‘is eternal life,’ and I do believe she’s flirting
06:13|Leo is the first of us to get restless. He goes, “Oh my God, this is so boring!” and this is in the middle of the Protestant equivalent of, like, Mass?‘Ross, it’s not just a case of filling out a form and – hey, presto – you’re a Protestant’
06:33|If getting Brian, Johnny and Leo into a new school means changing my religion and getting up on Sunday mornings, then I’ll do itHonor goes, ‘I was into Taylor Swift before, like, anyone?’
06:11|Christian is sitting at our usual table in 3fe on Sussex Terrace and I can tell instantly that something is up. When you’ve played ten to someone’s twelve, you can have no secrets from each other. Fact of rugby, fact of life.Sorcha goes, ‘You had an erotic dream – about my mom?’
06:30|So I’m in the cor with Sorcha and we’re on the way to Clonskeagh to collect Brian, Johnny and Leo from school. Yeah, no, they’re finishing up today and we’re bringing them out for lunch to say fair focks to them for going another year without being expelled. Like most south Dublin parents, we set a very low bor for our children.Sorcha refuses to meet my eye. And I don’t blame her – setting up her own daughter like this
06:54|It’s the old Jonny Bell that hits me first – a combination of bacon, cheese and Tom Ford Portofino that comes wafting up the stairs and under the bedroom door looking for me.