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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
‘It’s all right for you,’ Honor goes. ‘You can have any woman you want’
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The front door slams and the entire orangerie – built without planning permission at the height of the Celtic Tiger – shakes to its foundations. Sorcha’s eyes meet mine. Ten seconds later we hear Honor’s bedroom door slam too and we both silently wonder whether the structure will stay standing for what’s left of our daughter’s teenage years.
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‘I’m so full of myself this morning that I’m actually making myself sick’
06:22|This is me in my – yeah, no – absolute happy place. Castlerock College jersey with the collar popped. Rugby Tactics Book under my orm. The match against Blackrock College is just four days away and I have a plan to beat them.‘There you go with the school rivalry thing again. You need to move on’
06:17|So it’s, like, 11 o’clock on Sunday morning and I’m hord at work – albeit still in bed – making notes in my famous Rugby Tactics Book. Sorcha walks into the room and goes, “Get dressed, Ross. We’re going out for lunch.”‘The woman is as C as M – as my old dear used to say. Common as muck’
05:57|“Kicker!” the old man has the actual nerve to go. “To what do I owe this pleasant surprise?”‘How embarrassing is it for me to have three kids who are absolutely focking useless at rugby?’
06:02|Sorcha says this is the worst thing I’ve ever done. And it’s far from it. I could give her a list of 50 things, except I doubt if it would help my cause.The words every south Dublin rugby parent dreads: ‘Dad, I want to join the drama society’
06:34|There’s no sugar-coating this one. We’ve been taken to the literally cleaners today. Yeah, no, beaten 45-10 by – and there’s easy way of saying this – Wesley College, the same Wesley College who haven’t won a Leinster Schools Senior Cup since the world was in pretty much black and white.‘I’ve never said a word about Bray that wasn’t 100% warranted’
05:37|I’m like, “A what?” And Honor goes, “A double date. It’s cute.” I’m there, “Whoa, whoa, whoa! Claire from Bray of all places–”‘We’re getting rid of the cor. Right focking now’
06:03|Joy Felton – yeah, no, one of our neighbours – is standing at the front gates as I swing the cor into the driveway and she nearly ends up with the BMW logo imprinted backwards across her, I want to say, midriff?‘What’s this about my old man being on the apps?’
06:28|A Prius pulls up at the next pump, just as I’m imagining what topics my pep talk would touch on, and suddenly I hear the driver say my name. She’s like, “Ross!”‘Dude, you’re going to have to choose between science and rugby’
06:37|So – yeah, no – I’m in the staffroom and I’m chatting to one or two teachers about the Leinster match against La Rochelle: Miss Casey, who teaches something-or-other, and Miss Nealon, who teaches, I don’t know, something else.