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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
‘I haven’t really been living before now,’ Brett tells his wife. ‘Ross has slept with more than 800 women’
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So it’s, like, ridiculous o’clock on a Saturday morning – we’re talking nine, ten, something like that – and I hear a ring on the front doorbell, followed, a short time later, by the sound of a woman’s voice going, “Is this the home of Ross O’Carroll-Kelly?”
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Oisinn goes, ‘Dude, you’re saying goodbye. You do realise that? You’re saying goodbye to your old dear’
05:57|“What the fock?” Oisinn goes. “Are you serious?”I’m there, “Oh, I’m serious all right. I’m as serious as – well, you know what.”He goes, “A living funeral? Where did this idea even come from?"Brett goes, ‘She’s close to the end, Ross. I was thinking we should arrange a living funeral for her’
06:19|“He must have been in a fight last night,” Sorcha goes.And – yeah, no – she’s talking about my brother slash half-brother, Brett.I’m there, “Why do you say he was in a fight?”And she goes, “Oh my God, didn’t you see the bruises on his neck when he came home this morning?”Seriously, sometimes it’s like she was never young at all.I’m always telling Sorcha to tone down the southside when we come out to Bray but she never listens
06:53|I’m like, “Bray?”And Sorcha’s there, “Yes, Ross – Bray!”I’m like, “But why do we have to go to Bray?” sounding like a spoiled child – in other words, one of ours.irishtimes.com‘I’m not even a bit stressed,’ Honor goes, ‘I haven’t done a focking tap for these exams’
05:42|Sorcha thinks we should maybe check on Honor and there’s an air of definite excitement in her voice when she says it? Yeah, no, it’s the night before the stort of the Leaving Cert and my wife is absolutely determined that this should be one of those mother-daughter moments...He obviously decided that he’d wasted his life, focusing on career, marriage and family goals
06:20|Sorcha tells me that I need to do something and obviously, I’m like, “Er – as in?”Yeah, no, Angela – the wife of my brother slash half-brother – has been on the phone from the States and Sorcha is running out of excuses....We’ve been through so much. I slept with two of JP’s ex-girlfriends, and Christian’s actual mother and even that didn’t break us up
06:34|“So this dude here,” Oisinn goes – and he means me, “he tucks the ball under his orm, beats five players and crosses the try-line under the posts. But he doesn’t ground the ball there. No, he puts it down in the corner to make the conversion horder for himself"...Honor goes, ‘People will talk about my speech for years to come. And that’s just in the libel courts’
06:35|My daughter is giving the valedictory at the Mount Anville graduation, and there’s a little something in it for everyoneRoss O’Carroll-Kelly: ‘My old dear doesn’t have the embarrassment gene. It’s a South Dublin thing’
06:48|So – yeah, no – the old dear is in the swimming pool when we rock up to the nursing home, doing her – I don’t know – hydrotherapy exercises? She’s dancing to Shania Twain’s Man! I Feel Like a Woman! while holding a beach ball and she has singlehandedly cured me of my fetish for women in wet swimwear.