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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
Our daughter came out of the womb with two middle fingers raised to the world. That’s not down to us
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“If some wooden comes at you with a shank,” Ronan goes, “grab them be the wrist and twist it, then hit them at the base of the nose with the heel of yisser hand, driving upwards. Upwards – that’s it."
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Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement
06:20The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes.‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’
06:23How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot.‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’
06:17I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming.‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’
06:02Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana.‘You are not having a hort attack! I’m not allowing it!’
06:23Réaltín smiles. Which might well be a first for her. Yeah, no, we’re in Baldoyle of all places, playing Thor Frimann and Lisa Murray – the reigning champions – in the semi-finals of the mixed doubles at the Leinster Padel Championships. It’s, like, one set apiece and we’re winning 5-4 in the third.‘I didn’t play football for Rathnew. I didn’t play football for anyone. I resent the allegation’
05:43I tell Honor that I’m proud of her.I’m there, “Obviously, I don’t mean that literally?” because all she’s actually done is spend her Paddy’s Day picking litter up off the beach in Curracloe as port of her community service. “I’m proud of the way you’re, like, owning what you did?”Three European Cups, three Six Nations, one Grand Slam – but never winning a Leinster Schools Senior Cup clearly still rankles Heaslip
05:54I’m the first to arrive. I order a pint of the obvious and I do a quick circuit of the place. There’s no one here yet, even though I said eight o’clock and it’s quarter-past already. Fr Fehily wouldn’t have put up with that. What was it he used to say? Better three hours too early than a minute too late?‘Don’t tell me I don’t know Ross O’Carroll-Kelly. You bullied me for most of secondary school’
05:52I suppose it was bound to happen sooner or later.“Ross?” the dude goes, pulling a face at me across the net. “Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”‘I haven’t cheated on you in, like, 10 years, though – well, let’s just say a long time’
05:45Sorcha asks me straight out if I’m having an affair.I’m like, “Why would you even think that?”