Pessimism & Poptarts

We expand further on our adventures in Grand Haven Michigan and ponder the answer why are humans (here)?

We expand further on our adventures in Grand Haven Michigan and ponder the answer why are humans (here)?

Welcome to the official origin story of our family's chaos. Before co-host Sandra was born in March 1989, life was a "Leave It to Beaver" dream. Then she showed up—the "oopsy daisy" who wrecked everything and kicked off a medical saga of epic proportions.Born with kidneys like Swiss cheese, Sandra was given a 24-hour life expectancy. When she stubbornly refused to die, the real drama began. Join us for a journey back to the early '90s, featuring:A failed cadaver transplant that left Ryan wondering how doctors planned to fit an adult-sized organ into a "fun-size" baby.Our mom ignoring doctors who called her pregnancy a "dumpster fire" because the baby was "fighting inside of me".Dad's unique parenting style while Mom was away: cereal for dinner and teaching a seven-year-old how to mix a perfect whiskey and coke.The tragic death of our Uncle Kent in a motorcycle accident just three weeks after Sandra's birth, sending the family into a downward spiral.Our summers spent at the Ronald McDonald House, where the big-screen TV was in the indoor smoking lounge.It all culminates in a road trip to Minneapolis for a second transplant, packed into a windowless cargo van perfect for committing murder and hosing out the evidence afterward.If you appreciate a healthy dose of dark humor with your trauma, LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://PessimismandPopTarts.com]

This episode is not for the faint of hear and should be considered to contain all of the triggers - Listener Discretion is AdvisedWelcome to a special episode so wild it had to be unlocked from the Patreon vault. This is the cautionary tale of what happens when a seventeen-year-old Ryan mixes a Gwar and Misfits concert, Devil's Night in Detroit, and a pharmacy's worth of illegal substances.Dressed in his finest (and failing) punk rock disguise, Ryan, a long-haired hippie, finds himself in the most insane concert bathroom imaginable—a co-ed den of debauchery. After accidentally interrupting a skinhead doing a line of cocaine off his girlfriend's back, he de-escalates the situation in the only way that makes sense: by doing a line himself and sharing a joint.What follows is an impromptu group therapy session about childhood trauma with his new neo-Nazi friends and a costumed member of Gwar, a topless Halloween costume contest, and a trippy, hallucinatory journey to the merch table where an angry "smiley face" yells at him.The night ends with an eight-ball of coke left as a "tip" for the hotel cleaning crew and the shocking reveal of who "smiley" really was. Buckle up, because this is what a "special episode" is all about.If you survived this story, hit that LIKE and SUBSCRIBE button!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get more special episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com]

The saga continues! In Part 2, the family heads to Minneapolis for a second, life-saving kidney transplant, but the medical drama is just the beginning. While Mom is donating a kidney to a two-year-old Sandra, Dad is having a father-son bonding day at the movies.Get ready for another dose of dark humor and dysfunction as we cover:The successful transplant, which came with a surgical souvenir—a sponge left inside Mom.Dad's first real encounter with his glaucoma while trying to navigate a dark movie theater to see Mrs. Doubtfire.Sandra's most tragic childhood memory: being denied the joy of a Snoopy bounce house at the Mall of America post-surgery.The behemoth at-home dialysis machine that looked like a '90s entertainment center and the mystery of how it got into their poorly constructed, foreclosure-special house.The mysterious death of Uncle Troy, the official story vs. the grim reality, and Uncle Dale's wild conspiracy theory that his friends staged the whole thing.Ryan's side hustle as a gravedigger and the time he unearthed a buried Igloo cooler that was being used as a makeshift coffin.The final nail in the coffin: With the family distracted, Dad relapses, and Uncle Dale introduces him to crack cocaine, kickstarting the end of their parents' marriage.If you're still here, you're our kind of people. LIKE and SUBSCRIBE!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com]

Welcome to the explosive conclusion of our family's rock-bottom moment. In this final installment, Ryan and Sandra recount the harrowing story of the day their family imploded in a haze of crack cocaine, alcohol, and desperation.With the family fractured by medical bills and addiction, Dad's downward spiral accelerates. He goes from stealing money out of Ryan's wallet to pawning every valuable in the house. But that's nothing compared to what comes next.Get the raw, first-hand account of the terrifying Saturday morning when Dad, drunk and armed with a shotgun, held the family hostage. Sandra, just a child, describes the moment she realized her father was a threat, the chilling confrontation, and the sound of her mother being kicked down a flight of stairs.Meanwhile, Ryan details his own chaotic role in the aftermath—from being interrogated by police to unintentionally throwing the K-9 unit off his dad's trail with a scented jacket. We unpack the legal fallout, the jail time, and the deep emotional scars, including the one act Ryan couldn't forgive his mother for years.And because no traumatic story is complete without a bizarre ending, we wrap things up with a detailed explanation of Sandra's taxidermied "bondage deer".Trigger Warning: This episode contains descriptions of domestic violence and drug use.If you made it through this with us, please LIKE and SUBSCRIBE.SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com]

Think your family is dysfunctional? Join siblings Ryan and Sandra for a trip down a memory lane paved with questionable decisions, sibling rivalry, and... a massive Ku Klux Klan memorabilia auction in their hometown. Yeah, it gets weird.In this episode, we're unpacking the family gene pool, and let's just say not everyone got an equal share. We'll meet brother David, whose birth involved an umbilical cord wrapped around his neck and whose childhood was a masterclass in impulse control issues —from taking a baseball bat to the teeth to testing the structural integrity of drywall with his body. But hey, he was a wizard with a Duncan yo-yo! Then there's sister Christina, the undisputed apple of Dad's eye, who could do no wrong... unless Grandma Van Dyke was around.Just when you think you have a handle on the family chaos, we take a hard left turn into one of the wildest local history stories you've ever heard. Discover how a quiet farm market next door was hiding a secret room filled with the entire history of the Newaygo County KKK , complete with membership cards and receipts for prominent citizens. We were there for the auction that nearly started a riot, and are spilling all the details on the local librarians who became the unexpected heroes of free speech.So grab your headphones, brace yourself for some unfiltered truth, and find out why sometimes the most shocking history is right in your own backyard.If you enjoyed the chaos, hit that LIKE and SUBSCRIBE button!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [https://Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com]

Welcome back to the family saga that makes your relatives look like saints. In Part 2, siblings Ryan and Sandra dive headfirst into their father's side of the family, proving that the gene pool was definitely... unfiltered.Before we get to the chaos, a quick disclaimer: our parents did the best they could with the trauma they had. Now, let's talk about Grandpa Bill, a man whose love language was apparently near-fatal accidents. From giving Grandma a concussion while ice fishing to actually dropping her off a pier in Oceanside , he was an accidental serial killer in the making. We also get the story of Grandma Lois's very direct, no-nonsense "sex talk".Then, we meet the uncles—a wild cast of characters who took family gatherings to a new level with spud cannons, hairspray, and a whole lot of alcohol. We've got stories of being dangled off a second-story balcony and a harrowing tale of Uncle Kent attempting to drown Ryan in a creek. It's a miracle anyone survived.Join us as we navigate the Van Dyke curse, reminisce about the relatives who are (mostly) all dead now, and plan an incredibly awkward family reunion episode that's bound to end in therapy.If you survived this episode, hit LIKE and SUBSCRIBE for more!SUPPORT THE SHOW:Patreon: Get ad-free episodes, early access, and free merch! Check out our plans at [Patreon.com/PessimismandPopTarts]Website: For the latest updates, visit us at [https://www.PessimismandPopTarts.com]