Nightly News Roundup

Trump says Iran hasn't suffered enough on night twelve of bombing, while a Florida prophet insists God opened a wifi portal over Mar-a-Lago instead. Musk admits he got "carried away" gutting foreign aid, a judge calls DOJ's subpoenas sloppy, and the White House taxes 80 countries under a dead 1974 law. Measles hits a 35-year high, and Tesla and Alphabet drag the Nasdaq down together. Tape rolls.

Trump sues the BBC and a judge hands him a subpoena boomerang, cracking open 400 companies and one very nervous blind trust. Hegseth warns Congress about Middle Eastern nukes on Tuesday, then Wednesday hands Saudi Arabia the enrichment keys anyway. 105.8 million Americans sit out the labor force, more than Covid, more than 2008. An Epstein-linked model scout dies days before questioning. The House buys the Pentagon $1.15 trillion and slips a mail-ballot ban in the bag. Don Jr.'s investment firm somehow keeps guessing federal contracts correctly. And the Tate brothers finally meet an administration that won't catch them. Tape rolls.

Iran calls America ISIS while trading airstrikes for the ninth straight day, and the Houthis pile on with a Red Sea blockade for good measure. Taylor Farms lettuce gives thousands of Americans explosive diarrhea, then buys its way to a magic false positive. The FBI stops investigating ICE shootings so ICE can grade its own homework. The Tate brothers get arrested again for the same old reasons. A man torches a cart outside 26 Federal Plaza. Christopher Nolan makes $264 million off Homer while the internet melts down over Helen of Troy. And Trump gets booed at his one World Cup appearance, snubbed by a handshake, and outshined by Spain — and Shakira's hips. Tape rolls.

A president delivers a Gettysburg Address for people who failed history, complete with an election that's rigged, secure, and rigged again depending on who's counting. A 278,000-voter fraud claim gets pulled from somewhere the sun doesn't reach. Fox News airs a speech it once paid three-quarters of a billion dollars to regret. A mail-in ballot skeptic votes exclusively by mail, as does his entire family. A homeland security secretary dick-rides a stolen election theory and threatens hurricane victims for sport. Tape rolls.

A press secretary returns from leave to defend a nursery and a crime scene in the same breath. An island gets bombed for the sixth straight night while a rental-car economy idles at the pump. An attorney general nominee finds time for justice only after his job's on the line. A vice president's kid gets a $24,000 helicopter ride to golf practice. A president shrinks the map by three million acres and calls it a gift. A senator drafts a strongly worded letter to a wildfire. Tape rolls.

An attorney general nominee turned six million pages into a percentage point and called it a win. A Pentagon overhaul finds its real target: middle-aged testosterone. A president joins the inflation hall of shame two presidents warned him about. A House majority protects a weapons pipeline nobody in the room will defend out loud. Two justices explain what body armor teaches a nine-year-old. Lincoln's signature gets a box fan. Tape rolls.

A president who called himself a non-payer finally paid up. His former lawyer runs the DOJ like an enemies list with a seating chart. A senator's sister inherited a seat and a decade of grudges by Tuesday morning. The Reflecting Pool got drained and found two suspiciously symmetrical scars. A billionaire's million-dollar checks bought nothing but a DA referral. Thursday brings a rerun nobody asked for. Tape rolls.

We're baaaacccckkkkkA federal agent killed a man in Biddeford while his daughter watched in Bluey pajamas. Trump blockaded a strait he called open and sent Iran the bill anyway. Thursday brings a mystery speech nobody ordered. A grieving sister inherited a Senate seat and a decade of insults. A judge caught Trump suing himself and losing on purpose. Hegseth built a taskforce to punish reporters for accurate journalism. Michigan got the outbreak it paid to avoid. Tape rolls.

Trump swatted a fly and it was the smartest thing on stage. Vance took the blame before the ink dried. Electric bills hit survival territory and nobody's coming to help. The Fed chair tanked the Dow on day one. A baby died over diapers and the cop went on paid leave. Some nights the news writes the eulogy. Other nights it just writes the bill. Tape rolls.