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Ross O'Carroll-Kelly
'After a year of being locked up together, we are sick and tired of the sight of each other’
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‘You asked me the other night was I breathing louder than usual?’
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Honor and Liesel are both smiling and it’s like driving towards a cor with its lights on full beam. I end up having to turn away
06:58The school concert hall is absolutely rammers this afternoon. We’re talking, like, 1,000 students and parents crammed between the walls to hear the result of the election for Mount Anville Head Girl for 2024-2025 and I haven’t seen Honor looking so pleased with herself since the time she swapped her old dear’s hair conditioning mask for Veet.‘Goys – it’s time that I got the tattoo’
06:33It’s Friday afternoon in London, the day before the European Champions Cup final. We’ve spent the last three hours talking about our favourite memories from our years following Leinster.‘Ross, someone has put up a poster of Honor on Foster Avenue.’ Apporently kompromat is the solution?
06:19So I’m driving along Vico Road – one of the bits of the road where two cors can barely pass – when I notice a black SUV coming towards me at speed...‘What if she wins, Ross? I’ve already heard some of the other moms refer to her as the Trump candidate’
06:39“Oh my God,” Sorcha goes, “what is she doing?” Yeah, no, she’s talking about Honor, who’s smiling so hord that it looks like someone has jammed a coat hanger in her mouth sideways.Can’t a father and son go for a pint without there being some, I don’t know, anterior motive?
06:30So it’s, like, Friday night and I’m having the usual pints with the goys in The Bridge. Dave Kearney asks how we’re getting on with a big smirk on his face. We’re all, like, crowded around my phone.Honor is only running for Mount Anville head girl to downgrade her old dear’s greatest life achievement
06:20The old man steps into the kitchen with a Montecristo the size of a rolled-up yoga mat burning between his fat fingers. Sorcha storts coughing – her passive-aggressive way of telling him that we don’t allow smoking in this house – but he just ignores her, like he did when she tried to introduce a similar rule about shoes.‘There’s a video of me doing the rounds on this famous Tick Tocks dot com’
06:23How quickly the years go by. That’s what I’m thinking as I’m taking the right turn at Donnybrook Bus Depot.‘You should be ashamed of yourselves! We’re old enough to be your parents and we’ve taken you to three sets!’
06:17I had my nightmare again last night, the one where I have a one-night stand with Taylor Swift and then I ghost the girl and she ends up writing 15 or 16 songs about me and they’re on the radio constantly. And – yeah, no – I woke up screaming.‘If you play that match, Ross, our marriage is over’
06:02Sorcha is upset. I totally get that? But I haven’t seen her over-react like this since I ate a tin of macadamias from the hotel mini-bor on a weekend city break in Ljubljana.