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PLAYING-IT-SAFE
84. How to navigate rejection sensitivity and playing-it-safe behaviors
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Do you find yourself anxiously anticipating rejection in everyday situations?
The fear of being rejected or judged leads to a hyper-awareness of others' facial expressions, opinions, or anticipation of rejection. It’s like you’re expecting others will reject you and interpret a situation using those lenses. This interplay between rejection sensitivity and anxiety influences how you navigate your relationships.
Understanding the root of rejection sensitivity and its connection to anxiety is pivotal to stop playing-it-safe automatically.
In today’s episode, I interview Ozlem Ayduk, Ph.D.
We delve deeper into the psychological processes behind rejection sensitivity and anxiety. You will hear practical strategies to break free from the shackles of rejection sensitivity and anxiety.
Key Takeaways
- Self-distancing
- Rejection sensitivity
- What maintains rejection sensitivity
- The relationship between experiential avoidance and rejection sensitivity
- How ambiguous situations are triggers for responses driven by rejection sensitivity
- The use of self-talk
- Is it helpful to be highly sensitive in certain contexts? When and where?
- The upsides or benefits of high emotional sensitivity
- Can someone struggle with rejection sensitivity without a history of rejection?
- The intersection of emotion regulation and rejection sensitivity
- Is rejection sensitivity dysphoria different or the same as rejection sensitivity?
FREE VALUES-BASED REVIEW (21-PAGES)
How often do you play-it-safe? How often do you get stuck in your head? How often do you notice a gap between the life you want to live and the life you're living? You aren’t alone.
When dealing with doubts, worries, anxieties, or fears, it's quite likely that you spend a lot of time in your head, thinking and thinking and relying on all types of strategies to manage all those anxious thoughts.
If you’re ready to get out of your head and break free from those barriers that stand between you and the life you want to live, this practical 21-page guide will help you get back on track!
The reality is that most of us live life letting life happen to us, and if we’re lucky, we figure out what’s truly important to us and what we want to stand for. So, another way to check how we're really living is by pausing, checking what truly matters to you, and whether your actions are congruent with those values or not.
It includes a description of 9 life areas, a values thesaurus, a values-dashboard, and reflective prompts for each area in your life.
(*) Show notes and resources of this episode
(*) Learn ACT skills for anxious achievers by taking Dr. Z. ACT courses
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102. The Checking trap
13:09|She got the answer. Felt better for twelve minutes. Then she asked again.Reassurance-seeking is one of the most common and least-recognized playing-it-safe behaviors. It looks like due diligence. It feels like self-care. And it is quietly tightening the anxiety loop every time you do it.This episode is for anyone who has ever Googled the same question in six different ways, or sent the same question to three different people to see if the answer would finally stick.In this episode, you will learn:Why reassurance feels like relief but functions like a tightening spiralWhat Stanley Rachman's research reveals about why safety behaviors maintain, not reduce, anxietyHow Michel Dugas's intolerance of uncertainty model explains why more information is never enoughACT skills for interrupting the checking loop without white-knuckling through itThe values-based reason the checking is worth interruptingResources mentioned:Playing-It-Safe Questionnaire: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/About Dr. Z: Dr. Patricia Zurita Ona, Dr. Z., is a licensed psychologist, author of eight books, and TEDx speaker who has spent over 18 years helping overthinkers and overachievers stop letting anxiety make their decisions. She is the founder of East Bay Behavior Therapy Center in Walnut Creek, California, and the host of the Playing It Safe podcast. Her TEDx talk "Stop Playing It Safe and Start Living" has over 265,000 views.If this episode helped you recognize one playing-it-safe move in your own life, a review on Apple Podcasts means everything to me. I read every single one._______STOP LETTING ANXIETY MAKE YOUR DECISIONSGET ACT SKILLS IN YOUR INBOX:Sign up to my newsletter to get actionable skills into your inbox! https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/HERE IS WHERE TO START:1. TAKE THE PLAYING-IT-SAFE QUESTIONNAIRE: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/2. ONLINE COURSES: https://courses.thisisdoctorz.com/3. PODCAST: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-podcast/4. BOOKS: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/books/5. BLOG: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-blog/101. Mind Gossip: When Your Thoughts Become Your Enemy
12:50|The presentation went well. For two days after, he couldn't stop replaying the four seconds when he lost his train of thought.His mind decided those four seconds were the truth about the whole thing, not the standing ovation. The four seconds.That's overvaluing and overidentifying with your thoughts, which is playing-it-safe behavior #7.In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we call it cognitive fusion, and research shows that the harder you try to push the thought away, the louder it comes back.The skill isn't changing the thought. It's changing your relationship to it._______STOP LETTING ANXIETY MAKE YOUR DECISIONSWHO AM I?My name is Patricia E. Zurita Ona, but my clients call me Dr. Z.I’m a psychologist, a passionate behaviorist, and a person that loves to make behavioral science accessible for day-to-day life. I specialize in Acceptance and Commitment skills (ACT), a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).I have significant experience – over 18 years – working with individuals dealing with anxiety-based struggles such as perfectionism, procrastination, chronic indecision, phobias, OCD, panic, worry, and any other anxiety-related difficulties.I've published books on ACT, given a TEDx talk with 260K+ views, founded East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, and spent two decades proving one thing: Your anxiety doesn't need fixing. It needs listening to. Because most of the time, anxiety is just trying to keep you safe, the problem is when "safe" becomes "stuck." And once you know the difference, everything changes.My website is packed with resources, courses and content that will help you break free from those "playing-it-safe" moves and make the most out of your life!GET ACT SKILLS IN YOUR INBOX:Sign up to my newsletter to get actionable skills into your inbox! https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/HERE IS WHERE TO START:1. TAKE THE PLAYING-IT-SAFE QUESTIONNAIRE: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/2. ONLINE COURSES: https://courses.thisisdoctorz.com/3. PODCAST: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-podcast/4. BOOKS: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/books/5. BLOG: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-blog/100. How to Actually Do the Thing
10:17|After a distraction, it takes an average of 23 minutes to return to the original task.Not because you're weak. Because your environment was built using the same behavioral principles as slot machines to pull your attention away from what matters.Final episode of the Anxious Procrastinator series, the neuroscience of focus and what committed action actually looks like when you bring everything together.What would you do this week if you weren't playing-it-safe?_______STOP LETTING ANXIETY MAKE YOUR DECISIONSWHO AM I?My name is Patricia E. Zurita Ona, but my clients call me Dr. Z.I’m a psychologist, a passionate behaviorist, and a person that loves to make behavioral science accessible for day-to-day life. I specialize in Acceptance and Commitment skills (ACT), a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).I have significant experience – over 18 years – working with individuals dealing with anxiety-based struggles such as perfectionism, procrastination, chronic indecision, phobias, OCD, panic, worry, and any other anxiety-related difficulties.I've published books on ACT, given a TEDx talk with 260K+ views, founded East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, and spent two decades proving one thing: Your anxiety doesn't need fixing. It needs listening to. Because most of the time, anxiety is just trying to keep you safe, the problem is when "safe" becomes "stuck." And once you know the difference, everything changes.My website is packed with resources, courses and content that will help you break free from those "playing-it-safe" moves and make the most out of your life!GET ACT SKILLS IN YOUR INBOX:Sign up to my newsletter to get actionable skills into your inbox! https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/HERE IS WHERE TO START:1. TAKE THE PLAYING-IT-SAFE QUESTIONNAIRE: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/2. ONLINE COURSES: https://courses.thisisdoctorz.com/3. PODCAST: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-podcast/4. BOOKS: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/books/5. BLOG: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-blog/99. You Don't Have a Time Problem. You Have a Time Story.
08:32|Accurately estimating how hard something will be requires sitting with the discomfort of its difficulty. And your mind would rather not.In this new episode of Playing-It-Safe we discussed the research on time, flow states, and four principles that actually work for overthinkers and overachievers.What would you do this week if you weren't playing-it-safe?_______STOP LETTING ANXIETY MAKE YOUR DECISIONSWHO AM I?My name is Patricia E. Zurita Ona, but my clients call me Dr. Z.I’m a psychologist, a passionate behaviorist, and a person that loves to make behavioral science accessible for day-to-day life. I specialize in Acceptance and Commitment skills (ACT), a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).I have significant experience – over 18 years – working with individuals dealing with anxiety-based struggles such as perfectionism, procrastination, chronic indecision, phobias, OCD, panic, worry, and any other anxiety-related difficulties.I've published books on ACT, given a TEDx talk with 260K+ views, founded East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, and spent two decades proving one thing: Your anxiety doesn't need fixing. It needs listening to. Because most of the time, anxiety is just trying to keep you safe, the problem is when "safe" becomes "stuck." And once you know the difference, everything changes.My website is packed with resources, courses and content that will help you break free from those "playing-it-safe" moves and make the most out of your life!GET ACT SKILLS IN YOUR INBOX:Sign up to my newsletter to get actionable skills into your inbox! https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/HERE IS WHERE TO START:1. TAKE THE PLAYING-IT-SAFE QUESTIONNAIRE: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/2. ONLINE COURSES: https://courses.thisisdoctorz.com/3. PODCAST: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-podcast/4. BOOKS: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/books/5. BLOG: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-blog/98. The Goal Trap: Why Your Goals are Keeping You Stuck
10:04|"I want to finish this project" sounds like moving toward something. But, underneath it is often "I'm terrified of what it means if I don't." New episode of Playing-It-Safe: the three goal traps and the research on what actually produces commitment, satisfaction, and follow-through.What would you do this week if you weren't playing-it-safe?_______STOP LETTING ANXIETY MAKE YOUR DECISIONSWHO AM I?My name is Patricia E. Zurita Ona, but my clients call me Dr. Z.I’m a psychologist, a passionate behaviorist, and a person that loves to make behavioral science accessible for day-to-day life. I specialize in Acceptance and Commitment skills (ACT), a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).I have significant experience – over 18 years – working with individuals dealing with anxiety-based struggles such as perfectionism, procrastination, chronic indecision, phobias, OCD, panic, worry, and any other anxiety-related difficulties.I've published books on ACT, given a TEDx talk with 260K+ views, founded East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, and spent two decades proving one thing: Your anxiety doesn't need fixing. It needs listening to. Because most of the time, anxiety is just trying to keep you safe, the problem is when "safe" becomes "stuck." And once you know the difference, everything changes.My website is packed with resources, courses and content that will help you break free from those "playing-it-safe" moves and make the most out of your life!GET ACT SKILLS IN YOUR INBOX:Sign up to my newsletter to get actionable skills into your inbox! https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/HERE IS WHERE TO START:1. TAKE THE PLAYING-IT-SAFE QUESTIONNAIRE: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/2. ONLINE COURSES: https://courses.thisisdoctorz.com/3. PODCAST: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-podcast/4. BOOKS: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/books/5. BLOG: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-blog/97. Your Mind is Lying to You About Why You Can't Start
09:05|Your mind has a highly convincing list of reasons why right now isn’t the right time.In this episode, we unpack why those excuses sound so incredibly rational, how your brain uses them to keep you safe (and stuck), and the one behavioral shift that actually moves you forward._______STOP LETTING ANXIETY MAKE YOUR DECISIONSWHO AM I?My name is Patricia E. Zurita Ona, but my clients call me Dr. Z.I’m a psychologist, a passionate behaviorist, and a person that loves to make behavioral science accessible for day-to-day life. I specialize in Acceptance and Commitment skills (ACT), a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).I have significant experience – over 18 years – working with individuals dealing with anxiety-based struggles such as perfectionism, procrastination, chronic indecision, phobias, OCD, panic, worry, and any other anxiety-related difficulties.I've published books on ACT, given a TEDx talk with 260K+ views, founded East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, and spent two decades proving one thing: Your anxiety doesn't need fixing. It needs listening to. Because most of the time, anxiety is just trying to keep you safe, the problem is when "safe" becomes "stuck." And once you know the difference, everything changes.My website is packed with resources, courses and content that will help you break free from those "playing-it-safe" moves and make the most out of your life!GET ACT SKILLS IN YOUR INBOX:Sign up to my newsletter to get actionable skills into your inbox! https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/HERE IS WHERE TO START:1. TAKE THE PLAYING-IT-SAFE QUESTIONNAIRE: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/2. ONLINE COURSES: https://courses.thisisdoctorz.com/3. PODCAST: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-podcast/4. BOOKS: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/books/5. BLOG: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-blog/96. The Second Arrow, Why Being Hard on Yourself is Keeping You Stuck
08:39|Most high achievers believe being hard on themselves is what keeps them sharp.The research disagrees.People with higher self-compassion show greater motivation after failure, not less. And they procrastinate significantly less.New episode of the Playing-It-Safe Podcast: why the second arrow might be the thing most keeping you stuck.What would you do this week if you weren't playing-it-safe?_______STOP LETTING ANXIETY MAKE YOUR DECISIONSWHO AM I?My name is Patricia E. Zurita Ona, but my clients call me Dr. Z.I’m a psychologist, a passionate behaviorist, and a person that loves to make behavioral science accessible for day-to-day life. I specialize in Acceptance and Commitment skills (ACT), a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).I have significant experience – over 18 years – working with individuals dealing with anxiety-based struggles such as perfectionism, procrastination, chronic indecision, phobias, OCD, panic, worry, and any other anxiety-related difficulties.I've published books on ACT, given a TEDx talk with 260K+ views, founded East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, and spent two decades proving one thing: Your anxiety doesn't need fixing. It needs listening to. Because most of the time, anxiety is just trying to keep you safe, the problem is when "safe" becomes "stuck." And once you know the difference, everything changes.My website is packed with resources, courses and content that will help you break free from those "playing-it-safe" moves and make the most out of your life!GET ACT SKILLS IN YOUR INBOX:Sign up to my newsletter to get actionable skills into your inbox! https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/HERE IS WHERE TO START:1. TAKE THE PLAYING-IT-SAFE QUESTIONNAIRE: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/2. ONLINE COURSES: https://courses.thisisdoctorz.com/3. PODCAST: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-podcast/4. BOOKS: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/books/5. BLOG: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-blog/95. Stop Chasing Goals. Start Living Your Values.
09:02|External achievements account for only about 10% of lasting happiness.The 40% within your control? How you spend your time and what meaning you attach to it.New episode of the Playing-It-Safe Podcast: the research on values, meaning, and the birthday party exercise that shows you exactly where the gap is.What would you do this week if you weren't playing-it-safe?_______STOP LETTING ANXIETY MAKE YOUR DECISIONSWHO AM I?My name is Patricia E. Zurita Ona, but my clients call me Dr. Z.I’m a psychologist, a passionate behaviorist, and a person that loves to make behavioral science accessible for day-to-day life. I specialize in Acceptance and Commitment skills (ACT), a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).I have significant experience – over 18 years – working with individuals dealing with anxiety-based struggles such as perfectionism, procrastination, chronic indecision, phobias, OCD, panic, worry, and any other anxiety-related difficulties.I've published books on ACT, given a TEDx talk with 260K+ views, founded East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, and spent two decades proving one thing: Your anxiety doesn't need fixing. It needs listening to. Because most of the time, anxiety is just trying to keep you safe, the problem is when "safe" becomes "stuck." And once you know the difference, everything changes.My website is packed with resources, courses and content that will help you break free from those "playing-it-safe" moves and make the most out of your life!GET ACT SKILLS IN YOUR INBOX:Sign up to my newsletter to get actionable skills into your inbox! https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/HERE IS WHERE TO START:1. TAKE THE PLAYING-IT-SAFE QUESTIONNAIRE: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/2. ONLINE COURSES: https://courses.thisisdoctorz.com/3. PODCAST: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-podcast/4. BOOKS: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/books/5. BLOG: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-blog/94. You're Not Lazy, Your Mind is Just Very Good at This
09:03|Your mind isn't lazy!Researchers found that people who chronically procrastinate are more threat-sensitive. Not less motivated.What would you do this week if you weren't playing it safe?RESOURCES:Values-based Review: Life Audit_______STOP LETTING ANXIETY MAKE YOUR DECISIONSWHO AM I?My name is Patricia E. Zurita Ona, but my clients call me Dr. Z.I’m a psychologist, a passionate behaviorist, and a person that loves to make behavioral science accessible for day-to-day life. I specialize in Acceptance and Commitment skills (ACT), a form of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT).I have significant experience – over 18 years – working with individuals dealing with anxiety-based struggles such as perfectionism, procrastination, chronic indecision, phobias, OCD, panic, worry, and any other anxiety-related difficulties.I've published books on ACT, given a TEDx talk with 260K+ views, founded East Bay Behavior Therapy Center, and spent two decades proving one thing: Your anxiety doesn't need fixing. It needs listening to. Because most of the time, anxiety is just trying to keep you safe, the problem is when "safe" becomes "stuck." And once you know the difference, everything changes.My website is packed with resources, courses and content that will help you break free from those "playing-it-safe" moves and make the most out of your life!GET ACT SKILLS IN YOUR INBOX:Sign up to my newsletter to get actionable skills into your inbox! https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-newsletter/HERE IS WHERE TO START:1. TAKE THE PLAYING-IT-SAFE QUESTIONNAIRE: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-questionnaire/2. ONLINE COURSES: https://courses.thisisdoctorz.com/3. PODCAST: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-podcast/4. BOOKS: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/books/5. BLOG: https://www.thisisdoctorz.com/playing-it-safe-blog/